T's Small Group-- Am I Just Being Paranoid? Long Post

[LawPhotos]

Last Monday my T, who I've been seeing for 3 years, mentioned that she was starting a small group for dealing with anxiety issues and that might be something I consider attending-- but that it was still in the planning stages. I was a little surprised by the suggestion because she knows that in the past I have had trouble with being VERY seriously triggered in outside support groups (like Al-Anon etc). She also just had me start DBT group about 2 months ago and at the time made a big deal out of calling the therapist that leads the DBT group to warn her that I have trouble in groups etc. T is always asking me how I am doing with the group setting-- she knows I still have difficulty with it and I am barely handling it. So I was surprised that she would suggest another group for me to attend in addition to that. But then I thought well, my T is leading this small group so she knows she can monitor me. She also knows I have financial limitations and that I am already paying for weekly therapy and for DBT --she is usually sensitive to that kind of thing.

I was again very surprised when I got an email from my T less than 48 hours later. We rarely communicate outside our session so I thought she was canceling/rescheduling our next session. The email said that she decided to start the group the following day and she wanted me to be there! Being the people pleaser that I am I agreed.

The group met and I began to wonder why I was in this group that seemed so different from myself--they don't have PTSD (I have complex PTSD). Their issues seemed to be that they had it all in life and didn't know why they still weren't happy. My T knows my life pretty well and it has been the polar opposite of these other people. My childhood was chock full of every kind of abuse possible, in a masochistic repetition compulsion I married an emotionally/verbally abusive addict and put up with it for 20 years before a three year long horrific divorce that ended just 5 months ago. One of my three children has been critically ill and completely disabled since birth (he is 19 yrs old). He requires an unbelievable amount of care (which I am now alone to provide physically and financially for the rest of his life). I gave up my career to care for him and now I am unsuccessfully trying to get a job after a 20 year absence. In the past 9 months alone, my son has almost died twice, I moved, my father died of Alzheimers, my sister was seriously injured in a car accident (drunk driving) and I got divorced. All typical for my life.

One person in the group seemed to have some OCD type issues with enormous worries about the possibility that bad things could happen to take it all away from her. In hysterical tears she told the group that her worst nightmare was that something would happen to her children--that they wouldn't be healthy anymore. My stomach sunk and I could feel my T's eyes looking at me but I didn't say a word or mention my son. All during the rest of the group my T kept directing questions at me which were an obvious attempt to get me to mention my son's situation. At one point I either had to lie outright -and my T would know it- or tell about my son. I told about my son. After that I couldn't even look anyone in the eye--I felt horrendous.

After it was over I tried to sort out my feelings and they seemed to fall into two categories, one of which I felt immediately in group and one that came to me as a realization the next morning.

1) Immediately I felt like I shouldn't be in the group. I just ruined the group. As if my presence would have a negative impact on this woman, making her irrational fears rational ie it does happen--exacerbating her fears.I don't want to upset her and so I would no longer speak freely in the group nor would they speak freely for fear of offending me. I feel like I already made her feel bad because she said this was her worst nightmare, not realizing my son's situation. Even worse for me is that I feel horrible that I am someone's "worst nightmare". Nightmares are bad and shouldn't exist--which leads me to I shouldn't exist. I am what normal people dread being (the parent of an ill, disabled child). The nasty, sarcastic part of me wants to stand up and say, "Oh don't worry, that horrendously sh*tty life you're terrified of...it's been assigned to me, so you're safe.

It's happened many times before...I mention my child, my life and whole climate of the room changes...like I'm a wet blanket, a lead balloon. Or there's the out pouring of empathy that is even worse...then I get everyone's pity and feel pathetic and humiliated--again I am the poor thing that shouldn't exist. I feel like I ruined the group already... leads me to...I knew I shouldn't have come, this always happens, I should've stayed home and kept to myself and protected my information and I'd be happier and so would they having never met me. I just feel so depressed about it and hurt.

2) My T is HUGE on exposure to fear. Exposure, exposure, exposure is her slogan. Suddenly it occurred to me....Did my T put me in this group just to be an exposure experience for this woman?!! Now that really hurts..If I decide to use my personal tragedy to help others that is one thing, but to unknowingly be used by someone I trusted for this purpose would be outrageous. And to do it under the guise that you were helping me....I'm not okay with that. These people have never experienced what I have and they are terrified of it, how are they supposed to support me?

I do see many cognitive distortions in my thinking process but I also think there is some validity to it. I know you all will say "talk to your T about it" and I suppose I will have to but what I really want is a reality check here...It does change the group dynamics doesn't it? Would others feel like this? Is this really what my T was doing? I really want to quit the group because valid or not, I am still going to feel like the pathetic loser in there. I welcome all input

 

[Tinyflame]

If your fear is with your presence that 'you' (or the information you share) is someone's 'worst nightmare', perhaps your T wants exposure to that fear (for yourself), if she's big on 'exposure'?

((((Hugs, Law Photos)))))

 

[LawPhotos]

I don't have fear around it. It's that I feel horrible being someone's worst nightmare--depressed--who wants to be that. I also feel bad that my presence is a negative experience for the group, as it is in most groups. It is so sad that it changes how and what the group says and what I say. I'm the wet blanket....the nerd that crashes the party.

The best way I can explain it is like a movie star that just wants to be a regular person. They fit in fine until people find out who they are and then everyone acts different, treats them different, changes their expectations and they have to now protect their privacy.

 

[LawPhotos]

Junebug, I forgot to say thanks for the cyber-hugs. They are the only type I can tolerate--except sometimes real ones from my kids.

