Hi!
I know you last commented a couple weeks ago, and hope things are going well. I have PTSD, and have been single for most of my life because of it. I can only speak for myself, and am not suggesting that your partner has my behaviors, but I’m hoping that if I explain my behaviors it might provide some insight, or comfort. When you’re navigating your way through PTSD/mental health, sometimes you can’t understand or manage your own feelings. That makes it hard to deal with the feelings of others. Especially if their feelings involve you. Other people become too much to handle. I get defense, and mad when people express concern for me. It’s like being made of raw nerves, and every time someone tries to get close to me they’re touching those raw nerves, and it hurts so I pull back. It’s like if you have a painful bruise and someone pressed it by accident, you might instinctively yell “ow!” And get snippy with them, even though you know it was just an accident. I feel like “don’t say positive things to me, but don’t say negative things to me either!” When I’m in the thick of it, no one can do annything right, but THAT’S NOT THEIR FAULT, and it’s not in their control. It’s something going on within me, and it’s my responsibility to work it out. All they can do is let me know that they’re there for me, and give me space. It’s so tricky because we need our loved ones to be patient and forgiving of us, but we also have to hold ourselves accountable for the way we treat our loved ones. We can’t hurt people just because we’re hurt. When I’m in the thick of it, I just want everyone to get the hell anway from me, and stop loving me, and stop needing me, and stop even acknowledging that I exist. I just want to be left alone. PTSD is so personal and complicated. It’s hard to see through the haze it creates. It’s hard to connect. I really struggle with dissociation. Im struggling in my relationship right now because I work so much, and my business is so people oriented. It drains me, because it pulls me out of my head. I like being alone in my own head more than is healthy. I love my clients but I have to unwind by withdrawing back into myself. Now that I have a boyfriend I have less time to recover from interacting with clients, and less time to be inside my own head. On top of that I have someone else who’s trying to get inside my head, and get close to me and understand me. It feels suffocating sometimes, and I get snippy because I want him to leave me alone and I resent him for wanting to be near me even though he’s not doing anything wrong. That makes me feel guilty, and self loathing and so then I want to push him away even more because I feel like it isn’t fair to him. I also get mad when he tries to relate to me, or give me advice on things he isn’t qualified to give me advice on or doesn’t understand. Sometimes people try to help us, but unintentionally say something that hits a nerve. An example is that I’ve been struggling with dissociation lately, and because of it I keep losing my keys. I recently found my purse in my fridge. It’s very stressful and makes me extremely mad at myself. I just want my brain to be normal. I tried talking to him about it, because it’s having a huge impact on me, and he kept referring to it as me “forgetting things,” and telling me how he “forgets things,” all the time. He’s trying to help feel better by attempting to normalize it, but it’s not normal and dissociating isn’t the same as forgetting something. I have been in trauma therapy for about 3 yrs now so im able to identify these things and control how much I let them reach my boyfriend, and im able to ask my therapist for help before it becomes a serious problem. That said trauma therapy can feel HORRIBLE. It really drags out the things we don’t want to face because they hurt so bad. It’s an intimidating, and long process, and it’s common to feel devoid of hope. Even once you start to find relief, you can backslide. It sucks. Communication is extremely important. The person w PTSD needs to communicate to the best of their ability, but I think that’s a skill that needs to be learned and getting professional help is crucial in learning it.
Whether or not this is something you can move forward with, isn’t a reflection of how strong you are as a person. It’s his responsibility to get help. You can’t force him to. You can’t fully help someone who doesn’t want help. He’s lost right now, and he has to find his way out. All you can do is let him know you’re there for him. You are also important, and your well-being is important. You, and your feelings matter just as much as him, and his feelings. If this is too strenuous on you, it’s not healthy for either of you. It’s ok to put yourself first, and step back if that’s what you need to do. You can put yourself first, and still be there for him. He’s so lucky to have you. It’s such a big deal that you care so much that you found a forum, and reached out for help. You’re a very special person. You’re going above, and beyond. Everyone with PTSD would be lucky to have someone like you in their life. I hope you realize that. You should be proud of the depth of your love, compassion, and empathy.
Every night we would send good night and that kiss emoji. Sunday, nothing from him. At 2pm I texted "are you still asleep?" " No. Its been a very bad day." I asked what happened, "just a bad day.? Then all of this starts?? I ask him if he wants to end this, if he wants out? I just get "I just want to be alone." I said to him, alone for while or for good? He doesn't know. Now, silence.
