Undiagnosed Ptsd For 20 Years

[Jatad]

I am 21 now, have had diagnosed ADHD since i was a kid, have chronic back pain, Depression, General Anxiety, and recently discovered a good possibility of me having PTSD. :'(

Things have been going downhill my whole life it seems as every day is just me tripping over myself again and again. People say "this is just negativity, you need to find a way to be more positive and embrace the bright side." I see the bright side clearly. I see everything good in my life. I see that is THERE IS SOOOOOO MUCH for me to be thankful for. BUT STILL!!!! DESPITE this i feel like a total loser.

I've made a call recently to get proper counselling on top of the ADHD coaching im already doing once a week.Im finally getting my first package of medicinal marijuana on monday. Ive had to settle for street pot for the longest time and its getting harder and harder to get a lasting calm from smoking pot. I've heard all the sh*t about pot good and bad so im dont arguing about it.

Im hesitant to even post this and I'm the kinda person and always have been the kind of person to worry about EVERYTHING. I dont want to say my side of things wrong or portray the wrong message in worry that it will lead to the wrong outcome. I also feel terrible involving other people in this as I dont want them to be dwelling on my misfortune. Im sure there are reasonable explanations to counter every negative thing i could list but that doesnt matter to me. no matter what anyone says to me i still feel like its never going to get better. All i know is F**K up after F**K up. I have very little confidence left and I just want to hear the right thing before Im truely too lost to see the help i need. hands still shaking. breaths heavy. tears forming. I just want to be happy. :'(

^the above was copy, pasted, and edited from another thread i made on a different site that no one replied to. writing these are just too hard.

 

[Najub]

Firstly whether anonymous or a full member Welcome to the forum and if you accept it a Laurie_:hug: from the UK

I myself have suffered from Abuse and PTSD since a very early age. my first trauma memory was at the age of 2, 41 years ago.

You will get loads of support here, it would be good to meet you properly on the forum some day soon.

Kindest Regards

Laurie

 

[Tuwoj]

I first want to say welcome , and add that you are among people who will not reject you. Also I want to tell you that I am very proud of you for
willing to be vulnerable and reaching out .

Awesome work on getting counselling . It takes a lot to admit that you need help.
I hope we can help you connect and find healing :hug:

 

[Utusir]

Welcome to the forum, I too suffer from PTSD from childhood abuse and having medical issues. I just got diagnosed at 26 but I have been depressed pretty much my whole life. I tried to commit suicide at 14 because of the abuse from my mother. She passed away in April and I thought my life would be easier but I think she's haunting me because my nightmares have been so much worse. :hug: Hope u find support here

 

[Jatad]

Im glad that I'm well recieved.

I should mention that the PTSD is a result of a couple different incidents when i was 6 months and 2 years old. We cannot pinpoint it to abuse, but i will explain.

I was born in Bangladesh while my parents were there on a volunteer relief mission. When i was about 6 months old, there was a incident when i was given to a caretaker and told to stay there while my parents worked on a project in northern Bangladesh. when my parents got back, i was not there and when they did find me, all they were told was that i was "passed, or shown, (correct terminology was unclear) around the local community."
That same night i was extremely upset, having prior being a very happy baby, i was screaming relentlessly and vomiting all night.

Second, when my parents left bangladesh, i was taken away from everything id known, my main caretaker whom ive been with since birth, the climate, food, etc, and brought over a stressful 12 hour plane ride, which during i was constantly screaming, and brought into a completely new environment.

I have talked with my Mom and one of my doctors about this and have deduced that this has caused PTSD as a result of early childhood trauma. So my entire life has been lived unknowing of the fact that i could have PTSD and i cant describe how i feel about it other than say that its very overwhelming. As a child I had night terrors which eventually stopped, but my entire life as been in a constant state of worry. I feel like every decision has my life on the line.

 

[Vedob]

I know exactly how you're feeling, I've been there.

I was born prematurely due to my mom using drugs while she was pregnant, and because of that I have a whole list of medical issues. I was in and out of the hospital having surgeries plus at home I was getting abused by my mother because of my medical issues. She couldn't deal with it so she became a drug addict and I got beat daily until I moved out at 15.

