Unsure Of My Thoughts. Sickening Guilt.

[Anna-84]

Hi,

I'm new on here. I was attacked about 8 years ago and have been going through therapy on and off for a few years. I'm due to start again next week. But how do you explain your feelings or thoughts when you don't understand them yourself? During the attack I tried to convince myself that it wasnt that bad, it was ok that I wanted it. I didn't want it and I made that clear. However when I realised I had no choice I think I tried my hardest to make myself think that I wanted it. Now, even years later this makes me feel physically sick. How could I do that? I feel so guilty and so confused. Does anyone understand this?

 

[Jen93]

I'm in the same position at the moment. My teacher was emotionally and physically abusive, and thinking of it makes me nauseous and I have tons of bad thoughts about it. I couldn't voice this for a long time, until finally I did what I do best. I wrote.

What I did was I wrote a letter to my therapist outlining the trauma, and then I put stuff like "(this makes me feel sick)" in brackets, that way, she knows what happened, knows how I feel, but then we just need to work on verbalizing it.

For me, it's easier to say things on paper- and then, with the paper handy, the T. can sort of guide you with questions, and it's easier to talk when you feel as if someone is listening.

I hope you can get this out to your T in a way that feels safe and comfortable to you. It's important that you recognize it and explain it in such a way that you are able to come to a clear understanding, and not the muddled up understanding you now have. (I'm going through the same thing. It's okay.)

Best of luck,
Jen

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Anna, I know that confusion and guilt all too well. You asked, "how do you explain your feelings or thoughts when you don't understand them yourself?". You don't have to understand them yet. The most important part is to just get it out for now. I, too, struggled with thoughts that I must have wanted it, and dealing with the shame was unbearable. The day I finally told my therapist I was convinced I must have "wanted it" was immensely difficult. But, what that did was bring it into the open, which allows either of us to reference it, and the feelings that surround it (guilt, shame, confusion), when they affect me. Even though you can't understand it now, just get the words out, and allow your therapist to help you come to your own understanding in your own time.

 

[Anna-84]

Dear Jen and Millenia,

Thank you so much for your replies. I think they've helped me a lot and I'm going to try and just jump in feet first and tell my therapist so that I can start to move on.

Anna