Trying

[piratelady]

I wish I had some sort of insight for you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

 

[Freida]

Not just you --- I start buzzing when she says "how do you feel?" And we know we are hitting something when my hands start to hurt. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? It's my bible, and it talk alot about how physical reactions are tied to memories.

 

[Maroon731]

Thanks for your replys. It was a great weekend. Very nice to step away and feel like I am hundreds of miles from my life. And when I step back it feels a little new. No buzzing or nervousness while away. Given, it is very recreational so that obviously helps.

Freida, Thank you for confirming the 'buzzing' - I never had a word for the sensation, or even really could notice it as a separate feeling from my thoughts. And when I tried to verbalize to my therapist I just said "I vibrate" for lack of not knowing what else to say. Since that time of recognition I have read the Body Keeps Score (therapist recommended) and I teared up when I read about that physical feeling because I always felt alone and like I was crazy, And felt that I had to hide my crazy. And it is so comforting to know I am not by myself. And there is now just a little space by associating this vibration to my past abuse. I am the one that does everything to "forget" my abuse and not allow myself to even think about it for a minute. Thru therapy I have given myself just a little permission to acknowledge the abuse. And moreso to acknowledge the physical sensations that I never understood. To read the book this helped, and to have you validate really helped as well. I am thinking I may go back and read the book again. Thanks.

 

[Maroon731]

I texted my therapist yesterday trying to cancel. I did the "it's not you, it's me" and that didn't really work. I told her rural therapy is tough and may not be a good fit for my personality. Which is true. And that maybe we should cancel to not waste time. As expected, she said - let's discuss tomorrow. I told her ok, figured she wouldn't let me off that easy. But not sure how I will handle. I saw her last night at back to school, first time our kids are in the same school. It's hard because I feel I have to keep a distance even though we know the same people. I don't want to have to be vigilant in my own community. At one point we passed in the hallway and I waived before I even thought about it. And at that point I realized I would rather have a neighbor than a therapist. Not necessarily a friend but at least a neighbor where I don't have to scour an invite list or be nervous. If I cancel therapy I can just go about my life. I did disclose some information to her that I have never shared and so I know that is also part of it. If I cancel under the premise of "small town" I don't have to go any further into my history. I feel like I am unraveling and could unravel to crazy if I keep moving forward. And I go back to the question: why am I doing this to myself? I started crying last night just thinking of all of this and walking into her office. I think I will use the front door today (first time since she moved offices). I always park in the back and walk thru the back. Today I think I will park down the road and walk thru the front. Isn't it funny the little changes and things done to protect myself. To change it up just a little so I can maintain a little control, a little piece of sanity control. It was almost like I kept this front entrance idea for the day I really need to come in differently. Ugh - all I want to do is cry. And I never ever cry - f*ck, it's a tough day. But I will say I am not spinning like I could or have in the past. Last night at Back to School I wanted to bolt, but, I was able to sit and focus (kinda). Today I want to bolt, get drunk, disappear - but I got up and came to the office and plan to work once I close this page up until I have to go to that appointment. Where I will hyperventilate my way in. And then try to put on the face of calm and strength, unless I lose it, I haven't lost it yet in therapy. Today could be the day. I am 50/50 on my ability to hold it together. And 50/50 if I will make another appointment. Probably will keep going if she encourages because I am in so deep now, how do I walk it back. But I could - if she lets me go. Life is rough today. Ok focus..

 

[piratelady]

It’s so hard to go back after you’ve disclosed something so personal. I think it’s fair to discuss your concerns with her. This is the perfect situation to see how she reacts, how she handles you.

So regarding rural therapy/ pretending like you don’t know her. This gives her a chance to meet you halfway so to speak. Or you know for sure what you’re in for and can make an informed decision.

If you do unravel the crazy, it’s her job to be able to handle that in the moment and help you. Then you will know if she can. And s she does a great job, it will really help to build trust. If not, we’ll now you know and can make an informed decision.

Try to take care of yourself. You can do this! :hug:

 

[Maroon731]

