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General Vacation

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Hi @grimalkin. Yeah that doesn't sound like a vacation to me. However, it does sound like untreated PTSD. Sorry you felt that way.

J is a few years into his therapy and still had a couple of meltdowns on our last trip. So this time No restaurants. Picnics and BBQs solo. No hotels. Base camp is at my cousins on 40 acres, nice and secluded. No activities. Just sightseeing, hikes, bike rides, swimming...

There are things HE HAS to do for this trip and he's procrastinating. The list is on the fridge that's all I can do. He better get it together. Ahhhh!!! :)

I'm hoping and praying your Vet (and the countless others) can find it in himself to get the help he needs.

✌ and enjoy your 4th of July holiday!
 
Pre-planned stuff sounds like an excellent idea! My SO and I roadtripped across a handful of states a while back and a few things that helped were that I drove the majority, I had plenty of snacks/drinks handy, and that I had things to stop and do every few hours. A schedule of sorts seemed like it may have put too much pressure on him/us, so instead, I just had one or two things listed for every stop that we might want to do, but didn't feel like we had to. (Majority of them were outside things like parks with trails or a picnic, which he seemed to enjoy and were generally not crowded with people.) Also, he DJed, so it kept him a bit distracted. Also checked apple maps frequently to check for accidents or road closures and alternate routes to avoid any massive traffic jams which can cause things to get antsy for him.
 
Two melt downs but they weren't while in the car. It was more of a lashing out on his part than a "melt down" per se, but we spent every minute of 12 days straight with each other so it could have been a lot worse, I think. One thing I forgot that I had wish we had done beforehand was a budget for the trip and/or set expectations for spending.
 
Thanks @tiredtexan for the great advice. The one thing I worry about is getting lost...

I'm still recovering from our 10 day Hawaii trip. He ruined it again. I spent a year planning everything which included 2 islands and 7 additional family members. He treated me like crap the minute we left until we officially got home. He slammed doors in the hotel, call me a fu*ker in the lobby and refused to watch our son so I could help my 90 year old mother during shopping trips. He insulted me too many times to count including a rant in front of my 7 year old son. Part of the rant was he only acted like this because he hates me so much and I am the reason for his behavior. My mother said my 7 year old was better behaved than my husband. He refuses any medication or therapy. When we got home he acted like nothing happened and asked about when we were going to Las Vegas. I told him that I'm going but he would never ever be going on a trip with me ever.
 
There are some vacations I'll do with my vet, and some I do without him. With him we do things in the middle of nowhere, and have lots of down time. Trips with lots of crowds in touristy areas I do with my kids, sister, or girlfriends. I pick my battles, because I'm not missing out on things I want to see or do because he'll have a melt down.
 
@Susan C.: Welcome to the boards. Maybe you would like to register and chat with us. I found it to be extremely helpful.

How does your guy act when not on a trip? Does this bring out the worst in him so to speak? Does he struggle with crowd maybe in the airport or shopping centre or tourist attraction or another place you want to go?

@everybody planing a trip. Maybe some good for thoughts. There are some guys, who are pretty difficult to read. I am with a guy who dislikes crowds. He typically is not one to get loud, but instead he often cancelled something with a flimsy excuse and when I got angry he gave me a stoneface and sometimes some kind of "What is wrong with you? You are angry just because you have been looking forward for this for weeksand spend hours planing and I cancelled it with such a paltry excuse? Clearly it is that time of the month again. Women and their emotions".

Back then I did not know that this stone face sometimes is the expression of deepest sadness, sometimes of anger while other times just his default face. I just realized when we had an argument and then he had a tear running down his face and then some other tears. While he looked bored. Then I realized that it was his keeping it together face, because he does not want to appear sad or scared, he does not want to cry in front of other people, which in this case happened anyway.

Years ago my guy was feeling suicidal. He felt he could not cope with crowds and he could not reach out and talk about how bad it was. At this time I knew he had problems with crowds but I had no idea just how bad it was and I wish I knew I would have acted very different.

Everybody out there who is feeling like this. Please reach out. There is no need to be ashamed. You are not alone. There are many men, many very manly men, going through this. There is the real possibility you might get better, my husband got so much better. Some days his fear of crowds is nearly gone and every day it is so much better than it used to be. Some people even get 100 percent better. I am sure one day my guy will be one of those. His feeling suicidal is competly gone. At least I hope so. He promised to tell me if it came back.

Please share with your spouse, with your loved ones, how you are doing, so they can adapt. You don't have to be very wordsy, my guy is never very wordsy about this and that's mega okay. If you feel you cannot talk just write a letter, does not have to be a very long letter, you are not running for the Pulitzer prices. Just a quick update on how you feel or a letter saying you need to talk but it is difficult to write about what "so please, spouse, just ask" are okay.

@spouses: I realized that it is not good to push my guy to do certain things. So we often visit family members for holidays and sometimes it just means, he stays in his room and plays video games while I do all the "going out" stuff with the family and sometimes he comes... both is okay!

Please keep in mind he may feel a lot worse then he admits or you can see from his face. He is not trying to be mean, at least in most cases. I know that it is. annoying. I tell you what I found helpful. I ask him if it is bad and we got "codenumbers" for how bad it is and when he says 9 or 10 I understand it is very bad and don't ask him and when he says 4 I knowing is not that bad and I can try to push him a bit.
 
Hi guys. Well we're back from vacation and it didn't go according to "plan". Lol

We did have a great time. The weather was great and the scenery was incredible.

He did really great in the mornings (surprise, surprise) and we had alot of fun on our adventures out and about but.....

When we were traveling back to camp a couple of times he had some major meltdowns. I think when he is hypervigalant for most of the day (which I'm sure he was) when he finally is in a safe place he just let's go of all the stress. And 9 out of 10 times it's directed at me.

A couple of things that he said I still can't forget.
" I'm talking to myself @leehalf, because I don't like to talk to anyone else".
" I'm not getting any better. Sometimes I think I'm getting worse".
I'm not sure how to address these comments. I feel bad for him. He has been trying so hard for so long he deserves a little peace.

So a question I have is (I mentioned it in another thread about hypervigalance).
Can hypervigalance be a trigger? I know it's a symptom but I feel when he is in that mode for while and he can finally relax sometimes all hell breaks loose.

For the most part it was a great time. We were able to go at our own pace and do our own thing. We saw all of the landmarks so next time we can go and just relax. Lol

Thanks again for all of your feedback. I really appreciate it!

And how was your week? :)
 
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