Unmasking with CPTSD: What happened when you stopped pretending? What surprised you in the process?

[purplevanillaworld]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum.

I’m wondering about what your experience was like when you began to live more authentically with your PTSD?

For clarity, I personally call the process of being honest with yourself and others about your trauma, how it affects you, setting boundaries to protect yourself, advocating for accommodations, etc. “unmasking”, but another here referred to it as “coming out”.

CPTSD has made it difficult to connect authentically. I’ve spent most of my life performing “all good” while quietly unraveling underneath. Peeling away that "I'm fine" mask has been transformative, but it’s also lonely; the people who knew my masked self often struggle with the truer, authentic version of me.

As I’ve started sharing my diagnosis with those closest to me, I think my body/brain are finally starting to trust me again, feeling safe enough to relax, fall apart, and just show up however it needs to.

But in doing this, I’m realizing just how much my body, mind, and spirit have been carrying for decades. Now that I’m finally letting myself rest, the toll of white-knuckling life is really showing up: unexplained illnesses, dissociative episodes, nervous system crashes, and so many strange physical symptoms.

My body simply can’t tolerate what it once did—like socializing, reporting to an office, even going to a busy grocery store. At the same time, I’ve become fiercely protective of my nervous system as it heals. But the isolation and shame of feeling misunderstood can feel overwhelming sometimes.

Can anyone else relate to this?

• The loneliness of living more authentically?
• The strange physical fallout once you stop suppressing?
• The bittersweet freedom of unmasking, even as it costs you certain connections?

I’d love to hear about your healing stories, your “unmasking,” and the symptoms that surprised you once you finally stopped pretending.

Really looking forward to connecting with you all :]

 

[Mach123]

I learned the hard way that this isn’t an issue for me. Nobody needs to know outside medical professionals or the immediate family and not even. Just my wife . Isolation works for me . Maybe in some communities where I lived in the past like Provincetown. Not here in suburbia . Even some medical professionals recoiled, men mostly. Good luck though I hope you have a different experience.

 

[arfie]

my first years out of the psycho closet were fraught with the symptoms you list, but after a few years out of the closet, the freedom has lost its bitterness. the physical fallout now serves as a warning to work my preventative measures. the loneliness has given way to a cherished core who knows all about me --the real me-- and loves me anyway. no masking required.

 

[In the weeds]

Hi @purplevanillaworld
I'm glad you found us. Just reading through some of posts have helped me.

Loneliness is definitely a problem for me. I live very isolated right now. Going to the store is difficult and I order most things to be delivered.

I haven't shared my diagnosis with many people, just my closest friend and my daughter that I live with, who watched me go through my first flashback when I, then 62 yrs old, couldn't get out of my 15 yr old self for two weeks. I became nonverbal and couldn't function and couldn't eat. That's when I got the diagnosis and realized that is a normal response to the way my childhood was.

The physical fall out felt very strange since I'd been so busy putting one foot in front of the other, I'd never processed what a dysfunctional life I'd had.

My doctor had helped me learn how to handle things as the layers of the onion have been peeled away, remembering things I'd long forgotten about. Nowadays, five years later, the flashbacks come suddenly and shake me but never take me down for more than two days or so before I can climb my way back out.

I have lost family along the way, though, and can look back and understand why I made some of the unhealthy decisions I'd made. I try to be kind to myself now. I let the sudden memories roll when I have to but I'm more aware of ways to crawl my way back into the life I have today.

I hope that answers some of your questions.

 

[user56652]

I opened up and it felt like I was wasting my time. I got the old "its over now and you should put it behind you" Spoiler Alert its not behind me when I'm having flashbacks every damn day/