Unbearable Pain

[Deleted member 5370]

ARJUNA:
Tell me of those
Who live always in wisdom, ever aware
Of the Self, O Krishna; how do they talk,
How sit, how move about?
SRI KRISHNA:
They live in wisdom
Who see themselves in all and all in them,
Whose love for the Lord of Love has consumed
Every selfish desire and sense craving
Tormenting the heart. Not agitated
By grief or hankering after pleasure,
They live free from lust and fear and anger.
Fettered no more by selfish attachments,
They are not elated by good fortune
Or depressed by bad. Such are the seers.
Even as a tortoise draws in its limbs,
The wise can draw in their senses at will.
Through aspirants abstain from sense pleasures,
They will still crave for them. These cravings all
Disappear when they see the Lord of Love.
For even of those who tread the path,
The stormy senses can sweep off the mind.
But they live in wisdom who subdue them,
And keep their minds ever absorbed in Me.
When you keep thinking about sense objects,
Attachment comes. Attachment breeds desire,
The lust of possession which, when thwarted,
Burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgement;
You can no longer learn from past mistakes.
Lost is the power to choose between the wise
And unwise , and your life is utter waste.
But when you move amidst the world of sense
From both attachment and aversion freed,
There comes the peace in which all sorrows end
And you live in the wisdom of the Self.
The disunited mind is far from wise;
How can it meditate? How be at peace?
When you know no peace, how can you know joy?
When you let your mind heed the Siren call
Of the senses, they will carry away
Your better judgement as storms drive a boat
Off its safe-charted course to certain doom.
Use all your power to set the senses free
From attachment and aversion alike,
And live in the full wisdom of the Self.
Such a sage awakes to light in the night
Of all creatures. That which the world calls day
Is the night of ignorance to the wise.
As the rivers flow into the ocean
But cannot make the vast ocean overflow,
So flow the magic streams of the sense-world
Into the sea of peace that is the sage.
They are forever free who break away
From the ego-cage of I, me, and mine.
To be united with the Lord of Love.
This is the supreme state. Attain to this
And pass from death to immortality.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

I had a terrible day yesterday. I had meetings with very important people all day and I felt great about it the whole week coming up to it but then I told my dad and he said "don't get your hopes up" and it shattered my confidence. I couldn't sleep so I was tired the whole day. I decided to drink coffee in the morning and I was still tired so I thought I would drink a 5 hour energy drink and that didn't go over well with my PTSD. I was comatose. I couldn't speak, I couldn't smile, I couldn't move. The people I was with started laughing at me. IN FRONT OF VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE! And they all started making fun of me completely. Have you ever heard of something like this? In a business meeting and people start making fun of you??? Worst day of my life and all because my dad said, "Don't get your hopes up."

 

[Farine]

ACK! How awful!!! And worse than awful, the comment that spawned it all!!!!

I heard from Anthony Robbins about 'the crab bucket'. If you catch crabs and put them in a bucket, you don't need to put a lid on the top. THat's because the other crabs will pull any escaping crab back down into the bucket. It sounds to me like that's just what your father did...

It also sounds to me like you tried to push a 'reset' button to get your mental state back to the pre-crab maneuver. As harsh as yesterday was, you should be the kind one to yourself. You will find a reset process for yourself that works. In the meantime, I would recommend labelling and avoiding all 'crabs'. [prior to important events...]

((((hugs if ok))))) Again, I"m very, very sorry to read this.
Farine

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello lotsofpain,
I am sorry for what transpired. I too have been ridiculed in a very formal setting also and then reprimanded by my boss afterwards and then, overhearing them all in the muster room laughing to fits over me and worst of all, what occurred was not my fault and the person whose fault it was, was really putting some spin on the event going over and over various moments. Oh, I felt like just dying there and then and, it caused my ptsd symptoms to overwhelm me.

In regards to your father's comment, my father always put me down whenever I aspired for promotion or specialist areas and this was before I had ptsd. though I nevver asked him why he said those degrading comments to me and I would get so angry with him, but somewhere inside a little girl screamed back "I will show you". And I did, attaining all the goals I wanted before I was traumatised.

