Unprompted apology from a therapist

[grit]

I am just curious about this. I cannot find any literature at all. I know therapy is client based mostly and the client must guide or direct the therapy mostly. However, I am curious to learn about this - having a therapist apologize unprompted to the client. I understand and read a lot about when the client brings an issue to the therapist and therapist realizes ooh yeah that was miss-attunement, they need to apologize and try to build trust again - repair the relationship. But to those of you who have been in therapy long time, I wonder if you ever experienced where the therapist says at the beginning of session (most likely time) that I need to bring up an issue from last session and I think blahahah I was out of line and I want to apologize about that. Something like that. Where even you as client could not recall if the topic in question was an issue at all. We learn a lot about how to repair the therapeutic relationship when the client voices the rupture but not the other way around, at least not so far in my training. Maybe it is something I have not learn in school yet and definitely i have not seen in my personal therapy so far.

If you ever had that type of therapeutic relation with your therapist, I am really curious how that felt for you? and when it happened like how long after you have known each other? I am wondering if this is a higher connection in therapy that I have not reached or it is so unique that it does not happen often. I am quite good bringing discomfort from me but I do not know if the therapist ever feels discomfort from her own input/feedback/approach and have not brought it forward to me (it is possible they take this to their own therapy or supervision). I will ask her next time...in two weeks but I am curious about this and how others experiences it.

In short, did therapist bring up issue to apologize that you did not even remember was an issue from your point view for whatever reason? or has it been always or mostly that you experienced the feeling and brought it up and the therapist then apologized or at least acknowledged how that may have made you feel that way - validate your feeling about the situation.

Hope this makes sense.

Thank you.

 

[Mee]

Yes. Twice this has happened with my therapist.

I can’t remember what it was about the first time, an issue about communication I think.

Second time was something interesting. My therapist and I do a light contact hug on parting ( I asked for this). After one session without thinking she airkissed my cheek. I was not at all upset, recognised it was a slip of the mind and she was deeply apologetic. I had talked about the ‘hoar lipstick’i was wearing that day so I joked about that ( she knew I didn’t think it was hoar lipstick ; someone else had called it that) and left. She started the next session apologising for that and I felt uncomfortable that she thought she needed to and we talked about why I would feel uncomfortable about my right particularly in context of what we talk about and why my discomfort was for her. It was really interesting. I think it’s a really valuable thing to happen in a therapeutic relationship.

 

[Friday]

In short, did therapist bring up issue to apologize that you did not even remember was an issue from your point view for whatever reason?

For sure. As well as issues I remember perfectly well, but were still not issues to me.

Thinking on it... Those examples are probably/possibly the only times there have been apologies in session, on their part. When I’m bringing an issue to the table I’m not looking for an apology. I’m looking for either a solution or better understanding. So whilst they may have apologized? I don’t really remember or care. The important thing to me was either being on the same page, or working out a solution.

 

[grit]

Thanks to both of you. I guess that makes sense. I am learning how to be in relationship consciously and be more aware and it just crossed my mind that I have not experienced where the therapist as another human felt something is off and brought up herself. But then maybe there is nothing on her side to bring up.
As I was reading your comments, I remembered I was writing her cheques to her married name (which shows up in her email) and it took her 6 months to tell me that she goes by her median name which I thought was her middle name. I just remembered that and she only told me that because I told her a story of confusing another person's name.

@Mee - I agree with you that it is good to hear another person own their thing and take the initiative to say so whether they apologize or not just the fact she owned it and you validate your feelings is wonderful.
@Friday I get what you are saying but I may disagree with not looking for an apology. There are times it is warranted to expect apology in relationships..I think your comment not caring about it either way is interesting. IMHO, every feeling in therapy is valid and it is a global way we feel outside and it is good to be aware of. Why would you not care for getting an apology if it is warranted for the situation? this is rhetorical question BTW.

