only a short time, but when I started I went in with a hold nothing back mindset, and that is still the case. In fact that mindset contributed to flashbacks and such returning. Right now there are things I am dealing with that in the past would have put me in hospital, and I am not coping with that which I could not before. I could not even talk about anything before, could not trust. At php I came to a decision I did not want to be stuck like things are, and so I decided to let the walls down and not hold anything back. And that is the relation I have now with my T. In the past I would not have benefited from DBT as much, because elements of DBT require one to let go of some behaviors and do some behaviors (like distress tolerance), even the distress tolerance was a problem, it took my hospitalization at SP TDU to get me to let go of my hypervigilance and allow distress tolerance at all.
So basically I am doing what MDMA is supposed to enable. If things had happened differently MDMA may have been a new chance of hope for me. But I am doing what MDMA results in, but that started with a desire to get better, and change things, or not live at all as the alternative. And that last bit is still the same, my T and others know my view on it. But I have been up front about that. And they respect that. As long as I keep trying were all ok, if I give up, well they likely will be concerned about my safety.
As my therapist said it the other day, in the past I was not ready, now I am ready. And she is right.
Maybe if I was not ready to open mind to my T's as I do now, MDMA might be helpful. But I have opened my mind, without the B/S as I know avoidance only keeps me hurting.
The fact is in a very short time, I have come from being completely closed off, not able to risk a potential relationship of trust, and a ton of avoidance mechanisms which were even problematic when I was in the hospital recently.
IN a short time, I have moved from that above, to being able to use distress tolerance daily, and not using most of my past avoidance mechanisms.
Now I believe my case is an exception, that came by a set of circumstances. And a decision to let go of my walls I have maintained over the years. It's hard for anyone to do this or even think about starting with blind trust as I have to begin healing.
Now I can say I still feel like crap most of the time, but I felt that way before, so the difference is I have a chance to get better. I don't know if I will get better enough to change my outlook on life, but I am trying to give it a chance. If I don't get better enough at some point there may be an issue as I said before, I don't want to exist if I can't get better. Right now I am focusing on getting better, and not holding back anything.