Ugh, I Don't Know What Else To Try

[Crl1983]

I didn't actually see it happen, my other sister is the one who found her body. She also has been diagnosed with PTSD. I believe my brother has it as well but he refuses to get help for anything. My father did it, and then went into the backyard of the abandoned house next door and took his own life. The thing is my other sister described to me how she found her in detail. And I was the one who kept going into that house to get my families possessions because I was trying to be the strong one for my mom, sister, and brother. The house was going to be foreclosed on because my mom couldn't afford to keep it nor did she want to. I had to go into that house several times, that always dark (no matter how many windows were open), dirty house and see that mattress soaked through with so much blood, her blood. That house filled with so many bad memories. I remember how blood was still all over the nightstand as well. I remember how the wind chimes outside that bedroom window would start going off when I was in that room. I can't even bear to hear the sound of wind chimes now, because they trigger me so badly. My aunt had cleaned up the wall and floor before the first time I went. I don't know how she did that. Every time I went in that house I would start hallucinating, start seeing my sister, seeing her eyes, hearing her voice. I would feel get cold sweats and I would panic and it felt like someone was ripping my heart out out of my chest. I can't bear to write anymore. I am shaking all over and I can't breathe. My head is going to explode. I have to go for now.

 

[Crl1983]

Okay, I'm going to try some more. Now i have to get it out its gng to burst. I remember being at work, and the resource dept kept calling me at my desk but I was on a call with a customer. I finally got off the phone and called them. They said a man kept trying to call me and I knew it had to be my fianc.e. So I called him back already with a bad,sinking feeling. All he said was "I'm on my way, be near the front door, but whatever you do don't go outside or stand near any windows!" How f*cked up is it that I thought at that point that it had to be something to do with either my ex-husband or my father, two men I should have been able to trust mopst but was never able to because of abuse. I remember running to my car thiunking someone was going to get me before i got to the car, makin g it inside and being told from somewhere far away that my sister was dead and nobody could find my father. And I knew, knew right then he did it. I knew that f*cker did it because of his abuse and his history of pulling guins on my mother and himself and even other people when he was beating and terrorizing her in front of us when we were litlle. Knew because how he beat us and hit us and was alway so cold and "off". Knew because he broke my sisters arm when she was little and nobody was home and he had some story made up abou t how he did it on accident. I never believed him. Why did they all stay in that house for so long. It's a long, sick story maybe I will tell later if I am able. I knew and i went in shock, i rember going to pick up my kids from school to take to the police dept my fiance want to leave them there or with someone els e and nothing felt real, i was in a nightmare but i was terrified that my father was out looking for me and everyone and that he would get them so no i had to protect them and get them to the police dept,. I remember waiting for them and feeling like i was going to explode. We got the call that they found my father while we wer at the school. I felt like i was dying. There was a wasp on the window by me and the sun was on it. I rember that. I don't know why. I remember getting to the police department and my family was there and everybody was crying. I cant tell more right now.

 

[AngelaMarie]

(((Hug))) I do not know if you realize you are starting a trauma diary. Maybe this is a good place for you to tell your story and get support. The terror, the fear, the pain. It all seems to be coming out. I think this could be a lot of posts from you and I think you will get ALOT of support.
You are very brave to tell your story. Keep going because there is something about saying it and having other people support you that is healing.

 

[Crl1983]

Thank you for your kind words. I will eventually start a diary there is a lot that is down in there but I don't have the guts right now to say more. I have had 2 panic attacks and threw up and I still feel nauseous and haev so many feelings attacking me at once after what I already have let out, and my hands won't stop shaking. I am sweating and have the chills. I am starting to dissociate but I think it's for the best right now because I can't handle anymore and I'm already wanting to cut and am fighting not to hurt me. I need to separate myself fromm this ande myself right now and try think about other things or nothing at all.

 

[Crl1983]

I am going to call my sister later tonight if i feel any better and talk to her. And maybe that will help. I don't want to worry my mother she has enough guilt about everything. I don't know who else to turn to I don't feel like I can turn to my fiance he doesn't try to understand and doesn't know how to help and honestly he doesn't try. Most of the time he acts like I am crazy. Why I let him move me way out here and away from evryyone in my family I have no idea. Maybe I am crazy.

 

[Heather]

Crl I just read this -- And am wondering how you are doing? Hope you are okay?! You are not crazy. Having a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation!

I hope you are coping. Hang in there.

Take care. Heather.

 

[Heather]

HUGS to you crl.

 

[Crl1983]

Thank you Heather. I am doing okay right now. Thank you for your concern.

 

[Heather]

Thank you Heather. I am doing okay right now. Thank you for your concern.

Glad to hear it:)

Hugs.