Ugh, I Don't Know What Else To Try

[Crl1983]

Please. I need to know what else I can do, none of my normal coping mechanisms are working today. This is I think this is my first time actually posting a thread on here. I am scared and people might think I'm crazy but oh well. I'm doing it anyways. I need to get the f**k out of dodge.

Last night I watched a movie with my fiance. If it weren't for that one, stupid scene
none of this would be happening. Today my stomach and my head have been hurting bad. My stomach is churning horribly right now trying to get this out. I wouldn't have watched the stupid movie If I had known that part would be in it. The one stupid little part they just had to throw in there.

Today the image kept coming up in my head unwanted. First it was just that and then it started dragging up bad, bad stuff with it, the bad bad dark. It kept coming back worse and worse, more and more. The blood, the blood,so much blood, too much blood. No uh-uh no mam don't want to talk about that. I started to really, really panic. I kept trying to run away to hide, it all kept jumping up on me, attacking me. All of it, the movie scene and the memories kept popping up one at a time and then jumbling all together, mixing up in a mass as I tried to shove away the whole jumble, shove it all down. Over and over. Jumpy, so jumpy. Couldn't understand what anyone was saying to me, I just know I heard their voices and it sounded incoherent and was scaring the **** out of me. I couldn't look in anyones faces because I was scared, everyone looked so sinister. I was trying so hard to hide it, I felt like I was going to implode. I remember hearing myself from far away saying "please, just please I don't feel well right now, I need rest, need to rest".

I was barely hanging on.
I don't know why. Even my fiance looked warped and wicked. He would look
at me and I was terrified. Sounds were mixing together. I started hearing voices
invading my head along with the images, the memories. Sinister voices.
One kept saying "No escape for you!" over and over and it felt like someone was ripping
my heart out every time I heard it.

Best way I can explain it. I wanted to scream, scream my head off until I disappeared.
Everything in real life started getting spinny, blurry. I felt like I was drowning in it, like it was swallowing me. I didn't want anyone around me. Everything, every little sound felt like an attack and I wanted to rip someones head off. I knew I had to get away.

I went in my room. I hid in there, in my bed. I tried to just shut my mind off and go
to sleep. I didn't fall asleep, but I went somewhere. Somewhere, all I remember it was dark.
And felt safe. The good dark. I must have been there for at least 2 hours. Then sounds from the real world started seeping back in, slowly like I was emerging from a tunnel. I still feel scared, I feel sick to my stomach and I can't be around anyone. I tried and it's too much. It freaks me out. Everything is. I feel safer alone. I keep telling everyone that I am sick and feel I am coming down with something so they will leave me alone. I want to cry but I can't. I feel stuck in here. Everything seems far away and eerily distorted. I keep having to retype things on this post because I keep messing up. I hope I didn't mess anything up and get in trouble.

I've been trying to get out of this state and I can't, I can't. Nothing that usually calms me down is working. I am usually pretty good at avoiding triggers, I think. Hell, It's usually hard to feel anything. Does anybody know anything else I can try? Right now I am just hiding away in my room. It's safer in here.

Please help me, I don't have a therapist right now. I haven't had a regular doctor in a while because of cost and my familys schedules.

 

[Crl1983]

Sht, just delete this. I'm just fkng losing it.

 

[ronin47]

Exercise. That is a very good way to relieve stress and tension. Go to the gym, or if you can't do that, do push ups and sit ups until you can't do anymore. Excercise does cause chemical changes in the brain that allow you to relax.

The intrusive thoughts you are describing are a very common symptom of PTSD. It sounds to me like the intrusive thoughts were becoming so overwhelming that the stress started causing hallucinations, which it will do. You are not crazy for experiencing this.

Something else you can do that has helped me is what some call "Raisin Meditation." Find something in the room to focus on, like a wooden countertop for instance. Focus on the lines in the wood, every crease and indent. Examine the different shades of color. Focus on the little knots and the smallest splinters. Focusing on something very small is a great way to relax and get the intrusive thoughts out.

The other option that I always cringe to suggest is to take yourself to the hospital. It's not a fun place to be, to say the absolute least. I only suggest it to people when their situation sounds like it's getting out of control. If nothing else it's a place to get away from the world for a little while.

