Ugh, Life

[Matilda]

Well, I left college. I withdrew, and it was kind of a mess with dealing with the college staff and my pastor back at home. They kept pressuring me to stay and I had to deal with so many phone calls each day from people trying to "encourage" me. Ugh, finally I had to just stop answering and go on with the withdrawal process. Finally, on the day I was supposed to fly home I got really, really sick with food poisoning. I had to cancel my flight and I ended up passing out from dehydration. Next thing I know, I slept for 36 hours straight. Well, at least I'm caught up on sleep! I finally was able to fly here three days ago and Im home.
Home has actually been a very welcoming relief. My mother and I are on great terms right now and I'm trying to be as pleasant as possible to live with.
But, there have been roadblocks. For one, one of my close friend's best friend committed suicide last week so I've been trying my best to be there for her. It's pretty hard hearing about the suicide though, especially since she has no idea that I've been battling with severe depression for a few months now. And my dad decided to try finding me again. The day I got sick, I got an Ipad message from him pleading with me to tell him my location and if I was ok,. I ignored it and turned off the app. Then I got an email asking the same thing so I blocked him from my email. Then he tried calling me from another person's phone which I also ignored (this one really bugs me since I'm applying for jobs and I can't even answer the phone to people I don't know anymore). And then he even tried friending me on Facebook under a fake name, it really feels like an insult to my intelligence. So I blocked the ability for foreigners to find me on Facebook. All of this is just really, really stressful. I can't even leave my house and into my town without freaking out now. AND IVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, YET I HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!! I'm considering getting an official restraining order, but that's just a mess that I don't know if I can bear to handle especially since he will have confirmation that I am in town again.
And then, there's my supposed "best friend". We've been close for four years now and were practical sisters. Last week she called me on a day I was really having a complete meltdown because of all of the pressure from my college to stay. But I answered, just to find out she was having a meltdown because of boyfriend issues. So, because I love her, I spent two hours talking to her until she felt much better. She told me she loved me and that I was the closest friend she ever had and we finally stopped talking because I had to sleep. But, just two days later she cut off all communication with me. I called her when my dad messaged me and I was freaking out, and she refused to answer the phone. I then called her another day when I really just needed someone close to talk to. Again, no answer. Her mom called me when I was sick to see how I was doing and we talked for awhile, but still nothing from my friend. I tried to figure out what I could have done to her, but I did NOTHING. So I tried to excuse it because shes been pretty busy with job interviews. Well today, I was hanging out with another close friend of mine who is staying at her house for the next few weeks. I mentioned her acting so cold toward me. Well he made an excuse to go to the house and pick up his GPS charger, although I was pretty hesitant. We got to the house and I was shaking because I felt so awkward. I sheepishly followed him into the house and went straight to another close friend that I haven't seen in two months. We chatted, but I was so white that he thought I was going to faint. Finally I saw her, and she glared at me then walked right out of the house. I begged my friend to bring me home and he finally brought me to the car but before I could get in, he went straight to my friend and told her to say something to me. She pushed him away and told him to leave. I just wanted to scream, but I still love her too much. So now I'm home typing all of this. It hurts to be rejected so suddenly for no reason when right now all I really need is support and friends. It's even more frustrating because the only other person I talk to about any of my problems is her boyfriend, but I feel wrong going out to eat with him with her hating me so much right now.
I'm just tired, really, really tired. I wouldn't mind sleeping and never waking up. I don't want to die or commit suicide because it would hurt others so much, but part of me wants them to hurt. I just want to get sick again to have an excuse to keep sleeping and ignore everything right now.
If anyone actually read any of this, then seriously you are amazing. Thanks for the patience.
-Matild

 

[Matilda]

