Unsatisfying Friendships And Ptsd

[TeaLeaf]

My PTSD is much less severe at this point in my life and I am looking back at the past and to some extent the present and realizing that my mental state contributed to the types of friends I had and have. I feel like I got taken advantage of to some degree and mostly I formed friendships with people that like to lead/control things and they liked having a follower I guess. I guess I didn't feel really worthy of friendship and so I just went with it.

The last few months I am doing much better and I have realized some people that have been my main friends don't care as much about me as I thought. Even shared interests, it seems that if I come up with an idea for an activity, even if its something they have said they wanted to do, it doesn't work with their schedule or they can't make it for various reasons even if there is flexibility on timing. I get that plans can't always work out but it's a strong pattern and I am sick of it because it seems like it's only a good idea if they plan it. I guess it makes me sad to feel like I am not an equal partner in the friendship.

Yes, I know that I can make more friends and have more authentic and strong connections and at the same time I have a lot of grief about this. It's not really something I feel I can approach these people about because there's always an excuse why they couldn't do a,b,c,d,e and pointing out the pattern puts me in a vulnerable position and do I really want to be vulnerable with friends like this?

I feel sad that people seemed to be so happy with being friends with someone who felt unworthy, depressed and was passive but they don't seem to like the secure, happy and assertive person I am now as much. Has anyone else had this experience?

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[Deleted member 12723]

I sure have. I have had to weed so many unhealthy people out of my life. For so many years I was not good at asserting myself and setting boundries and limits.

I only have a few good friends and sometimes we go out and do things. They accept me as I am.

I call it outgrowing people, what you are experiencing and it is a painful and confusing time.

You are getting healthier and the people you are outgrowing because of your growing awareness of your needs everything is changing for you.

I think you expressed yourself quite well.

One thing I learned was to fade people out of my life because they were not healthy enough to even discuss what was going on.

I have common sense now which I did not have before. When I first started therapy it was so hard because of what I was learning about myself.

You are doing the best you can. if I was you, I would just quit asking your friends to go out with you and find some healthier people who want to go out with you and do fun stuff.

I sure can relate to what you said that you are going through.

You need people who can accept you the way you are. I wish you the best in this process. It is a very lonely experience to go through. I so understand. Hugs.

 

[silkleaves]

Oh absolutely... I actually just posted about one such relationship. Over the year or so, after I started therapy, I actively started cutting people out of my life who were like this. I make myself sick thinking about how easy I made it for people to use me to their advantage...and it was disheartening to see how many people I considered good friends, were actually no friend at all.

And even now, I'm still seeing it in people who I kept in my life who shouldn't be there. It's not easy...it's still within me to prove my worth and value as a friend, it's still in me that awe that anyone even wants to be my friend, that it's hard to let go of people who are using that to their advantage.

So yeah, on one level I'm totally aware of it, and on another level, there are certain people who I just *can't see it* because they are such a good friend! Not until I'm lopped upside the head with how badly they are really treating me that I realize what's going on. Until then, I feel like its me...that I just need to try harder, that I just need to be there for them, that when they have time they will be there for me too..eventually.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Gizmo- yes, I agree it is outgrowing people, you said it really well when you talked about growing awareness for my own personal needs.
silkleaves-thanks for your kind words, yes, I understand that "awe that anyone even wants to be my friend", thanks for understanding.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

To quote a song, "...all in all, they're just bricks in the wall....". Someone very sensible told me that I attract sickos on my social network and then I started dumping quite a few of them who don't seem to give a **** whether I live or died. I have been clearing out my Facebook account after what happened this weekend and it's been just a great thing to do. Cleaning is cleansing-you need to start throwing out things, including people, sadly enough, that aren't worth having any longer.

 

[BlueOcean]

TeaLeaf you are doing an incredible job!!!

For me emotionally it was difficult to accept the trend I had where I was only befriending people who were just like my abusive relatives. I went through a period of thinking I should have seen it, but as I look back I realize I couldn't see it because I hadn't the clarity I have now. Healing is in steps. I sometimes try to jump to what I imagine would be an 'end point'.

Again, TeaLeaf you have great discernment! Regarding what you should do about approaching the people, I agree with Gizmo. Just quit asking the people to go out.
I found that most of the time, if I just quit talking to people who aren't healthy for me, they just vanish. I never hear from them again.

So, it really shows how much they actually cared in the 1st place.

Gizmo, I love your reply to TeaLeaf. I can totally relate to 'outgrowing people'.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks so much for starting this thread. I have had to do the same, eliminate a LOT of relationships. A lot of people just would not listen to me. After learning how to better articulate my needs, I made some boundaries with some very damaged people.
1. are they addicts?
2. are they liars?
3. do they have problems processing empathy?

This pretty much wiped out most of the relationships in my life. But anywho, the quality of my life is just so much better.