Using Mdma Against Ptsd

[Friday]

but if one really wants to get better, they can make a choice as hard as it may be to not hold anything back.

I'm durn near compulsively honest. Correction. I get compulsively honest. It comes and goes. Most of the time I can lie, I just prefer not to. That doesn't actually make talking about shit any easier. As in I cannot physically make myself talk about certain things. The more I try, the more my entire body rebels. Puking, shaking, panic attacks, completely blanked mind, all on top of some rather spectacular SI, and other fun adventures in the land of seriously out of my goddamned mind. About the only -consistent- end run I've ever figured out around this is to piss me off to the point that I'm nose to nose shouting about it, and about a molecule away from breaking someone's nose rather than shout about it. Vexing. Infuriating. I hate it. And it's honestly not that easy to get me that mad, either, to where I'm just raw as f*ck and all my walls are down. Including the ones that mind my bearing. Not when I've spent 15 some odd years keeping a fawking short as hell leash on my temper.

That's some of the bullshit MDMA just waltzes past like a spring breeze through a screen door. Which I know, because I've taken it. Highly effective babble juice. Which is also why I won't be taking it therapeutically. (AKA Friday is a Moron). My mind is my own, dammit, and I set the mission for myself to be able to talk about what I want, when I want, as I want ...some time ago. Mastering my own mind will happen, or I'll die trying. Period.

If I hadn't gotten stubborn about this years ago, I'd maybe be on board. Then again, #TrustIssues, so who knows, really. As it is? I've lost too many people I care about to suicide and death wishes granted not to be over the moon at anything that can seriously help. Cutting years off treatment? Walzting past Fort Knox defenses? Hell yeah.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Most of the time I can lie, I just prefer not to. That doesn't actually make talking about shit any easier. As in I cannot physically make myself talk about certain things.

@Friday I am with you on this, I had the same problem, before I was admitted to SP TDU I was stuck between wanting to be open and get better, but often unable to, and thus often UNSAFE, I could have easily been D/C from SP that way, except for an incident where I had an emotional flashback, which got my status changed to AO, which in turn forced me to radically accept something where the control was taken out of my hands, and thus it forced me to have to use distress tolerance to get off of A0 status, which I would have remained on if I had not used distress tolerance, so in many ways luck was on my side, that that event happened. As if that event had not happened I would have been D/C having learned some new skills to deal with FB but not much in the way of skills to make me better.

Once I had used distress tolerance to cope with half of a week at SP it became easier for me to employ distress tolerance after D/C, while it hurts sometimes when I use it, I am able to take that risk where before I would never cross that line and go outside my enforced hypervigilant comfort zone.

I hated that half a week I was on A0 status, but looking back I am glad it happened. It opened the door to the two things my hypervigilance would not allow, going outside of my comfort zone which requires distress tolerance, and radical acceptance. Both were impossible to do before that event.

I feel like crap a lot, working on stuff hurts, but I am working on stuff, and I can only hope someday I will be much better off. Of course it also has to be that way, because all those working with me know that if my life stays like it has been I would prefer to be dead. So I have to try to get better, because if I give up or stop trying those working with me might have me committed know that.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you all for the replies! It is amazing that so many are helping me.

Does anyone know someone that...

I think that's a really important point, it's helping the therapist but... What is the possibility of negative side effects of the mdma, short term and long term. I don't quite understand, I think many people are not made to be therapists if so many people struggle to be completely honest with them.

 

[Hope69]

I can say I have been brutally honest in therapy. The last round of serious symptoms took 5 years of excruciating pain. 5 years I slogged through my pain without meds. Why? because the meds did nothing to help. So , no, I wouldn't say medication of any kind is only for people not willing to be honest. I spoke my mind, felt my pain, but had no control over how my body reacted (which was intense anxiety and depression...) nor the speed at which my system was able to regulate itself. I was not depressed because of dishonesty, but because my body was simply unable to regulate itself. I got through it and lived fairly symptom free for 5 years until a series of events and chronic stress retriggered the body shutdown.
I don't think anything is a miracle cure. Biologically, MDMA subdues the amygdala, thus subduing our involuntary fight or flight response. It enhances the release of oxytocin and serotonin, promoting positive feelings. And in that state, addressing pain and trauma gives us a window where our involuntary neurological reactions are less present. Anti depressants and anti anxiety drugs are supposed to help us cope while we address our issues, but they don't always help. Being honest is always necessary to address pain, but I suspect one has a better chance of reprocessing it when the body is not going in to shock.
That said, I have never tried it, but I doubt anyone who has gone through the therapy would say they were suffering because of unwillingness to be honest and feel pain. PTSD is painful, period, and people get stuck. Or rather, our body is intensely wired and it takes great effort to rewire it. If it were accesable here, I would try it. For now I practice mindfulness, grounding, self care, and do EMDR with a therapist. Its slow going. But I'm going

 

[EmmaOwl]

@Allie D. Its nice to know some besides myself is working on getting bett...

Ugh. The dreaded mixed state. I'm Bipolar II and I am no stranger to the special hell of mania and depression colliding. :( I'm sorry you suffer from that, too.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Ugh. The dreaded mixed state. I'm Bipolar II and I am no stranger to the special hell of mania and dep...

@Allie D. I was diagnosed cyclothymic and fit that diagnoses well until recently, a percentage of cyclothymiacs do eventually become full bi-polar. I am obviously one of them. I have had two major episodes this year. During the last one while I was at SP TDU they re-diagnosed me as BI-POLAR I with mixed features. They had the chance to observe the rise and switch firsthand.