Relationship Ugghh, Tough Question To Ask... Having Children With A Ptsd Suffer

[Tifanee]

I ask this question with the highest of respect and sensitivity.

I have a little girl from a previous relationship, my love absolutely adores her and I believe she offers him insight into childhood that he missed out on. So, yes, sometimes I feel like I have two 5 year olds blowing bubbles at me intead of a child and a grown man. He takes a non-discipline approach of lots of fun, dancing, giggles, and snuggle time with her. In essence, he is the complete opposite father figure to her than his father was. I am fine with this balance, but I do see where he disappears if she needs disciplined or is emotional. Working on getting him to stick around in the room as a form of support.

My love never had children of his own and would like to have a child. He's made a comment that he wishes he could have a child just not have to deal until it is like 2 years old because of all the baby stress. I explained to him that the demand of a baby includes the constant demand of your time and when you are in a partnership then it can be a beautiful and low stress environment.

So my question is... For those that had children after learning of PTSD in themselves or their partner, what did you learn? The REALLY tough question I want to ask is if in hindsight you would have waited to have children?

 

[Nicolette]

I explained to him that the demand of a baby includes the constant demand of your time and when you are in a partnership then it can be a beautiful and low stress environment.

May I dare be so blunt/bold as to say - for starters you will not just have a low stress environment with a new baby as you already have a 5 year old who is used to having the undivided attention of both of you. Therefore she will go through a change from no longer being the only child with all the attention if you brought in another child so already there is the potential for stress and issues.

I explained to him that the demand of a baby includes the constant demand of your time

Secondly, I don't care what anyone says, children are stressful despite being beautiful. While you may consider having a low stress environment possible, tell that to someone who has PTSD, starts getting limited sleep, has a partner whose fuse is shorter than usual (even if just for the first two months with 4 hourly feeds) while attending to another child at the same time. You say yourself the baby demands all of your time so have you considered how that shift will affect your relationship.

My husband has two young children, loves them to death but when I watched just access visits I saw the toll it slowly took on him and I made the decision not to have a child with him based on what I witnessed. Also having teenagers at the time made me realise how much more stress that was than a baby.... so IMHO you need to consider the whole picture.

The other factor is you already mention you have parenting differences so what happens when the reality sets in and you have "three" children to cope with (using your own words).

I am not saying your partner would not cope or it wouldn't work but this is what I see from what you are saying:

So, yes, sometimes I feel like I have two 5 year olds blowing bubbles at me intead of a child and a grown man.

but I do see where he disappears if she needs disciplined or is emotional. Working on getting him to stick around in the room as a form of support.

He's made a comment that he wishes he could have a child just not have to deal until it is like 2 years old because of all the baby stress.

I think you have to really go into something like this with open eyes and my opinion on it with a PTSD partner, from a female perspective, is it increases your chance of the potential of being a single parent.

Just my opinion trying to answer your question for you which I really don't believe to be the most important one as I hear you as asking

The REALLY tough question I want to ask is if in hindsight you would have waited to have children?

...as I don't think waiting is what you need to ask yourself... it's more like should you and what are the possible consequences?

Harsh, I'm sorry but also very true. People do have kids and it works out fine but I think you need to have your eyes wide open with what you are really dealing with.

 

[Tifanee]

Thanks Nicolette, you are simply echoing the voice in my heart and mind.

I know it won't be easy and I know my role would be serving as a single parent. I don't want it to be like that so I am in a pickle as my grandma would say. Before my current relationship I wanted more children, I know my partner wants children, but I don't think he wants the "reality" of more children. I would be the parent until they were easier for him to handle. That sounds really messed up and damaging for the child.

I need to come to terms with the idea that I am going to choose not to have more children if I stay in the relationship. Sorry, this has been on my mind for awhile and I am still trying to sort out my feelings and if I can be okay with choosing this relationship over having another child.

 

[Nicolette]

Tifanee I do totally understand the pickle you are in. I wanted another child and I had to choose. I also wanted a partner but the reality of both with my husband, with respect to him, is that the illness would always be a problem.

Having been a single mother once, I didn't want to do it again so I chose the relationship as my son was 15 when we met. For 14 years I basically raised my son as a sole parent (boyfriends yes but no real father figure). I didn't want to put any child through that or myself through it again. That is how I came to my decision along with realising that I didn't want to do another 18 years of parenting when I had just done 15 - it was time for me.

I don't regret my decision, I love my step children and things just are the way they are. Children are in the middle of all our decisions and to me the get affected the most. I decided not to be selfish in terms of pushing for a child from the relationship as while my husband initially wanted a child, he changed his mind the more we dealt with his ex and his teenager from another marriage and I understood why.

I saw and learned a lot about PTSD and, while my husband says he loved the children as they were young an innocent, I saw how it became more difficult it became for him the older they became and tried to find out who they were - the issues of having teenagers. I won't say he didn't cope as he did really well but I don't think my desire for a child was enough to warrant putting him through that again.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Tifanee,

Nicolette is giving sound counsel.

If I can add something: We have been talking on other threads and from what you say there, you partner is not accepting therapy and is verbally abusive in your long distance relationship. Bearing these two factors in mind, I would say that this is not the time to have a baby together.

In my opinion, the father needs to be taking responsibility for his own actions and behaviours i.e. be an adult, before he can become a functional parent.