I thought it would get easier when she passed away in April but I think it made my PTSD worse

You're not alone and u can message me anytime u need to chat :)

 

[Imiha]

I would be very surprised if you would be diagnosed PTSD from getting ill for 1 night when you were 6 months old (esp as it's common for babies to be ill / cranky after getting overtired, overstimulated, given strange food their body cannot digest yet, etc./ virtually all babies have this happen several dozen times over... Makes it highly unlikely abuse was the source), or from moving internationally at 2. Which is something tens of millions of children do year in and out all over the world. Meaning both are very well within the normal range of human experience.

Not saying you don't have PTSD... But is there anything in your history that meets Criterion A?

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

For more reading/ detail, on how the word trauma is used colloquially vs clinically (clinically above) here's an older thread which might be helpful.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-is-traumatic-enough-for-ptsd.13846/#post-174204

 

[Jatad]

The thing is, i wasn't JUST sick for one night at 6 months, My parents have little clue as to what actually happened when i was missing. They were doing a project and apparently, i was taken away from where the caretaker was supposed to stay, and brought to a "community" and "passed around". The language barrier, and i can imagine some truth withholding on the caretakers part, prevented my parents from ever knowing exactly what happened. There's a very good possibility i could have been exposed to any or multiple of what you listed but i was 6 months old, hence hopeless to remember, and my parents weren't there and weren't given a "straight answer" as to what happened.

Ever since that day, i have always been irritated my mom said. Always bothered, couldn't ever sit still, i switch positions constantly before and during sleep. I've always had this feeling of impending doom with every decision i make. I had night terrors of witches invading my home and taking my family away when i was younger. maybe the plane ride wasn't a factor, maybe it wasn't.

I should add though, that i did fall out of bed as a baby and hit my head 5 or 6 times.

 

[Uregav]

i too am struggling with those very thoughts , and ive been successful at many things . I too smoke to alleviate the symptoms, and advise you to be careful. The strongest medical grades will eventually make you hazy and cause a range of reactions if you smoke too regular, particularly strains in the 24-28% thc - i have found i dont get as stoned as much i used to , most of the time i dont feel it affects me at all...but it does - even the weakest cannabis will alleviate symptoms and particularly the organic strains.

 

[Pufos]

Jatad ...many people get moved about as babies ...little babies ...i doubt very much that would be a cause of ptsd - abandonment issues possibly but ptsd ? i would get a second opinion as this is a serious illness and not a diagnosis to throw at every bump in the road - it can also at times be a misdiagnosis because what you describe can come from a range of illnesses - i hope you get the support and help you need

 

[Jatad]

Jatad ...many people get moved about as babies ...little babies ...i doubt very much that would be a cause of ptsd - abandonment issues possibly but ptsd ? i would get a second opinion as this is a serious illness and not a diagnosis to throw at every bump in the road - it can also at times be a misdiagnosis because what you describe can come from a range of illnesses - i hope you get the support and help you need

I don't want to argue about this, but I will know for sure what exactly it is when i get to see a counsellor.

What i can say is that my incident at 6 months old is too unknown to see for sure if it is PTSD or if it isnt, but i have carefully gone over several self diagnosis's for "symptoms of PTSD in children as a result of early childhood trauma" (This is what im thinking it is at the moment) I matched with these 90%. And my mom agreed with my conclusion after we both recalled our memory about my childhood. My mother also has similiar anxiety issues as a result of traumatic events she endured as a child, some of which was abuse, which has never been officially diagnosed.

The incident itself was me, a very fair baby with super soft skin and white hair, being apparently "passed around" a Bangledeshi community. I was told They always said when they saw me, ""Etta ki? Etta bacha na, etta putul." which means "What is this? This is not a baby, this is a doll?"

A vast majority of my evidence leads to me to PTSD as a result of early childhood trauma. which is why I ended up here, but as i said before, I will know for sure once I get a proper Therapist. Calling tomorrow.

 

[Oziri]

The thing is that you won't get a proper diagnosis without confirmation of a criterion A stressor. Does this matter? Not really, as you don't need an official diagnosis in order to heal.

You're self diagnosing, and that is VERY dangerous as you don't understand the diagnostic criteria as a doctor does.

I'm sort of appalled that your parents left you with someone who was untrustworthy and passed you around the community. Its gotta feel crappy to know that your parents cared more about saving the world (strangers they didn't know) than ensuring their child was properly cared for.