Two Sufferers Struggling To Believe In One Another

[Red Dog]

I have PTSD (childhood abuse) and have been in treatment for many years. I fell in love with my partner over 2 years ago and he also has PTSD. Up until the past 3 months, we were doing well communicating and it seems now we are both defensive and take turns being verbally abusive rather than listening to each other.

One of his complaints is that I don't trust him or have faith in him. This is true in part, but it's obvious that this is common in PTSD relationships. Maybe the reason I have trouble having faith in him is that I don't always have faith in myself nor others.

Part of it is his behavior. He started working 5 months ago which is a huge achievement because he was too depressed to work before plus it's a great job. Now I'm on disability leave because of my anxiety & his job has been slow lately. To his credit he has been looking for supplemental work. Maybe it's just how I've been indoctrinated by society to think that only someone who provides income is worthwhile--especially if that someone is a man. This is wrong: he has PTSD & you'd think I'd be more understanding, but since I always had to struggle & depend only on myself maybe I secretly view those who can't as weak? I feel like such a bad person for admitting that. [Ironically I am on disability now]. I guess I'm also a little jealous/resentful that he has taken so much time off from working, though, he did all the household chores & cooked nourishing meals while I worked.

I do believe he is a unique, amazing critical thinker with so much to offer the world & I tell him this. I oscillate between believing in him and not believing in him. It depends on my mood.

I suggested relationship counseling or some kind of treatment (including books, etc.) and he said thinking about things more is the answer. There is no doubt in my mind that sitting at the window thinking can help a lot especially when you are not distracted, but I feel like this is part of the problem. I can't make him go to counseling. I am just so sick of arguing! It really sucks the joy out of life!

 

[twopenny]

My husband and I also both have PTSD (him from military service, me from childhood nasties).

We were together for a long time before we were diagnosed - together 18 years, him diagnosed 5 or 6 years ago, and me in the last few months, although we've probably both had it since before we met.

I can only say how it works for us - I'm certainly no expert. But we are often far harder on each other than other people are. We can be both the most understanding of anybody we know, and we can tear each other to shreds. It depends what we're each going through at any given time. If one of us hits a rough patch, or a bad day, and the other is doing ok, it's all good, and the one doing ok will be kind, sympathetic and understanding (because we really do know how it feels). If we happen to hit rough patches at the same time, it's going to be carnage, because we each get wrapped up in our own stuff and lash out. The fallout from that can last for weeks.

We always talk afterwards. So far that has seen us through it.

I have to admit though, that we have both sought treatment, although it's taken me a couple of year to do it, due to my general mistrust of doctors - it took him some time to as well. He's been through treatment, and has asked for some more due to a rough couple of months. But I think that might be the deal breaker (the only deal breaker) for either of us. Knowing that we have it, we need to seek treatment, because it's unfair to expect the other to cope with the daily struggle of dealing with two different versions of PTSD without getting some support. If having gone for treatment, you find it doesn't work (nothing is 100%), than that's different. I don't think I'd react well to being told he wasn't going to even try. I don't think he would if I said that.

 

[Red Dog]

I know what you're saying, but I can't force him to go and wouldn't want to anyhow. I am not sure that I really want to see a relationship counselor, but I would like it if he could at least see his counselor a couple of times a month. I do feel like he has stopped trying out of exhaustion, but he is going through a lot right now. The idea of there being a deal breaker inserted in there sounds more like an ultimatum and even though we've only been together for 2 years, I am deeply in love with and I don't want to be with anyone else so it would be a lie if I said I would leave. I think we both just want some peace and that peace is usually when we are alone. So far when things heat up, we leave each other alone/give each other time alone. It definitely helps. Really, the only thing I can do is search inside of myself for answers, they are there.

 

[jesse]

Counselors aren't always all they are cracked up to be contrary to popular belief. Just because he doesn't want to go doesn't mean it can't work.

 

[Red Dog]

Agreed. I am not really that excited about going to couple's counseling myself. My therapist suggested we watch a series of video about communication so we can try that. Also I have been taking things easy...trying not to focus on the relationship so much and just focusing on myself and my own passions. So far so good. :)

 

[presentjoy]

trying not to focus on the relationship so much and just focusing on myself and my own passions. So far so good.

This has been helpful here too. We both struggle with PTSD and the dynamic is hard. It's been helpful to differentiate somewhat and give each other space.

Couples therapy definitely is tricky, I think finding a therapist who can manage the dynamic is a key. I ascribe to more process-oriented therapy where the here and now, what is happening in the room, is the focus. We can talk about our week or focus on some incident that happened, or some fight pattern that we repeat, but those conversations were never as productive as when we engaged with each other about how we felt and the therapist was able to mediate some lessons about communication, empathy, understanding, responsiveness. It still wasn't easy or comfortable.

Best wishes to you both
pj