Dom Violence Two years later and things seem to be getting worse!!!

[Princess Pearl]

Hi!
I’m new to this forum and I look forward to meeting and hearing from you!

Two years ago I kicked out my husband after 17 years of psychological and psycho-sexual abuse towards me and my daughter. (Why it took so long to realise we were being abused and kept virtual prisoners is another story!)

My husband went into psychiatric rehab for treatment to help with his institutional dependency (like that was the worst of his problems!!), and while he was there, I sold the house (fortunately just in my name!), learnt to drive and bought a car, changed my name (as did my daughter!), left behind all but clothes, a few books and our cats (had to rehouse our beloved dog), and smuggled my daughter across the Channel because her passport didn’t arrive on time. We escaped with only a few days to spare!

Since then, I’ve tried to start a business, but it has failed and almost everything that could have gone wrong with our lives, HAS gone wrong! But finally things are looking up.....my daughter has a job lined up in the US and there she’ll be able to get therapy with people who understand her Asperger’s Syndrome

I’ve recently (and, in my mind, miraculously!) found a boyfriend who is loving and seems to cherish me very much.

And yet I can’t cope!!! There’s the feeling of failure over the business, even though many aspects were not my fault and my lawyer believes she can get a good deal of the money back. There’s the fact that I can’t think about our escape without seizing up and panicking. The first time my boyfriend and I made love, and he was so gentle and kind, I felt as if I’d been violated, and I question his every motive in my mind. I can’t sleep or eat.
I feel totally and utterly exhausted and yet I must find somewhere new to live by the beginning of April.

I’m sorry for rambling on, but if you have any suggestions on how I can move forward (I can’t afford therapy until the business has been sorted), I would be most grateful.

Thankyou for listening

 

[Teasel]

I don' know where you are based but you mention the channel so... I was able to get some free short term therapy via women's aid - I believe they also have drop Ins / groups for women who have left abusive relationships and I'm sure you could ask for advice on how to help yourself too.

Hope you manage to get settled somewhere and get good help for yourself and welcome to the forum :)

 

[Princess Pearl]

I don' know where you are based but you mention the channel so... I was able to get some free short t...

Thankyou so much for your reply Bearlinda but I was escaping FROM the UK!! I do go to a Women's Support group for survivor’s of abuse here in Paris, but it’s only once a fortnight. I’ve met some fantastic women here but each person’s story can bring a lot of stuff up for everyone else. We’re also quite isolated in our individual circumstances.

Thankyou again for your help

 

[One step at a time]

Have you seen the stress cup article? It's a helpful way to understand when we feel overwhelmed. Can you remove any of the stress by using self-care? It makes sense that the women's support group might remind you of painful things. Maybe there is too much external stress and uncertainty right now to deal with the additional stress of trying to process what happened? Does it help more than it stirs things up?

Sending support.

 

[Princess Pearl]

Have you seen the stress cup article? It's a helpful way to understand when we feel overwhel...

Thankyou for your response, One step at a time! I haven’t seen the stress cup article, but I’ll certainly look it up!

I’m trying to take care of myself, but I have so little energy, I’m practically comatose. I did force myself to eat, at least. I also put on some relaxing music and had a candlelit bath. Unfortunately I dropped my book in the water when I fell asleep!!!

I’m not trying to process what happened, because i don’t have the energy to think much at all, and I actually can’t face thinking about much of it, but it’s the feelings which seem to be bubbling up to the surface....the constant nerves, dread and flashbacks. Hopefully, the article you mention will help with those.

Thankyou again!

 

[EveHarrington]

Things can oftentimes get worse once we are out of immediate danger and feel safe(r).

I think it has something to do with survival mechanisms and being in survival mode while in the presence of danger.

 

[Teasel]

Sounds like you're right not to try processing it all just yet. Rather stabilisation seems key

I wonder if it might be worth looking up the DBT skills workbook. It teaches ways of coping with overwhelming emotions.

Best :-)

 

[Princess Pearl]

I read the article on the Stress Cup. It makes such a lot of sense, and makes your idea of stabilisation a good one.

I’ll certainly look up the DBT skills workbook too!

Thankyou again for you help Bearlinda :)

 

[Princess Pearl]

Things can oftentimes get worse once we are out of immediate danger and feel safe(r).

I think i...

I think you’re right Eve. It doesn’t help that I’ve got so much time on my hands while everything is being sorted out. I’m trying to do a course, and when I’m feeling more energetic, I go for walks and visit museums etc.
At the moment though, I can hardly get out of bed!! Need to try to find techniques for stilling the mind, as suggested by responders here.

Thanks for your input Eve.

Things can oftentimes get worse once we are out of immediate danger and feel safe(r).

I think i...