Sexual Assault Update On Muru - Living Despite Of The Sexual Abuse?

[RussH]

those are some very good rules, and not selfish in anyway
Safety is not being selfish, it is being safe

 

[Friday]

Safety is not being selfish, it is being safe

^^^^
This.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for all the encouragement guys *safe hugs*
Over the week I spent in Finland with my family I succeeded in keeping the rules for some of the time, and failed other times.

My visit to my parents was full of mixed feelings, and now that I'm back I'm feeling worse by the minute ;( And I feel like Ash, my therapist and probably most of you are thinking " I knew it, this was a bad idea, you should not have gone" And I feel there's nothing for it but to suffer in silence as I brought this on myself for not listening the advice to not go.

I know Ash loves me and wants me to be okay but I think that may not happen. Supposedly it's a good thing to voice thoughts and feelings before they get too hard to live with, but I don't really understand the point of it. As you must know, no one can do anything about them, especially if I decide to act on what I think is right and not what Ash or my therapist says I should do.

I don't think I'm ever going to stop seeing my family.. They expect me to visit every 3-4 months and there's usually a reason for me to go..like Christmas now, and my brother-in-law has a big birthday party at the end of March so they expect that's when my next visit is. If after each visit I'm left feeling awful and end up going backwards in my "recovery", I don't know anymore what the point of therapy / "trying to get better" was.

I can't really see a way out of this situation without hurting anyone in the process, and the only person Im willing to hurt is me. And I do understand it may not be possible for people that love me to watch me do that... So I'm back to square one :-/ If I don't go I'll hurt my family and myself for having to deprive myself from seeing people and country that I love. If I go I hurt Ash and anyone who cares about me here in England and hates to see me so unwell every time I come back from Finland. If I put a stop to this all and make sure I'm successful in ending my life I'll hurt EVERYONE, but only once..not repeatedly like the other two options. I'm at crossroads and feel really vulnerable, And there's NOTHING anyone can do about this ;( I just have to somehow make up my mind.

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

If I put a stop to this all and make sure I'm successful in ending my life I'll hurt EVERYONE, but only once..not repeatedly like the other two options.

I would spend a bit of time looking at whether your thoughts on this are an accurate reflection of the people who care about you. Do you honestly think that it would just effect them in a brief one-off kind of way. Do you not think that is something they won't live with for the rest of their lives, every day of their lives? That every anniversary, Christmas, birthday that passes won't be darkened by it for them? I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but just to point out that if that is your reasoning for it, then your reasoning is lying to you. There are many sad stories on here of people whose lives have been so effected by the suicides of others. It is the source of trauma for some people on here. I'm sure they would disagree about only being hurt 'once' by it.
Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but the reality of the impact of suicide on other people's life is not that they get over it and can put it behind them.
My thoughts frequently turn to suicide, and I find it very hard to understand or comprehend why people value my life, and why people would be so hurt by my taking it, but I have to accept that they do and they would. Allowing yourself to pretend otherwise is lying to yourself.
It is very hard to stay in this life at times when it can be so very painful, and removing suicide as an option often leaves me feeling trapped, but I truly believe that suicide is not an end to pain, it is pain passed on to others. It is not my place to tell you what to do or not to do, you are an adult, and the choices you make about your life are your own, but I would strongly encourage you to read up, or ask questions, on how suicide affects those left behind.

I don't think I'm ever going to stop seeing my family.. They expect me to visit every 3-4 months and there's usually a reason for me to go..like Christmas now, and my brother-in-law has a big birthday party at the end of March so they expect that's when my next visit is. If after each visit I'm left feeling awful and end up going backwards in my "recovery", I don't know anymore what the point of therapy / "trying to get better" was.

Not wanting to completely stop seeing your family is understandable. It is something many of us try to find a balance with, myself included. And yes, often it causes me to slip backwards in my progress for a while. The point of therapy, as you ask, I would say is to keep learning better skills to cope with the choices we make about our own lives...

I succeeded in keeping the rules for some of the time, and failed other times.

