Anthony (and Nicolette):
I'm still reading through this and understand your rules a lot better from within the framework of this document. I also have many more things I'll read through before responding more fully on the forums besides general support.
Frankly, Anthony's articles, posts, experience and everything else is just short of a formal Dissertation.
That said, there's a lot of blank spots that I'm trying to fill in that may be beyond the scope of this document. Namely, this is the first time I'm hearing about PTSD as an "Imbalance" between right and left hemispheres of the brain. (1) What is the definition of an imbalance in this context? Where's the cite? (2) How does this work with current theory about pre-frontal cortex and amygdyla? I can't find peer-reviewed references with a keyword search of PTSD and brain hemispheres.
Further, my contention with Anthony about "Combat Trained" and "Civilian" being different makes a lot more sense, but because of Anthony's definition and explanation in this article, I have an idea that there's a third variation on this: The trained Civilian that experiences TRAINING as well as tragedy and grief.
I argued that a civilian photographer in Beirut feels more at home in Combat.PTSDforum.org, but concede that that isn't necessarily true. Dorothy Parvaz, for instance, wouldn't belong there, despite captivity, emotional torture, combat, etc. Further, she (as far as I know) wouldn't know how to use a gun or fight without a gun even if her life depended on it.
Trained hyper-awareness, (Hypervigilance) and exaggerated startle response isn't just a military thing and isn't "trained" just by the military. The training of guns and how to kill isn't just military. I grew up in the country, for example. I was 10 when dear old, alcoholic, Viet Nam vet, Dad started teaching me how to shoot and take care of guns. He taught me and my brother how to shoot with and without a spotter at long distances. In short, trained by an hinting Vet sharp-shooting dad.
I was 14 when I started martial arts and 16 when I earned a "Brown belt" in Tae Kwon Do before moving to Mixed Martial. In short, trained by Gyosa and then a "Coach" named Boris from Russia. ;)
I was 19 when a man from West Beirut tapped into that set of experiences and created a "Civilian" that was able to scan windows and roof-tops and shoot his way out of East Beirut....now, part of my panic attack and flooding.
Anthony (should be Dr. Anthony Parsons) should polish this up and submit it as a book, then as a Dissertation. It's THAT good... and it's helped analytical me. Clean division between "military" and "civilian?" ... not so much, though I'm still going through everything he's written and trying to understand.
For the record, I'm not trying to make my own self MORE than what I am. I AM and always WILL be a civilian. However, I have HURT and injured people (including hospital staff and psych ward guards) because this third variation wasn't understood. My therapist has seen me in full flooding and knows how hard it sometimes is to get to an office mere blocks away when there are SO many rooftops and open windows and intersections to navigate through... but, only when I'm triggered by heavy helicopters.
Martial arts is about training muscle memory and technique and to "react" before you think. It's about getting the technique into the same place as pulling your hand away from an hot stove. Hunting (with an abusive, Vet father) is about hearing and knowing and learning the first time around so you don't get beat and hit around the ears.
Actual Combat introduces everything you learned to the very REAL world. I didn't get it, but Mustapha did. He saw it when he found me. He used it... to kill everything from here to there. I never missed... after I was finally able to pull the trigger the first time... After I emptied a clip into a dead body with Mustapha holding my hand to pull the trigger...
Anthony, you explained everything very well except: You cannot DIVIDE everything between YOUR military experience and our Civilian experience with nothing in between. There ARE things in between... and, yeah, I DID suffer abuse before the combat experience... so did my dad before his Viet Nam.
Anthony, my therapist is doing a VERY good job on a thing that she can't imagine. I DO trust her. I also made her cry, two times and that was a betrayal to me: I need her to be strong and not cry... except, I describe everything THAT well.
I'm turning to you because there's a middle place between what you say, my experiences (plural) and Dr. Uma Millner. I HATE that my girlfriend, Kelsey, has to get off the bed and touch my foot to wake me up because she's scared of me. I hate being a machine of training and having to deal with what I did AFTER I've done it.
Yeah, this "Civilian" knows all about the button and training to develop a short-cut key to achieve it: Some of us outside of the military train long and hard to achieve it.
I'm VERY sorry if there's any offense. I don't want there to be. I'm desperate and trying to figure out what's going on. My therapist is ALSO trying to figure it out and I feel that she's trying. She's tough on me and knowledgeable and knows PTSD.
Seriously, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I'm OUT OF TIME. My therapist leaves in December on Maternity Leave and My 2-year gf is tired of it. I do NOT have amnesia, anymore (mostly, except for some blanks) I have triggers and I DO have nightmares that push against those blanks. I feel as if I'm going to LOSE everything, again.
I have to solve this NOW.