I had a deep connection with my husband this weekend and he brought up few things I forgot myself and I was really touched and it sort of softened me to accept his apology and his openness so this brought back or reminded me something I said in therapy that was really a good thing for me (not childhood but adult decision I made) where my therapist thought was a traumatic thing and I was gosh no!!!! It was opposite of trauma and she looked sheepish so I started to wonder if therapist every brings back an issue and apologies. Interesting.

Thank you again

 

[Friday]

@Friday I get what you are saying but I may disagree with not looking for an apology. There are times it is warranted to expect apology in relationships..I think your comment not caring about it either way is interesting. IMHO, every feeling in therapy is valid and it is a global way we feel outside and it is good to be aware of. Why would you not care for getting an apology if it is warranted for the situation? this is rhetorical question BTW

I’m not sure how it’s a rhetorical question, if you’re disagreeing with what I’m telling you my motives were, and then questioning why I would not care? I’m telling you both my motives, and my bottom line. Sure, that’s not going to be true for everyone, but I’m not speaking for everyone, I’m just speaking for me.

Consider bringing a new project to an employee. Is it important to you that they apologize to you when you bring them the project? Or is it important to you that they are interested/engaged IN the project, get up to speed on it with you, and get working on it? An apology could even be kind of weird, right? But ideally it’s neither weird, nor wanted. Because it’s of no importance.

That’s where I’m coming from. When I’m putting something on the table -unless it’s “You hurt me and I want you to make me feel better”, which I don’t do in professional relationships- I’m not looking for a mea culpa. I’m looking for solutions.

It’s a completely different mindset.

I care about apologies in personal relationships. But in professional relationships I care about getting the job done. Is there some crossover? Sure. Big fan of owning your mistakes, both personally and professionally. ’Mistakes were made, others were blamed’ is something that just pisses me off. But I still care more about enthusiasm & solutions, than admits or apologies, in either or both.

Many people aren’t like that. They’re incapable of moving forward without some form of an apology. Whether it’s simply admitting they made a mistake, or completely abasing themselves and begging for forgiveness, or anywhere in between. Until that condition is met? The future is dead to them. <<< That’s a particularly common side effect of abuse, because it’s what they lived & became normal to them / the world stopping until their abuser is appeased and made happy / there is no future until certain conditions are met >>> It’s one of the things I tend to enjoy, having worked with a few trauma therapists, now... watching them -oh so gently/carefully/as if I were a bomb they’re tracing the leads fo- prod a bit to find out where I am on that spectrum. :hilarious: Since I honestly don’t give a damn about apologies, it helps clear the air. That’s not one of my broken pieces they have to be careful of. Plenty of other things do, just not that one.

 

[Eagle3]

My T is always checking on our relationship in the office. If he noticed I had a reaction to something, or didn't respond the way he expected, he'll apologize very quickly. Usually its him offering apologies first, which is good because I know he's not going to be defensive if I bring up something myself. In other words, I needed to see a pattern of personal and mature responsibility from him before I could even THINK of bringing up issues between us myself. It's because of his pattern of quickly taking responsibility that I was able to bring up a thing he said last session that triggered me badly. We talked it out, he apologized genuinely, and we moved on to have a really great session. If he hadn't set the precedent of being mature about missteps, I would never have been able to have such a productive session where triggers were discussed not as "PTSD flares", but as an indicator that a subject needed attention from him. I guess for me, I need to know that my T is going to be able to handle challenges with grace and maturity before I can bring up an issue between us. Thankfully, such instances are pretty rare.

 

[Justmehere]

Sounds like you have a humble therapist willing to admit when she thinks she made an error, even without you prompting it. Apologies, good ones, are not just about someone saying sorry but indicating a change in direction they want to take. In the right context, this could correct clinical missteps and help build a therapeutic relationship. It could also be that she is responding to some way you presented that caused her to re-think her approach.

