Relationship Ugh Really....

[Court]

So I had to contact my husbands chain of command earlier this week and I received a phone call from my husband angry because they are counseling him on his responsibility to his family. He calmed down after awhile and had the nerve to tell me he never said he 100% wanted a divorce.

He says he still doesn't know what he wants and is upset I made contact with the COC. He has gone to legal and for the last month gone on and on about his feelings and he doesn't want to be married. I told him I am learning who I am and his behavior is unacceptable. I don't even know who this man is.

I am still keeping to myself not emailing him or accepting any chats. I answer the phone due to he does talk to our children. He has made many crazy choices half way into the deployment and I saw his ptsd but it ran over into our relationship. He says I'm the only one he wants to talk to but honestly I am over this crap.

What do I do?? This would be easy if he weren't deployed but I don't want him to snap over there. Sorry this is kind of a rant out of confusion I'm still moving in the direction of me and my kids because this is out of control.
Court

 

[nursenurse]

Don't second guess yourself. Too easy to become trapped. It becomes a matter of survival for you. Do you want to just exist with him, or do you want to live for you and your kids? Your title says it all, really, lol. If you are over, you are over. You cannot control what happens to him at that distance, and trust me, I am the Queen of that! I work way up north while the Dude lives near my hometown.

And when the crap happens, or they disappear and you can't just hop in the car and eyeball the situation, no phone, no internet, well someone wise said he's either dead or better. I took that to heart since I am typically away for a month to six weeks at a time. Let those chips fall where they may, you have kids to worry about.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So he cleaned out your checking account, leaving you, and more importantly your children high and dry without a penny, yet he has the nerve to get angry that you went to his chain of command?!?

It's one thing for him to mess with you, but when he takes away all your money, does he realize that your (his, too) kids need to eat?!?

Stay strong and remember you need to fight for them. At this point he is playing dirty. Don't feel bad for one split second for contacting his COC. His actions show that he wants a divorce. It's crap to say that he didn't say that he 100% wanted a divorce. He's game playing. Don't put up with it!

 

[kahlan]

I have to agree that especially where its spilled over into cutting into your children's basic needs its gone too far. They are the most important factor here. Not him. Do what's best for you and your children. It may be hard but it's necessary.

I left my ex (not ptsd) for my child's welll being. Abusive behaviors and selfish agendas are NOT okay. Sticking it out also just reinforces to the kids that its ok to be a jerk. I know you love your husband and you have been together most of your lives but he's playing the control game and you deserve better than that!!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

He needs to know that you are now acting for the best interest of your children and yourself, since he is leaving you dangling by a thread. He needs to know that you cannot tolerate any of his behavior that puts a hardship on your kids (ie emptying the checking account).

Good for you for standing up to him! PTSD is not a license to cause pain for others. It may be a contributing factor to it... but it is not an excuse or a reason that you should accept that behavior.

 

[Barberian]

[Retired USN] I'm assuming he is in the U.S military.

As long as he is married to you, he MUST provide financial support for you with consideration to his paygrade. The higher his paygrade, the higher your standard of living must be considered. This includes his children. Not only public relations, but basic human decency is very ingrained in the military, regardless of branch. If he fails to live up to his responsibilities, you are entitled to contact his command regardless of what he says. Most base legal commands or departments do not provide any legal counseling for divorces but the most basic of help - giving references to laws that apply and then the interested party has to read them, themselves.

Even if you divorce, he MUST provide for his children financially, and they retain their medical insurance and access to base medical until 18yrs old, or up to 26yrs old if they are enrolled in full time college. As for financial support for you after divorce, that is up to the courts.

If he separates from the military and is awarded disability percent, that income is exempt from any taxes, garnishment, or divorce settlement, including any consideration for ex-spousal support.

Regardless if whether or not you decide to stay with him or leave, I hope the best for all concerned.

 

[Court]

Barberian thanks for the info! He was fine until mid tour after a week of saying he hates war, afganistan, the douche bags(his words) he is with it all turned on our marriage. He was diagnosed 1 week prior to leaving with mild ptsd. He has been lashing on me for the last month blaming me for everything as well as saying he needs to be alone.

He barely contacts our children even though he has private Internet in his room. I had enough between leaving me 5 days with $5 in the bank and calling just to attack me. Or be verbal abusive. I know his job is front line and he a medic on top of it therefore he sees a lot of crap.

Now this past week since he had to sign a consoling statement saying he would not wipe out our account he claims he never said he wanted a divorce but needs time away from everything. I have much proof to show what he has said the last month about not wanting to be married.

I wish I knew what happened to the man who was deeply in love with me 4 months ago and cried as we had to say goodbye. I don't know the man he is anymore and don't care to. My kids still don't know anything. I'm just over dealing with his crap.
Court

 

[Barberian]

I wish I knew what happened to the man who was deeply in love with me 4 months ago

I don't mean to be harsh, but War happened, and he's in it. Fortunately, only those who've been in war can truly understand it. It's worse than you can possibly imagine because imagination isn't REAL. War is real.

The man you loved is probably still in there. Because I don't know you or your situation fully, I can not offer advice on whether to stick with him or not.

 

[ds112496]

Court...I am in the very same situation. The only difference is my husband came home on mid tour and announced he wanted a divorce. I was served with divorce papers the day after he left to go back. He also posted on his Facebook how much fun he had with our daughter and his parents and took care of some necessary cleanup. It is amazing that all this happened in the 4 months he was gone. It's like he is someone completely different. He literally stopped all communication with me. He is calling all the shots. I also contacted his chain of command because he talked about suicide while he was packing his things. I was told he would be command referred to mental health when he returned, but he has been back a week and I don't think they sent him. He also is not contacting our daughter. She sees him online, but she doesn't try to contact him either. She says it doesn't bother her, but I don't see how it can't.

I do not know what will happen when he comes home again. He still has 5 months over there. It has only been a month since all this started and I am trying to see him for who he has become. I think it helps me grieve. Today when I saw him online I actually felt nothing. I didn't even want to talk to him. I did not ask for this to happen, and really do not want a divorce. I would like to go to marriage counseling, but I am slowly accepting that will probably not happen. My focus now is to find a job and figure out what my future will be.

My thoughts are with you and hope your situation has a positive end. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason so God must have something better for me in the future.