So I park down the road, walk to the front door and … it's locked! Are you f*cking kidding me. The door is locked. My plan to deal with this is to walk thru the front door and in my ever so small town I stand there in front and contemplate do I walk back to may car (parked behind the bar), or do I walk to the back of the building. I walked to the back of the building. The door was cracked and I walked in. She told me it was one of the first times she locked the front because I always go to the back and the wind was pushing on a faulty lock. I felt nervous. I felt she was also just a little nervous on how to handle me. Within a few minutes we decide to go for a walk. This walk goes by a friends house and the elementary school which my kids spent many years and I know all the teachers. I know all this and we even discussed as we walked by and we have done this walk before without incident. So we walk and spend the time talking about therapy in a rural area. I had read some material prior on a therapists obligation with outside relations and clients and understand it is a difficult position for a therapist too, constantly having to figure out how to handle public situations and the ethical guidelines. Anyway, we talked about this for a long time. She wouldn't advise me if I should stay (damn ethics). I told her it wasn't really an issue with me if people know I see her, obviously it would be no one's business as to why. I am a single mom with a parent that died recently, I think people can easily speculate simple reasons. But it is very important to me that a person be the same in public and private, if they cannot that just doesn't work for me. She told me she couldn't acknowledge knowing me if someone asks, but, if we are together at the same place we know each other, we are neighbors. I think I can live with that if I see it as true and if there is a problem we can talk about it with honesty - this can work. So as we are talking the entire K class and teachers walk by us on this trail, I actually hug the aid that was with the teacher. Both people I know well inside and outside of the school. Then we walk by the house where my friend lives and I will be having brunch with her (and the aid I just hugged) on Sunday. My friend was outside cleaning her garage (she leaves town for school in 3 days, my therapist's son and her son are on the same baseball team) So to the point of our discussion, here I run into three friends. (and walk over a dead snake.) If anyone is into signs - I felt there were signs that it will be ok. So more discussion on how we will handle social situations because as it is going we will most certainly end up at the same BBQ or wedding or a number of events. I told her she needs to lighten up on the 'ethical distance', as a joke - she was a therapist in a large metro area and this is all new to her too (seeing. clients outside of the office). I also told her in some way it helps me because I have this problem with many people where I sense a power differential. And especially men. So it is nice to have this and be able to talk it thru. All-in-all, it went well. I decided to make another appointment in two weeks and we will put together a plan of what to work thru.
She also hinted that she understood a little from my writing that my abuse was extensive and that I am not avoiding or coping out but really a very difficult thing to discuss. She said she didn't want to retraumatize me and I am in control of what I share. That we can work thru relational issues I have and not get into specifics. This feels right. I want to be able to be honest with myself and be able to discuss the abuse without the huge shame and disgust (this will not happen anytime soon, I know), but, I want to get there with her (not that I will share it with anyone else in the future but I don't want to be ashamed as much as possible) and want to vibrate less when I am rattled and not spin, to not freak out and disappear. I think this relationship will be helpful. I hope so. I feel good about it.
The noise in my head is crazy loud but I think as it settles it will settle with some acceptance and perhaps a little peace.
To make things even more challenging, I have this local guy asking me out - he seems nice, but, it is hard for me to be calm - trying to be calm and enjoy the compliments and keep my eyes wide open :)

 

[piratelady]

It sounds like your appointment went well! I’m glad you went.

Regarding the guy, that sounds exciting! Honestly, that’s what my therapist and I worked through years ago. As I jet a guy he would help me stay calm, evaluate the person, stuff like that. Also, it wasn’t directly trauma related so it provided a nice diversion for parts of therapy.

 

[Maroon731]

So I just typed this whole thing and somehow it all got erased. And I don't have it in me to type it all again. But I do want to remember the basic point I was making.
Last week I went to T and she says what does your gut say about staying with her in Therapy. My gut said to stay, my head said to go. We talked for over an hour and analyzed and analyzed - in the end I am staying. I trusted my gut.
A few days go by. I am feeling affirmed in this decision. On Being (Choosing Words that deepen the argument of being Alive)/ great podcast that also affirmed what I was thinking that I stumbled upon and listened to Sunday morning on a jog. Feeling relief and some space.
Meantime a guy is texting me and the texts start getting aggressive Sunday night and Monday. Aggressive in these sweet nothings, aggressive in promising me his devotion and his admiration for me - and I don't even know him. Monday night I have a complete breakdown. I am crying (and isolating and drinking) and very impatient and dismissive (and yelled) at my kids. I am vibrating and spinning and I don't know why, other than this guy is freaking me out. So I text my therapist and she says she can get me in at 10am the next morning. I am relieved. Next morning she texts it was a mistake and she meant the following day. I have a small breakdown and think what am I going to do? I gear up to stuff all my emotions down, ignore the vibration, and even contemplate stopping therapy because being open to these emotions is way too painful. 15 minutes pass and she texts me again that she had another cancellation and can get me in that afternoon (hmm, synchronicity?). So I pull it together and go to this appointment. While we meet and talk about my physical reaction, she points out similarities to an abuser of mine - and she asks what does my gut say about the date with this guy? My gut said RUN, my head said make the date and see what this guy is like. After an hour of her saying over and over : listen to your gut. listen to your gut. At the end of the appointment I decided my gut said this was not a good situation and a relationship with this guy that has red flags all over the place. So she helped me script a snazzy and nice text and I turned down the dates, just in the nick of time. I feel like I can breath. I feel I can breath.

What is also so interesting is prior to therapy I would have listened to my head. I would have negotiated why I need to do the opposite of my 'gut', opposite of my body emotions. I would have cancelled therapy; and I would have went out on a date with probably someone that fits all my last relationships - abuser/charmer until they got you.

