Trying

[Maroon731]

It was a horrible appointment. I am super pissed. I had one foot out the door with no future appointment made. And at the door we talked for 10 minutes. The idea I was done, this idea that she didn't want to ask me any questions about my childhood because she said I gave off the energy that I didn't want her to ask. That I would unravel and spin out too much if we talk about it. That I couldn't handle it. I told her, look I live with this every day. I am trying to escape my hell every day. So I think she is scared to approach it with me. Of course that led her to say she is not scared or tentative. And then she apologized for not being more direct. And one foot out the door, no appointment - I don't ever have to do this again. And somehow she assertively says next week and I will block the afternoon. What I really want to say is f*ck YOU for being such a bitch - and that you don't know anything, and that you talked in circles for a f*cking hour. I am so mad right now. But this is my kid talking I know this. Because as a parent as an adult, I know she did what I needed. What I was begging for. But all want to do is RAGE. God help me this week. And what I would like to do is smoke. It has been like over a month so I know I would hate them if I bought them. But if I could go into a closet and drink and smoke and lose myself and tell the whole world to f*ck off right now I would. But instead, will practice not losing it and try to focus on work. After maybe a little self-medication of other sorts. Dammit, I wish I didn't type so fast I probably should not be typing all this.

 

[piratelady]

Mine says the same thing, he thinks he will reteaumatize me. I agree with you, this stuff is just floating around in my head all the time, why can’t we talk about it? The little bit I have talked about though, I will say, verbalizing the thought or memory, or feeling is way harder and, for me, makes it so much more intense. So in one hand I agree with us, but I kind of see their point too.

Maybe go for another run this evening to burn off the rest of the anger?

If I may ask, what did you mean about blocking off the afternoon?

 

[Freida]

I know you will hate this but sometimes when I'm ready to talk her job is to slow me down so we can take on one "thing" at a time. And that's after she had to spend weeks teaching me how to ground

 

[Maroon731]

It was as if she validated every fear I had left in the letters a month ago. As though all those confessions were forgot because of the emergency meeting we had last week (?). It was all soft ball questions, how was my relationship with my mom, brother, just glazing over with general assumptions. I am sure I started to look visibly exhausted with the questions. Then she says: well you have to learn to value yourself and think highly of yourself as you have all these qualities. And when thoughts of the past come up (and then says as an aside, we won't even talk about it, we don't even have to go there) just no that is not part of you that just happened but has no power of who you are today. I mean really???????? like poof, I'm healed. And that is what I said: yes, your right I'm healed - blah, blah.blah. and she just looks at me. Then we agree the session is over. She says I guess you have to pick up your package (a reference to my day), and I stood and said yes. And then I said, I guess this is it. And she said yes basically there isn't much more I can do if you don't want to talk about it. I'm like really. I'm very passive and I can hang out all day if you don't ask me the hard questions I am not going to bring it up. But I wrote those papers I left last month, I'm trying. And she looked startled like she forgot. And was yes your right, my apologies - I should be more direct, blah, blah, blah. All this as I am about to walk out the door.

So crazy that she validated all the fears I wrote in that paper to her. All of them. And then she sends me on my way (almost). Felt like total betrayal. Or laziness. Or maybe I rattled her with town gossip early in the session. I have no idea. But this morning I go to one thing she said. If I am going to deal with my "trauma" I have to name it - "abuse". And that I have to be able listen to my "gut" and that I can't spin. She can't do this with me if I am going to spin. I found that insulting. I have grit - I have survived many things in my life. I am not going to let her or some memory make me fall apart. But at the same time, I could dread my life more, I could all apart. So now I am doubting myself. I am doubting her. I am doubting therapy.

She said live with the memory, don't shove it down. And then starts to send me out the door.

I don't know what my gut says. I am not sure what to do. Or how to approach next week, assuming I don't cancel. Do I go in pissed, because it was all very insulting. And I really don't want to get betrayed. I can't go in open. So if it is a waste of time, why go? But I don't want to be rude. It has been a year. That is why I can't believe she was shoveling me out of the office. Not until I was about out the door and figured I had nothing to lose is when I say: I don't tell you because I don't think you really want to hear it. And she got a little defensive and we talked for another 5-10 minutes on this. And she back peddles and says "I don't flinch" you can tell me anything. And the aha moment she has (which I thought would have been obvious) of how she will be more direct with me going forward. And that she will set aside as much time as we need next week but that I will have to name it and tell my story. Really do I do this? Is it all to make her feel good that she is a good therapist, to save face? I don't need my story to justify someone's job.

My gut says - I have no flipp'n idea what to do?

 

[Freida]

Is it possible that she wanted to see how you would react when she told you that you were going to have to talk about things? As in verbalize and have a conversation? Then she can know what to ask about and what to let go for the time being? I've walked out more times than I can count being completely confused about why I was there in the first place --- then when I go back the next week I say to her -- Last week you said this. And she says, No - last week you heard that.

When she first said that I was totally pissed but as time has gone on I've learned that she is right. Sometimes I dump a whole bunch of crap out and then I'm mad at her reaction. But. It's not about her reaction. It's about mine. How am I interpreting what we are talking about, her responses, her thoughts. And why? If I don't want to talk why am I there? What do I expect out of her? And blah blah blah.

Not sure if that helps - but maybe give her a set amount of time before you dump her to make sure you are ditching her for the right reason rather than reaction?

 

[Maroon731]

I think it's too late. I just sent a text that I think she is right I would spin too much. That my concerns were validated. That I just need to learn to live with my story by my side and not let it weigh me down. And that I will clam up next week so I am just going to journal and will keep her updated. I keep combing my brain to make sure this is not a manipulating message that truly this is how I feel. I think so. I also think I would not keep it together until next week. So I will admit it is a coping skill. And now I can just shove it all down and move on. I felt safe when I walked into that counseling meeting, I walked out not feeling safe. It really isn't her fault but why walk thru the coals. I'm interested if I will get a response and how that will go. I would lie if I say my mind is 100% made up but I also don't want to play games. I hope I don't come off like this is a game. And I hope she knows this game is real stakes with my life. If she agrees to stop, I will be ok. If otherwise, I will punt.

 

[Maroon731]

I do think I will be ok. I've been fine my whole life. When my father died almost two years ago I had to go back and in doing so lots of demons came calling. Probate is almost over. If I can stay in my every day life. If I can try and not be ashamed in my head when my childhood is mentioned. In the past I just cut that piece off. And this time I thought I would try to stay open and be vulnerable. But it's been a year and maybe I just don't have it in me. So moving on isn't always the best strategy but it works. I am certainly a survivor. And crappy things happen. I bought a punching bag yesterday, should be delivered on Monday. I am not giving up on living a better life. But - well no but, other than I don't know the future.