Hi, everyone. I'm Katie.
I'm not entirely sure if my experiences qualify as being severe enough to be disagnosed with PTSD, but a family friend diagnosed with PTSD recently pointed out that I am experiencing many symptoms, and after a few web searches I think she is right; descriptions of PTSD describe exactly what I've been feeling.
Growing up, my family was poor and the arguments about financial matters eventually escalated to verbal abuse by one of my parents. Once, I was briefly physically abused. The incidents were overall severe enough that they are almost all of what I remember from my childhood. They lasted for about fifteen years. My family withdrew, and we all had trouble relating to other people who didn't experience such sadness and fear every single day. Due to the screaming and fear for my physical safety during the abuse, I still react horribly to loud or sudden noises and movements. Panic attacks, usually.
In my first year of college, I had a hard time transitioning because all my roommates were well-off and came from mostly happy families. It took a long time to relate to them at all. Worse still, most of my school's social culture revolves around parties, and I often miss out on hanging out with friends because I cannot handle the noise. I've had many a violent panic attack because of someone screaming at a party, or banging a glass down onto a table.
I'm in my third year of college now, and the abuse is still a sore wound but one I am slowly reconciling with myself. The physical symptoms of panic, however, still perist. On top of the existing trauma, a year ago I developed severe depression, and that experience was more traumatic than the abuse itself. I often physically injured myself and attempted suicide. My partner was distressed by this to the point of also developing depression, and now I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for what I've done to her. Every time I think about the past year I completely break down. I have frequent nightmares about suicide. I had an embarrassing panic attack in class when I had to use an xacto knife because I had often used them to injure myself.
I feel worthless and empty, and most of all lonely. I can't relate to people who haven't experienced at least this much pain, and I want to scream just hearing people talk about TV and gossip and celebrities. I know I should be happy that they're happy, but I feel so alien to that lifestyle.
I know this has been super long, sorry. Also sorry if this is a total repeat of someone else's post. I'm just looking for people to finally understand, and for any advice on how to connect with people again. Thanks!
I'm not entirely sure if my experiences qualify as being severe enough to be disagnosed with PTSD, but a family friend diagnosed with PTSD recently pointed out that I am experiencing many symptoms, and after a few web searches I think she is right; descriptions of PTSD describe exactly what I've been feeling.
Growing up, my family was poor and the arguments about financial matters eventually escalated to verbal abuse by one of my parents. Once, I was briefly physically abused. The incidents were overall severe enough that they are almost all of what I remember from my childhood. They lasted for about fifteen years. My family withdrew, and we all had trouble relating to other people who didn't experience such sadness and fear every single day. Due to the screaming and fear for my physical safety during the abuse, I still react horribly to loud or sudden noises and movements. Panic attacks, usually.
In my first year of college, I had a hard time transitioning because all my roommates were well-off and came from mostly happy families. It took a long time to relate to them at all. Worse still, most of my school's social culture revolves around parties, and I often miss out on hanging out with friends because I cannot handle the noise. I've had many a violent panic attack because of someone screaming at a party, or banging a glass down onto a table.
I'm in my third year of college now, and the abuse is still a sore wound but one I am slowly reconciling with myself. The physical symptoms of panic, however, still perist. On top of the existing trauma, a year ago I developed severe depression, and that experience was more traumatic than the abuse itself. I often physically injured myself and attempted suicide. My partner was distressed by this to the point of also developing depression, and now I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for what I've done to her. Every time I think about the past year I completely break down. I have frequent nightmares about suicide. I had an embarrassing panic attack in class when I had to use an xacto knife because I had often used them to injure myself.
I feel worthless and empty, and most of all lonely. I can't relate to people who haven't experienced at least this much pain, and I want to scream just hearing people talk about TV and gossip and celebrities. I know I should be happy that they're happy, but I feel so alien to that lifestyle.
I know this has been super long, sorry. Also sorry if this is a total repeat of someone else's post. I'm just looking for people to finally understand, and for any advice on how to connect with people again. Thanks!
