equinox92101
New Here
29 year old male. Had a really happy, safe, and secure upbringing from a loving home. Then when I went into high school I quickly became known as the 'school clown', and not in a good way. The whole school of 700 students knew me, and it wasn't long until I couldn't go anywhere in my school or town without fear of being humiliated or laughed at by others, which created a high level of paranoia, social anxiety, and OCD behavior. I was also called ugly on a relative amount of occasions, which caused me to really dislike my physical appearance. There were 1 or 2 times when I was beginning to get confident, even had opportunities of relationships with the opposite sex, but it was never going to happen - simply because there was always a change of me being humiliated or abused in public.
Went to college when I was 18 which was a new environment, away from the people of my hometown. A fresh start from not living in fear the whole time, but instead I became absolutely obsessed with my physical appearance and spent hours thinking of ways to improve it.
What followed over the next 10 years was a bit of a fragmented self - I did create great memories such as studying abroad and have been in a good place/living in a really great city since 26, but there was also a continued battle with OCD, hatred of my physical appearance due to still being called ugly occasionally. I was also stuck in a group of friends for a few years who I really didn't feel I clicked with and wasn't able to explore my own personal passions and interests as I would have liked. There was also one woman who really hurt me/humiliated me a year and half ago, I have spent so much time ruminating over her. I have consistent Insomnia which impacts my quality of life.
Today, things are good overall, at least externally. I live in a great city, with good friends, and have a well paid job at a good company. But there is still so much underlying baggage that I need to resolve.
As my title states, I have never been diagnosed with CTPSD, but I do feel I maybe fit some of the criteria. On the surface, I feel that it was formed during my teenage years in high school where I was in a a situation of prolonged psychological abuse with little-to-no chance of escaping. How it has manifested in my life today is through anxiety, extreme rumination over hurts, OCD like behavior, consistent Insomnia, difficulty at establishing many close genuine connections and friends, and a fragmented and disconnected sense of self and identity.
Where I'm sceptical that it is not CTPSD is the fact that the paranoia and anxiety developed at the age of 12/13 onwards, as opposed to early childhood. Furthermore, it was not from a caregiver or family member. Also I feel that some of my feelings and reactions seem legitimate and justified due to the tough reality that is life - i.e. people will hurt you, you may get called ugly if you're average or below average looking etc. Finally, I have been able to build genuine connections with certain friends, so maybe I just got unlucky that I didn't meet many of these people in my life.
Any ways thanks for reading all this and good to be join this forum!
Went to college when I was 18 which was a new environment, away from the people of my hometown. A fresh start from not living in fear the whole time, but instead I became absolutely obsessed with my physical appearance and spent hours thinking of ways to improve it.
What followed over the next 10 years was a bit of a fragmented self - I did create great memories such as studying abroad and have been in a good place/living in a really great city since 26, but there was also a continued battle with OCD, hatred of my physical appearance due to still being called ugly occasionally. I was also stuck in a group of friends for a few years who I really didn't feel I clicked with and wasn't able to explore my own personal passions and interests as I would have liked. There was also one woman who really hurt me/humiliated me a year and half ago, I have spent so much time ruminating over her. I have consistent Insomnia which impacts my quality of life.
Today, things are good overall, at least externally. I live in a great city, with good friends, and have a well paid job at a good company. But there is still so much underlying baggage that I need to resolve.
As my title states, I have never been diagnosed with CTPSD, but I do feel I maybe fit some of the criteria. On the surface, I feel that it was formed during my teenage years in high school where I was in a a situation of prolonged psychological abuse with little-to-no chance of escaping. How it has manifested in my life today is through anxiety, extreme rumination over hurts, OCD like behavior, consistent Insomnia, difficulty at establishing many close genuine connections and friends, and a fragmented and disconnected sense of self and identity.
Where I'm sceptical that it is not CTPSD is the fact that the paranoia and anxiety developed at the age of 12/13 onwards, as opposed to early childhood. Furthermore, it was not from a caregiver or family member. Also I feel that some of my feelings and reactions seem legitimate and justified due to the tough reality that is life - i.e. people will hurt you, you may get called ugly if you're average or below average looking etc. Finally, I have been able to build genuine connections with certain friends, so maybe I just got unlucky that I didn't meet many of these people in my life.
Any ways thanks for reading all this and good to be join this forum!