Life feels so counter-intuitive. Like I should always take a left, when my brain says right.
T says I am having to learn to listen to my gut - that it has been a long time (if ever) since I have done that.

Another funny, so I decide that I am good with a therapist in which our kids go to the same school. Many of our acquaintances are the same. I decided that I will trust her integrity as a professional, and as a neighbor. So...I go to the middle school VB game and this mom comes up and sits next to me. We just barely met. And she's an over-sharer clearly, she starts telling me her story of moving to the area and trying to make friends. And then she says, I have been seeing ____T______ for the last year for my anxiety. Ok, she named the same therapist as me. I just smiled and thought the universe is one funny place. I am not ready to disclose back that I go to the same therapist, but, so funny. A few weeks ago that would have spun me to no end - seriously SPUN me.
I also have to chuckle with how many people the T must see that say - I can hardly stand to walk into that place with all those other people, or some other fear. And I wonder what all the backstories. And it would be easy to judge or compare or worry. But I am really going to try and look at the idea that we all have stuff. All caused from different things. And varying degrees. And my issue may be more shame and might even be more horrific than some (or less than others) - and that mom may have anxiety, or as she put it - type A, and she likes to share. But we are all just trying.

 

[piratelady]

great podcast that also affirmed what I was thinking that I stumbled upon and listened to Sunday morning on a jog. Feeling relief and some space.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the podcast?

I decided my gut said this was not a good situation and a relationship with this guy that has red flags all over the place. So she helped me script a snazzy and nice text and I turned down the dates, just in the nick of time. I feel like I can breath. I feel I can breath.

This is fantastic!! Great work! ??I read somewhere else on here that our brain gets used to things, even if they are bad. Like a certain type of person we keep getting into a relationship with. Now you will have your therapist helping you get used to a new type of person and find a new normal. I hope that made sense.

But I am really going to try and look at the idea that we all have stuff. All caused from different things. And varying degrees. And my issue may be more shame and might even be more horrific than some (or less than others) - and that mom may have anxiety, or as she put it - type A, and she likes to share. But we are all just trying.

This is good and something I think we all forget. You are very insightful :)

 

[Maroon731]

If you don't mind my asking, what was the podcast?

I like to listen to the On Being Podcast hosted by Krista Tippit, the particular one I was talking about is 'Choosing Words that deepen the argument of being Alive'. I also really enjoy the next one which is some poetry/essay by David Whyte. Beautiful words and conversation, if you are into that sort of thing.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

 

[Maroon731]

Today I have an appointment with my therapist. I would say today feels like the first time in 15 months I don't totally dread this time. I can't say I am looking forward to it, but, I am not having a total panic/anxiety moment. And in some way look I forward to hearing her advice or direction in where to go from here. This is a shift, I hope it stays. I think it is due to the fact I left a note with some of my timeline, so I am not having to hint that I had some trauma (more than she thought, I think - which I didn't need to validate my symptoms but now maybe we can talk from a mutual place of understanding, sorta). She was also able to help me real-time last week with the guy that was coming on strong and I feel grateful. And help me see some patterns in myself and relationships which I assume we will explore a little today. But, in general, I think I got over the "trust" hurdle and now it is a matter of opening my mouth, or not. The reality is I have never talked about my childhood trauma to anyone, and I have not allowed myself to think about it really at all in 30 years (since I left the house at 18). So I am not sure I want to talk about it. I feel if I recall those memories in detail I will completely unravel. So while I want her to know what happened to a degree (and that is for validation), and to give me input on how to digest it in my head, how to handle certain family members that I still care about but are major triggers, how to get out of my childhood house which calls me in when I get triggered, how to gain a little more space, how to not feel so ashamed when I am reminded of my childhood, - I don't feel the need to "remember". And for the last year I have searched for articles or reasons to justify keeping it deep and hidden. So I guess I am a little nervous to dissect enough for my sanity, but, I don't want to remember. Hmmmm - it is a conundrum. But at least I am not totally scared of my therapist, at least not today.
Off to run now and think and let some stress out, then work, and t appointment this afternoon, grab my kids, and then in the past I would look for ways to totally numb this afternoon. I wonder if I will follow the same numbing this afternoon and rest of week or if I will feel a shift there too. Anyway, for now I feel there has been some progress - as much as I want to fight that I need progress, I think there has been some. I really don't know what any of this means or why I even type it but it seems to help.

 

[piratelady]

I didn’t realize we had appointments on the same day! I’m glad you are feeling better about seeing your therapist. Honestly, it gives me hope for my appointment today.

Before I ever divulged anythibf, my therapist said we never have to discuss all the details in order to heal. Granted I don’t know what the healing process looks like, but for me, that made it a little less scary. I hope the same is true for you.

Have a good run and a good appointment, we’ll have a good day matey!