 

[Stacie]

I feel for you, and I would definitely suggest trying some deep breathing- from the abdomen not the diaphragm. It will force your body to relax a little and calm down a little, which could be helpful for you. Even as I write this I know from experience that having someone else tell you to calm down and relax is not a cure or even necessarily possible. But since it sounds like you are in a pretty bad place right now, the important thing to do is not necessarily avoid your pain, but to do whatever you can to avoid complete crisis. Maybe ginger ale for your stomach? If you don't want to leave your room, can you try imagining a safer, happier place and pretending you're there? If you feel scared, you can try imagining an invisible force field around that place as well so no-one can hurt you.

Remember, there are always people out there who care, and take to heart what ronin47 mentioned. If you feel things are getting out of control just go to the hospital. No one wants to go there, but it is a safe alternative when all other options are not working for you.

I wish you the absolute best, I am not saying I know exactly where you are but I have been in similar places and it is possible to get out of them

Be well,

Stacie

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((crl1983)))))

There is NOTHING WRONG with the state you are in other than that it FEELS TERRIBLE.

But your feelings are NOT going to kill you, drive you insane, or hurt you or the people around you. Unless you act on them.

It's ok to sometimes, just practice radical acceptance that this feels like this sometimes, but it won't feel like this forever.

Use this time to keep trying some distractions until you find something that seems to work for you, even if for but a minute or two. Doing chores, reading, walking, speaking kindly to yourself, playing a game, folding laundry...whatever pulls you out of your feelings and head and helps your brain focus on your external environment.

Naming colors, seasons, counting sheep, listening to something relaxing...whatever...keep trying.

It sucks! It does get better with practice. I'm 'in it' right now but am forcing my body to 'do' these grounding & mindfulness activities to get me through until my feelings settle down.

...and I'm not judging myself for feeling like $h1T - THAT has gotten way better for me.

We're here. You're not alone. You are strong and brave and you WILL get through this. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now. Sending wishes for comfort, healing, and rest...

 

[AngelaMarie]

Bloom had such good advice!! Sometimes just taking things one minute at a time. Doing something simple. Take a long shower, maybe you should watch a comedy or something that is going to help you feel more positive. Also, how about trying to sit down and think of (or write down) positive things in your life or in the world. It could even be simple things: The birds singing, the flowers, the sun shining, etc. Try to counteract the bad feelings and thoughts with something that will fill you with a little positive energy.

You are not crazy! You are having a hard time! You should be proud of yourself for posting for help. To me that is a big step. Alot of times I have a hard time reaching out.

((HUG)) Sending you positive energy via the internet.

 

[NIKI]

Please help me, I don't have a therapist right now. I haven't had a regular doctor in a while because of cost and my familys schedules.

Wishing you strenth during this troubling time.

Maybe you could read some self-help books, or go for a *mindful* walk, trying not to have negative thoughs by naming all the things you see along your walk, from the grass *colors, smells, how it feels under your feet. The trees, the animals you might see. Using all your sences. That is what I am trying right now. I have taken my dog on hundreds of walks but I was never really there. I was in the past, in a emotional flashback. It feels nice to actually be present on the walk.

I so know what you mean by wanting to be by yourself. It's not always a bad thing, we all need alone time. Just as long as you don't spend most of your time alone.

Remember we are here for you and supporting you!:)

 

[OKRADLAK]

Grrrrr. THoughtless people who make movies like that. Why do that anyway?!!!

I walk out immediately and ask for my money back. Tell him to please not choose movies like that ever again! Use it as a learning experience for him. I am sorry it happened to you. It is very disturbing.

 

[Crl1983]

I shouldn't have watched that movie. I have made it a habit now to go on those "parental rating" sites to check out detailed movie descriptions before I watch them now. These sites list the severity and what types of violence are in movies so I will know beforehand if something I am considering watching is going to have scenes that will set me off in them. I just stayed holed up in my room for hours that night, away from everyone and I did some writing, couldn't do much else. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I will try some of these things next time I have a bad episode.

 

[Crl1983]

I think I can say what it was that set me off now, because I am feeling disconnected right now. There was a scene where the main character walks into a room and there was a woman lying on the floor and there was a huge pool of blood around her head. In the movie she was on her stomach with her head turned to the side, and she looked like she was sleeping. I saw my sister. My sister died lying on her stomach, from a shotgun wound to the head.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Oh my gosh! I am so, so sorry you saw that. Be strong. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will pass. I mean the feeling, not the death of your sister.

 

[NIKI]

My sister died lying on her stomach, from a shotgun wound to the head.

So sorry that happened to your sister. So sorry that you saw such a horrible act of violence against you sister.