I had a therapist apologize once for something that didn't bother me. One time it was non-serious (a muddy walk to the door) and the other time it wasn't important to me... but I was missing the boat on why it should have been important to me. People sometimes apologize in all kinds of relationships, including therapeutic ones. If I don't think it's warranted, I might say so... but most of all, I like people willing to own goof-ups generally, even if I don't agree. There is something safe about that.

 

[grit]

Thanks everyone.
I am taking all response into consideration. I am missing something. My therapist is great but I realized she never brought up an issue which is ok too...maybe nothing to bring up but I am curious...
I did not mean to debate about your feelings @Friday ...I just wondered the comment.

Anyhow, I will think about this a bit more. Maybe I need to sleep on it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am just curious about this. I cannot find any literature at all. I know therapy is client based mostly and the client must guide or direct the therapy mostly. However, I am curious to learn about this - having a therapist apologize unprompted to the client. I understand and read a lot about when the client brings an issue to the therapist and therapist realizes ooh yeah that was miss-attunement, they need to apologize and try to build trust again - repair the relationship. But to those of you who have been in therapy long time, I wonder if you ever experienced where the therapist says at the beginning of session (most likely time) that I need to bring up an issue from last session and I think blahahah I was out of line and I want to apologize about that. Something like that. Where even you as client could not recall if the topic in question was an issue at all. We learn a lot about how to repair the therapeutic relationship when the client voices the rupture but not the other way around, at least not so far in my training. Maybe it is something I have not learn in school yet and definitely i have not seen in my personal therapy so far.

If you ever had that type of therapeutic relation with your therapist, I am really curious how that felt for you? and when it happened like how long after you have known each other? I am wondering if this is a higher connection in therapy that I have not reached or it is so unique that it does not happen often. I am quite good bringing discomfort from me but I do not know if the therapist ever feels discomfort from her own input/feedback/approach and have not brought it forward to me (it is possible they take this to their own therapy or supervision). I will ask her next time...in two weeks but I am curious about this and how others experiences it.

In short, did therapist bring up issue to apologize that you did not even remember was an issue from your point view for whatever reason? or has it been always or mostly that you experienced the feeling and brought it up and the therapist then apologized or at least acknowledged how that may have made you feel that way - validate your feeling about the situation.

Hope this makes sense.

Thank you.

I brought the issue up....she said she understood and my concern was a fair one....got apology....she did it again....and again....so apology didn't hole water after a while....that's just me though.

 

[Skywatcher]

Mine freely admits to when she makes mistakes or poor judgement in our conversation or in sessions. She is a relational style therapist so I’m thinking that is just part of the program... being human.

 

[Justmehere]

but I realized she never brought up an issue which is ok too...maybe nothing to bring up but I am curious...

So why not you bring it up?

 

[grit]

I had a dream last night where my least functional sibling said I am on revenge with a cousin who grew up with us!. Then I said oooh wait it is great psychologically to become aware of feelings if revenge and not act on it.
Then the next dream, I supposed to go to dinner at another sibling's house but I waited a call. So I knew the dinner plan but yet I was waiting for a call. Finally my dead Dad called and asked if I was coming for the dinner. I came and saw dissappoiment in my sibling's eyes and face. Food was all out on the table. I felt so guilty for being late and making everyone waited.


Third dream, even more awkward. I was in company of four Chinese women and one bf or husband and I supposed to have orgy but no one was initiating. It was starting to feel really annoying and embarrassing.
I told the guy I was in it for him and he was really surprised and seemed so sheepish!
I was waiting the orgy to start ....then woke up.
I feel my wait for apology from probably my mother (is transferred) to my therapist. The revenge was interesting...I like to think I am above that but maybe I do harbor some revenge against my mother and it may played out in my marriage....maybe the whole jealousy thing (another post) was a form of control and punishment (transferred) to my husband.
Maybe I am acting out these feelings and becoming aware of them now.

There are a lot of layers so I may revisit again.