I too had an amazing life before ptsd became a 24/7 reality for me. Sometimes I think my whole life is in ruins too and it would be fair to say it is, never a day goes by without triggers.. But I think of the Phoenix rising from the ashes and how dare someone take my life away, a life that literally took blood, sweat and tears to build in the first place. So, if you feel your life is ruined there is only one way to go and that is up, see if you van visualise this for yourself, it's hard but with practice a plan may evolve and a way forward will open up hopefully.

You might have to put up with some bellly punches as the story gets around your work place, I cannot tell you how to react, but try to respond with some dignity if possible. Most work place rumours and rubbishing should go away fairly quickly if you don't add ammunition to them by behaving badly, if someone raises it with you.

It seems to me that you are fighting a mighty big painful battle, in your life and in your head. Your self-esteem has been terrorised and it has triggered a "what and why am I here question". Well God did put you on earth and for good reason. You have a right to be here and a purpose to be here and there is a point to it all, though you have not fathomed it as yet.

I have asked myself these questions over and over and pray for the pain to stop. I have wanted to end the pain via a fast track, imagining that peace will be "on the other side". Then I remember my children, my former life, my crashes and burns and that little girl comes out again screaming at me not to even consider it.

There are no one off answers to the things you have raised in your post, but before you bash yourself up again try to find that life force that did bring you kicing and screaming into this less than ideal world. Tap into it that, starting at the tips of your toes till you get to how you think.

Yes ptsd is so painful that we do start asking what is the point. I don't know and I haven't read about anyone who does. I know the reasoning and current theory about why ptsd strikes but I don’t know why the same experience or similar experience can cause ptsd in one and yet not the other.

You are not insane, you are hurt, in pain and disorientated but you are not insane, you have ptsd not insanity. It happens to people, a lot of people and I am sure keeping your faith in yourself and hopes for the future alive is a daily struggle, I haven't met anyone with ptsd in person but I have read many posts here on the forum and emotional pain is dotted through most of them. If you are seeing a therapist or your doctor regarding your ptsd, now might be a good time to pay him/her a visit to vent out the detail and the anger. If you are on medications they might adjust them. If you are not seeing a doctor or therapist now might be a good place to begin.

All sufferers of ptsd ebb and flow with pain, symptoms, triggers and self worth, you are not alone and you must, must appreciate yourself and next time your father indulges in some wisdom tell him that if he cannot say something nice, don’t bother saying it at all and don’t lose sight of those goal posts. Do some positive self talk to counteract that stupid comment. You made a mistake that started from a miserable comment.

Please always remember you don't know what is around the next corner, tomorrow or ever. Please, do not let one ugly comment from your father and a really bad day at work, rip away your self-esteem or your hopes. Take a deep breath and stand tall, there will be other days when you will shine!
Go well
blackemerald1

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Farine,

Well my dad is a Boddhisatva. He didn't mean anything bad by it. He has just been disappointed so many times. He isn't a crab.

I love that metaphor though. That's amazing that they do that!


Thanks for the hugs. I feel a little better.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

blackemerald1,

Wow, you took all that time out to read my posts and write me a letter of such length??????!!!!!!!!! What are you? An angel?

 

[bonnecanyon]

Well my dad is a Boddhisatva.

What is a Boddhisatva? Someone on their spiritual path to enlightenment?

Just curious as to your opinion.

Thanks
BC

 

[Deleted member 5370]

From what I understand it is a Buddha who came back into a human form to bring other suffering beings to Nirvana.

I just mean it as someone with a lot of compassion.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

I can't tell you how much better I feel. I feel like I am completely free of PTSD. It happened last week, I was reading a spiritual scripture by the Buddha that I have read many times before but this time it just clicked. I have been free of flashbacks and symptoms for almost a week. I really feel free. Free of pain.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

I did a bad thing in my past that I completely regret and it causes me pain. I was in the grips of PTSD and I acted out with anger and hopelessness. How do I get over that?

 

[amethist]

Hi

As you are a full member of the forum now, maybe you could start a thread or diary in the PTSD section so you can write it all down and get it out of your system a bit. If you can do this it may help lessen the pain.

Being open and honest about what you did could help, not that you have to share anything unless you want to.

Please go a bit easier on your self.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Looks like the pain is gone. I went 2 weeks symptom free and now it's all back.