People with PTSD can be good parents, but in my opinion they tend to be those sufferers who are actively healing and understand what they are getting into.

Frankly, it sounds like something he wants on an emotional level but has not worked through intelectually.

Sorry :(

 

[Tifanee]

I completely understand. It is difficult enough to raise one child as a single parent and the challenges with our relationship, why add another level of stress.

Did you two make the choice not to have more children together? I've told my partner its okay to wait but he seems more urgent. I wonder if he wants a child more for the purpose that it will keep me around if we have a kid together. Sadly, like an insurance policy. I know the decision I need to make, I just don't know if he will "hear" my words.

 

[Beverly G.]

I have PTSD my husband does not. We have two little girls together. The first adopted was our choice, the second was a BIG surprise. Because of the lack of physical strain on my body We did very well together. I enjoyed every minute of being a new mom, my husband was very suportive and her addition into our family seemed like the God send it was. On the other hand when our second baby came along the baby was very sick and the stress on our family was huge. Even now two years later I sometimes wish I could handle the strss of two small children better. My hubby is wonderful to fill in the empty places I leave during an "episode" that sometimes lasts months.

I have a friend that had 6 children with a man with PTSD and she says the biggest thing is to be sure you are ready to be the parent and let you partner be the buddy. Even that is only when he is capable. I think just between the two of us:sneaky:and everyone else on here I would not choose to have a baby(another one) as a PTSD suffer. I count the days until they grow up.

 

[Tifanee]

I agree PW. I think when you step into a relationship, you step into it with ideals of what "I" want for the future. I want more children, I want to live on a farm, I want a partnership with a man that loves and accepts me, I want a man in my life that is good to my daughter.

Stepping into this relationship I wasn't given all the information about his PTSD, I knew of the trauma in his childhood I just didn't know how it was still affecting him as an adult. Now I am in this relationship (for better or worse) and I need to resolve the "I" wants, and be okay with those decisions without resentment or regret. I'm a planner and a thinker, so I have to work all this stuff out in my mind before I am faced with the discussion.

I'm strong enough to walk away from a bad relationship, but I still feel like I need to give him some more time to see if he will put on his big boy boots and trudge through the muck to get to the greener pasture on the other side. There is still manure in this greener pasture, but at least he could step over it instead of wading knee deep in it all the time. I can't fix it or make it go away, but I am trying to understand and still be me in the process.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Tifanee, I am a sufferer as well as a supporter and, although my symptoms are mostly under control these days, I chose not to have children. A decision I have never regretted.

Doubly so when after 7 years of marriage my beautiful husband was trashed in an accident and got his own dose of PTSD.

If your man can't have a grown up conversation about the pros and cons of parenthood with PTSD where you give an opposing opinion to his, how does the future look?

 

[ProudWife99]

He's made a comment that he wishes he could have a child just not have to deal until it is like 2 years old because of all the baby stress.

Hellooooo red flag. I am not a parent, nor do I know if I ever will be...but if I do know that the stress of a child does not magically disappear following their second birthday. If anything, when speaking to my friends who have children, the baby years tend to be the easiest. Yes, they slept less, but as their children grew so did the stress and worry.

I find the advice and wisdom offered above to be quite smart. I feel like a lot of individuals view the choice to have a childhood as a selfish one. However, I feel like it should be viewed as a selfLESS one. Children are not just something to show off, but something to nurture, teach, comfort, and love. From what you've mentioned in this post and others I've read, your darling is in no place to offer those things reliably.

Not to say this will not change, as my husband suffers from PTSD and as he seems to cope and manage quite well recently, I know he would be an excellent father. It is my ability as I parent I'm concerned about.

I do hope that your situation improves.

 

[JohnJohn]

Tifanee,

My wife has been reluctant to say the least on seeking therapy for her past trauma, but I can say without question that our child did and does put extra emotional strain on her. I am the primary parent and find her wanting to be a mom, but only for the fun light harded moments. Our daughter pushes the envelope and has few boundaries with mom.

I wanted a large family, but now find myself being a single parent with a disconnected wife. I know my wife loves our daughter, but emotionally gets overwhelmed by a four year old who tests you every second of the day.

If you want children be prepared to go at it alone in my opinion. Sufferers may want to be parents, but they may be biting off more than they can chew, since they may spend a lot of energy on themselves.

Good luck and make sure you give more weight to your interests on this large and important decision.

 

[Eleanor]

My two cents, and this will sound harsh:

I went looking for (and thought I had found) a stable, emotionally and mentally healthy man to have a family with. I think kids need and deserve two good parents. Neither my H nor I knew he had PTSD when we married and had our daughter. It happens that my H's PTSD "woke up" and got really bad as my daughter approached the age of his first major trauma, and the age he was when his abuse started. If I had known I would not have signed up for this, for her or for me. Most days I think we will come out the other side and be ok, the three (six counting the big girls) of us.

Don't get me wrong, I love my H. If we split up, I doubt I'd look for someone else. We are, in his words, made for each other. Plus: He is working like hell to get the PTSD under control. All that said - I could not in good faith tell anyone it was a good idea to intentionally decide to have a child with someone with PTSD. It is an especially bad idea if the sufferer is reluctant/iffy about treating it. Until he jumps into treating the PTSD with both feet and a whole heart - it would be a deal breaker for me.