...perhaps with continued therapy and support, the next time you might be able to keep your boundaries for a little longer, or come up with new boundaries/rules based on what went wrong this time. Don't write yourself off because you didn't instantly get it right first time. Take some pride in knowing that you tried and, when you've given yourself a bit of time to breathe, look, with your therapist, or share here, what you think went wrong this time, so that you can come up with strategies of how you might deal with these things if they come up again.

I'm sorry if the tone of this post is not coming across well, you have come so far Muru and it makes me sad to see you being so hard on yourself and only seeing the failings, when actually you did something that took a lot of strength and bravery. I don't want to see you give up. xxx

 

[bluebird]

Muru, darling, I am glad you were brave enough to write this. Please, listen to @digger 's words, for there is wisdom and great encouragement for you... I understand the way you are feeling; it's really tough choice and every single decision you make seems to have so many contras.

I think I can somehow understand Ash in these issues... My beloved boyfriend, Sean, was repeatedly hurt in a similar way as you were by his older brother, as a small child. He keeps visiting his family, including his brother. And although it crashes my heart, I keep supporting him, if this is what he wants. I understand he loves other members of his family, especially his sister, and that he doesn't want to stop seeing them. I am afraid, that it will hurt him really badly, of course I am. But when we are together, I can see him smiling again, we can go to see a movie, play with my younger brothers, we can cook and eat meals together, we can just walk and walk around the city and I know, that every day I spend with him is a gift to me. I love him. I want to be here for him. I need him. I think that no matter how horribly we both feel from time to time (or almost all the time, it may seems on some days), there are still things worth living for. There is love, which no one can steal away from us. I think you have something to live for; although I really do understand how impossible it seems to be found on some days. I believe that Ash is very happy man to be with such a gentle, good and brave woman, whose name is Muru and whom we all love and need in our lives, for her fight is a great one and somehow, you give me so much hope and courage and inspiration, dear Muru... More than you can even imagine.

You are in my thoughs, dear Muru. ♡

 

[Friday]

Thank you for all the encouragement guys *safe hugs*
Over the week I spent in Finland with my family I succeeded in keeping the rules for some of the time, and failed other times.

My visit to my parents was full of mixed feelings, and now that I'm back I'm feeling worse by the minute ;( And I feel like Ash, my therapist and probably most of you are thinking " I knew it, this was a bad idea, you should not have gone" And I feel there's nothing for it but to suffer in silence as I brought this on myself for not listening the advice to not go.

Nope. I think that you're very brave.

Also, that all hard things take practice. Progress, not perfection, being the goal. Figuring out what works, and what doesn't work, and why. Learning. Adapting.

If I put a stop to this all and make sure I'm successful in ending my life I'll hurt EVERYONE, but only once..not repeatedly like the other two options.

No. Losing someone you love with your whole heart doesn't hurt once. It hurts all day, all night, every day, forever. It's the most painful thing imaginable. Every waking moment. Sleep and relive it. Wake and relive it again. Every day that you're gone in a gaping loss. And as the years go by it's imagining what you'd be doing now? And now? And it's crying until your eyes bleed, and your teeth break. Because the best part of you dies with them.

And there's NOTHING anyone can do about this ;( I just have to somehow make up my mind.
<3: Muru

You are doing it. You're trying different compromises. Setting up boundaries. Figuring out what works and what doesn't work, for you and for the people you love. That takes trial, and error, and time. It won't be perfect overnight. It will take work to get to a place where you are strong and happy and confidant in your actions.

 

[Lucycat]

@Muruluisku You have done really well. You faced up to a challenge, one made all the harder when you don't feel everyone is on 'your side'. You have not failed at all. OK so some of the boundaries were crossed. I don't suppose there are many people at all who feel like the entire Festive period went exactly as they planned or wanted. That is not a failure - just different.

I am sorry that it has left you so sad, but I suspect that it will get easier. If you choose to remain in contact then you will be learning all the time what makes it harder and what makes it easier - even by just a little change. None of can judge your decisions. I would not want to, they are a part of your life. As Digger said, you are being very hard on yourself. I hope you will start to feel better soon, and even look back on the holiday with some fond memories.