I feel weird commenting on my own post, but this just feels like a journal to me and it's such a relief to get my emotions down. I'm trying not to let any of this hurt me. Who even needs such a jerk of a "friend" so why should I let it hurt me?
But, it does. All of this does and my heart is throbbing. It's even hard to breathe (stress really makes my asthma flare). I keep trying to get things done because my house is a mess from unpacking, but I just keep sitting down mindlessly staring at my computer or TV. I read in an article about how depression is like an asthma attack. Once its triggered, it stays for awhile and you can't stop it. You can only try to relieve it and wait for it to go away. I guess, this is triggering me. It feels to much like when my dad wrote me off and I cut all communication from him. When I did that, I lost extremely close friends because they were his friends. I lost two little girls who I had the privilege of watching grow up for the past two years. That hurts. And now she decided to write me off and I'm losing another extremely close friend with her. There were the only two that I ever talked to about my past and my dad, my depression, all of this. I trusted her. Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep trusting people like this. I know plenty of people love me, but I just want to rip my heart out and stop feeling. Which is stupid, because for the past three months I was working on trying to not be numb. Now I question if being numb was preferable. :(

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read your post. You have several overwhelming relationships that are not benefitting you in any way. You deserve dignity and support, not the cold shoulder or an estranged parent. Is your father your abuser? Just trying to calculate how stressed he can make you.

Let college go for now. You can always go back when your depression abates, perhaps part time to start. You state that you are in a depression and have some suicidal ideation. This is a serious situation. Please as soon as possible see your psychiatrist for possible meds to treat your depression. If you don't have a therapist-please find a therapist who has experience with women your age. I mention this to you from experience. My daughter was stalked in high school. She wouldn't tell me why she refused to go to school. She's very smart and always loved school. She wouldn't say who was stalking her because she knew if she did, her brother would track him down and beat the shit out of him. Long story short, he found out one day he was home too and the phone rang off the hook. He answered it and told the kid he'd be right there and he called a cab and he and my daughter went to school. The little shithead went to the office to say Eric was going to beat him up. Eric said there were about twenty people waiting for him and of course all the attention went to Eric fighting. I got a call at work 5 hours AFTER this occurred and no one knew where my daughter was or if she was safe. They didn't care about her wellbeing at all. I finally found her and I told her I would find a therapist to help her process this trauma. Well it was almost impossible to find a therapist that will work with young women. It took a few days but I finally found a wonderful therapist who really helped her. So, be picky, young women have issues that make their therapy complicated. You clearly need support and guidance regarding your father and friend. Like I said, it's overwhelming. Maybe your mom can help you get set up with someone. In the meantime, I'd recommend that you distract yourself from these pressures. Get a job, read, watch comedy shows on TV, eat good food and get a good nights sleep. If you find yourself putting yourself down, say something you like about yourself. Just keep cheerleading yourself. Chill.......keep us posted, OK? Tomorrows a good time to start feeling better.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Matilda,

I'm sorry things are hard at home too. I'd get started on getting that restraining order. I don't know how big a place you live in, but keeping it secret that you are there is probably not an option. One challenge for survivors of abuse (and everyone else to some extent) is learning how to decide who to trust and who not to trust. There are a number of threads on here that address that - if you search some they will come up. You need people to talk to and trust and they need to be TRUSTWORTHY. It sounds like you are a good friend to others, when they are not good friends to you then a decision needs to be made about whether to continue the relationship or not.

I'm sorry it is so rocky, hang in there.

You have a good therapist there right?

 

[Matilda]

Thank you guys for reading and responding, it really meant a lot :) @Eleanor I do have a good therapist here, but Ive yet to schedule an appointment. I know I need to, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a great big nuisance, especially these past two days. But it's better right now. Right now, it feels like the clouds have parted a bit and not everything seems so hopeless and frustrating. I suppose that's because Im job hunting (which I've been doing for the past five days) and after finishing my tenth application I decided to switch routes and apply for a volunteer position at the local aquarium. I've always had a passion for marine biology so even if I don't get the job, it's something to look forward to :tup:. And I'm now considering applying for two small jobs tutoring Spanish and painting since I'm really feeling useless doing absolutely nothing, but obsessively cleaning the house.
Being abandoned twice in just three months is really, really overwhelming, but I'm pulling through somehow. I'm thankful I have people who remind me that I am loved.