Unveiling The Pain

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I just really need to journal some and think things through. If anyone has insight, please feel free to respond... I have another appointment Tuesday with my Therapist. We just had one Friday, but she is going to be out of town this Friday so we are doing it Tuesday. Then I will have to wait a week and a half to see her. The past 2 days with my mom here has been very triggering for me and I've dissociated ALOT. I know I probably need to talk to my T about the issues with my mom, but for some reason I don't want to. Part of it is we have been doing some good work and i don't want the whole session to end up about her. But I also think its something more. This time with my mom has been exceptionally hard, more than previous times, and she will be moving up here with me and my dad as soon as she can get a job. I think I am afraid that if we talk about her, it will be a REALLY hard session and 1)I don't want to have a really hard session when I know it will be a week and a half before seeing my T again and 2) This would be the first time talking about something hard that is happening now with my new T and I'm almost afraid of how I'll act with everything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to let my defenses that much. I really like my T and I think she cares even more than my last T, but I just don't know if I'm ready. I mean she knows my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder and is very intuitive about how I was raised, so this won't surprise her. Ugh, I may just end up telling her I want to tell her what happened this weekend, but that I don't want to spend the whole session talking about my mom… maybe that will work?

 

[Echo]

@FindingMyself88 - I have just read your diary and I want to tell you what a remarkable woman you are and how brave you are to write here. What happened with Greyson made my cry, and I am so glad you can make a connection with him again through drawing and visualisation. I love your career plan. I know someone who works with equine-guided therapy for children with learning difficulties, and it is a beautiful thing and very healing. The rapport with the horses is amazing. I hope you can make this happen soon and build a new life for yourself around it.

Hugs from me, Echo

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you so much for the kind words @Echo :hug:. Missing Greyson is something that I do everyday, but I hope to one day be reunited with him. That is really neat about your friend. I also volunteer at a therapeutic riding barn that focuses on physical and mental handicaps. They also do a horse class for kids who've been traumatized as well. Sadly, I haven't been able to volunteer in several months due to health and PTSD symptoms worsening, but I hope to start back soon!

Thank you again :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I did talk with my therapist about this weekend with my mom, and it helped even though it was hard. She praised me for the boundaries I did set (not allowing my mom or stepdad to look at my new art journal). I can't believe it happened, but I almost let down my wall with her, even if just for a moment. I almost let some of my sadness come out, but then the wall shot back up. But I think my therapist saw it. She didn't push me. Instead she gently asked if she could see some of my paintings, only what I wanted to show her. So I did, and we talked about them and what they meant. She noticed colors are important to me.

So she had me try a new meditation, focusing on my most favorite color- sky blue. She talked me through it, imagining the color and what it represented.. peace and healing for me, and imagine it wrapping itself protectively around me…it is MY color. It loves me and I love it….

I struggled with the meditation and she could tell, but she wants me to work on it. She said this is my "grounding skill" this week. She is so sensitive to my feelings, I am so thankful I found her.

Talking about the paintings, I have TRULY found what works for me. Journaling is hard for me as far as releasing my feelings. But painting is easier, it kind of helps me climb those walls that are built up. I've done 5 in two days and am working on 2 more today. Only 2 were realistic, the others are purely abstract and portray my feelings. So my art has now become my journal! I may post some of them as time goes on!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Here is one I would like to share..

The Flower drawing represents my "color" (see above post) with the sky blue background. The Flower represents me. I see Flowers as being resilient, but also fragile. They must be taken care of and nurtured or they wilt…. much like us. Also I remember a biology professor of mine saying that flowers always turn towards the light, thus the reason why they're more petals towards the blue and are spreading out, towards my color. I think overall this represents the meditation that my therapist was trying to do with me today, maybe I will use it when I try meditating.