 

[BloomInWinter]

....I am barely handling it. So I was surprised that she would suggest another group for me to attend in addition

((((Lawphotos))))

This sounds reasonable....one isn't great, so trying another, then comparing the experiences and seeing which would work out better, or even just to help nail down what are the most troubling issues seems like a sound approach.

Not that it feels good...

...and you can say at any time if it's 'too much' for you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

my presence is a negative experience for the group, as it is in most groups. It is so sad that it changes how and what the group says and what I say. I'm the wet blanket....the nerd that crashes the party.

The best way I can explain it is like a movie star that just wants to be a regular person.

How do you know your presence is negative for everyone? Maybe some find your presence helpful....maybe some are glad you're there. Maybe some don't think about you all that much because their own stuff is screaming too loudly in their heads.

It may feel like you dominate everyone....but I felt that way too. My T. told me she wouldn't allow me to do that, that I didn't do that....though I think sometimes I did.

It's not unusual for co-dependents to feel like we have enormous power over the lives of others, even to what whole groups of people think, feel, experience. But it's not accurate, nor is it healthy for us.

But I struggle with it. Self-care and grounding can help.

 

[LawPhotos]

Thank you, Bloom, for the cyberhugs.

My T does know that I actually can't make myself say when anything is 'too much' for me and she's experienced the results firsthand. So usually she just tries to sense it and she puts the brakes on things herself.

I can see that one of her motivations might be that I have basically no support system whatsoever and since I am surviving the DBT group (which has high turnover and not that much interaction between participants) this might be a way to build support where she can monitor things. But still, if she was in any way motivated by making me an exposure for this other woman I feel very used, my trust is gone and I am soooo not okay with it.

Nothing will change the fact that those in the group will think before they speak any time they mention children (and we are all parents) IF they'll ever even mention them again, for fear of offending me. They'll think they shouldn't complain because I have it worse etc. I hate that who I am tainted the group.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I was again very surprised when I got an email from my T less than 48 hours later. We rarely communicate outside our session so I thought she was canceling/rescheduling our next session. The email said that she decided to start the group the following day and she wanted me to be there! Being the people pleaser that I am I agreed.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Many of us struggle with 'anticipatory anxiety' so it's better to not have too much notice or we could find the waiting too destabilizing.

....and it's not necessarily a character defect that prodded you to agree.

Is it not possible that it was the strong survivor in you being willing to try...and trust...that this might help is what might have stepped forward with willingness? Is it possible it was not a manipulation you said yes to, but an opportunity for healing?

 

[LawPhotos]

It may feel like you dominate everyone....

It's not unusual for co-dependents to feel like we have enormous power over the lives of others, even to what whole groups of people think, feel, experience. But it's not accurate, nor is it healthy for us.

I do feel like I dominate everyone, not in the sense of talking etc since I only speak if the T directly asks me too. I speak the least of anyone. I feel like I dominate on the horror/pity scale. It feels like there is this huge ugly creature in the middle of the room that I bring in there with me on a leash that we all talk around and pretend isn't shocking or negative.

I am sure that I exaggerate my effect on people all the time. It would help me believe that's what I am doing in this case if, after group, I didn't get all of those, "I'm so sorry about your son", "I don't know how you do it" etc. It sucks to be pitied.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If she was in any way motivated by making me an exposure for this other woman I feel very used, my trust is gone and I am soooo not okay with it.

A T's responsibility is to all group members as a whole. That she would hope they might help each other to their mutual benefit would be sound reasoning for including them, would it not?

I don't know that any T. has the power to 'make' a human being an 'exposure' for another. Another possible way of seeing it is 'Oh...these two people have some similar things they struggle with. Maybe they can help each other' instead of characterizing it as a negative manipulation.

It doesn't sound like you had much trust in your T. to lose....so perhaps you can trust that strong survivor in you to handle whatever comes up. Because it sounds like you can, and despite the feelings, you are facing these tough things and challenging yourself.

That is to be commended!

 

[BloomInWinter]

I am sure that I exaggerate my effect on people all the time. It would help me believe that's what I am doing in this case if, after group, I didn't get all of those, "I'm so sorry about your son", "I don't know how you do it" etc. It sucks to be pitied.

In between having no effect (suffering in silence) and being 'pitied' is a whole range of human interactions.

Those comments seem supportive and validating. Perhaps they weren't being pitying, but trying to be supportive and acknowledge your pain.

But when we reject their efforts as being something we feel is negative, and we respond based upon that negative feeling....it doesn't move us toward having more supportive people in our lives.

I struggle with this stuff...that's why it really speaks to me. I rejected all attempts at comfort, and I am just learning why.

....and discovering how my rejection of supportive efforts didn't ease my suffering, just prevented me from receiving the benefit of friendship, support, and healing.

 

[LawPhotos]

That she would hope they might help each other to their mutual benefit would be sound reasoning for including them, would it not?

I don't know that any T. has the power to 'make' a human being an 'exposure' for another. ..these two people have some similar things they struggle with. Maybe they can help each other' instead of characterizing it as a negative manipulation.

It doesn't sound like you had much trust in your T. to lose....

I think that's the part that I'm not seeing...how this was supposed to benefit me. I don't see that we struggle with the same things. These people talk about "how they have it all" and what is troubling them is their large, irrational fears that it is going to be taken from them and they won't be able to handle that. They don't understand why they have these fears when they've had great lives. I get that I just don't see how I'm supposed to relate.

It is pretty easy to conclude that I'm an exposure for the woman who is terrified that her children will become unhealthy when my child is so permanently ill and disabled. My T didn't make an exposure, I just am one. If you are terrified of snakes and someone brings one in the room it's an exposure.

I had all the trust in the world in my T. That's what is so devastating and why I question my interpretation of all of this.

Thanks for hanging in here with me, Bloom