Various Levels Of Dissociation? Is This Progress?

[NightSky]

After six months of therapy I'm discovering how dissociated I usually am. When triggered, I usually experience days of fog, feeling far away, etc. And I generally operate out of a slight dissociated state on a regular basis. I'm never quite present and I have a racing mind. Two weeks ago I was triggered in the presence of a group of friends and I did not dissociate or shut down at all. I waited for the tunnel vision, and nothing.. I left them and became very emotional and fought a lot of self-harm urges. For the rest of the week I was quite emotional whereas usually I am not in touch with emotions and never express them. I felt extremely vulnerable, as if my number one coping mechanism abandoned me. I don't WANT to be dissociated. But it feels safe.
The following week, it felt as if what had always been tunnel vision opened up and I could "see" fully, and be present fully. My racing mind stopped. As in, I'm doing laundry and just thinking about doing laundry. I've never experienced this. I believe it's progress. The only thing is, I feel completely numb. Not dissociated per se but I have zero feelings. I have developed a strong attachment to my therapist and usually need to feel some connection mid-week to keep things going with her, and I feel no need to connect with her like I usually do. She canceled our session and normally that would be very hard but it didn't bother me. She texted to check on me and I would usually be enormously grateful but I didn't feel like I needed it. I'm wondering if this is my body or brain's way of shutting off because it feels so vulnerable? Has anyone experienced anything like this?

 

[Klo]

Two steps forward, one step back, is still progress.

 

[Sideways]

Every now and then, I tell my T that I've got that numb thing going on. He's got enough experience under his belt to get it.

But occasionally (& quite irritatingly), he responds with, "Are you numb, or are you just experiencing what it's like to not be totally overwhelmed by your emotions?"

Frustrating thing to hear, but dang, could be one of those situations where it's a bit of column A and a bit of column B:tdown:

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

But occasionally (& quite irritatingly), he responds with, "Are you numb, or are you just experiencing what it's like to not be totally overwhelmed by your emotions?"

Frustrating thing to hear, but dang, could be one of those situations where it's a bit of column A and a bit of column B:tdown:

This. Thank you. Personally, I never quite know, and it's good to be reminded to stop and examine.

 

[NightSky]

@Ragdoll Circus yes! I just wonder how to tell. I'm not ever emotional and one of my therapist's goals is to get me to feel. So I can't tell if this is forward or backward. It's nice not to be overwhelmed by racing thoughts and reactions. But I feel....blank. Is the only way I can describe it.

 

[87ofme]

Hello NightSky, I have been dealing with severe PTSD most of my life. I've been disabled with it since 1989. I have experienced many levels of disassociation from the mild staring off into space, to wondering who in the hell dressed me this morning in this getup and how did I get to where I am right now, to a level in the hospital where staff couldn't wake me up one morning which made me late for a Dr. appointment. That Dr came to check on me since tis was quite out of the ordinary for me. He couldn't wake me either so he flipped the mattress with me on it onto the floor and I still did not wake up! It was several hours later that I finally woke up on my own. This same Dr later told me that it is possible to die from disassociating too deeply. He lost a patient that way. It is quite rare and I do not recommend it. The mind is a powerful thing and not to be played with.

In regards to you not feeling or feeling numb, and actually living life in the present ie. doing laundry and not thinking about anything other than just the laundry type of thing. There seems to be a process I went through in weaning myself off of a life lived slightly disassociated. The act of disassociation is a defense mechanism. We needed it badly when we were going thru our trauma. But as we begin to heal, and learn new coping skills, we begin to feel safer so we don't need it as much anymore so we slowly begin to experience life without it. This is a hard time because now we have to feel stuff, even if it's just the stuff of everyday life; and we aren't used to that. Then there's the stuff of new drama added in there too just to keep things interesting. I had never learned how to feel my feelings. How to identify them, how to express them, and how to choose which ones to act on and which ones to allow to kind of float past me. So you are all over the place right now and that's to be expected. It's damned unsettling and uncomfortable, but kinda expected. During this time, I worked hard on feelings charts and identifying all feelings. Their potency or strength. Where they were coming from, many I had no idea where they had come from which was frustrating.

I hope this applies to your situation and answers your original question.

 

[NightSky]

Hello NightSky, I have been dealing with severe PTSD most of my life. I've been disabled with it since 19...

Yes, thank you. This is helpful.

 

[Sideways]

@87ofme - thank you for that insight.

Emotions are hard. It must be frustrating for me T as well that I can't identify what I'm feeling. I've tried the "emotional wave" strategy, the one where you start by describing it (colour, shape, temperature, where it isnin my body etc), and even using a list of emotions and trying to pick the one that sounds closest! I'm still in 1st grade on this front!

Most of the time now, I end up resorting to "is it good, or is it yuck" (don't like "bad", "bad" emotions are a helpful warning and it's ok to have those). But from what you've said, we just keep plugging away at it, yeah? One day it starts to get easier, recognising our emotions becomes more natural. And (hopefully) at that point, I can communicate them more effectively, and respond to them more effectively.

In the meantime, for me, "is it good, or is it yuck" will have to suffice:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

This is happening to me at the moment and I can so identify with you, I usually attend three group therapy groups a week and I see a therapist every two weeks but ever since I became overwhelmed with emotions to the point of having to " switch " which was quite traumatic.........I have just felt like I have no emotions, I am feeling lighter because I don't have the emotions but now I'm feeling resistant to attending my group therapy and don't take in the words and feel like I get nothing out of it. It's like a part of me is now saying, you don't need this.....why are you going? You feel fine now
It's weird, I was wondering also is it because, I was getting such severe shame and paranoia attacks that now a part of me has said " enough! " and has just shut out the emotional side now due to being overwhelmed

I have DID I believe and for me it is like another alter has now come to the forefront, maybe it's the " apparently normal part " and the depressed, subdued part of me seems to have retreated
I'm thinking perhaps this is good though, I've been depressed, subdued and deeply ashamed for the longest time, I still feel the shame but not the overwhelming fear and paranoia as much anymore
I just thought I'd post on here because I'm feeling the same and I was wondering what it was all about! :-)

 

[Sideways]

For what it's worth, I approach therapy a lot like meds - cut back rather than go cold turkey. And I also tend to use group therapy when it becomes available, even if the content is really basic stuff that I know back to front.

For me personally, I know that it's really good practice for me to sit in a room full of people I don't know and don't trust, and have to concentrate and interact. That's way out of my comfort zone, so it's the group setting and dynamic, rather than the content, that I attend for.

But if you do think you've reached the point where you're not getting anything out of group, maybe cut back and keep the time as designated "recovery work" time. Commit to going to a yoga class or something instead...

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you Ragdoll Circus, yeah three recovery programmes is getting to feel a bit too much, last night I had a dream all about having lots of fun, going out dancing with friends, travelling etc and I paid attention to it, I think I need to have more fun in my life, it's feeling out of balance
I signed up for a few meet ups in my area, one of them is tonight, going to see High Rise with a group of people, they'll be strangers and that'll be a challenge but I find people not in recovery are more lighthearted and I could do with a normal jokey night!

I agree with you totally about the value of sitting in a room full of people whom you find it hard to trust and having to interact with them, yes I think that's as important as the content of the meeting itself! I always try and mingle with other people for a few minutes after these meetings though the easiest thing for me to do would be to dash out the room as soon as the meeting finished :-)
I push myself at them

They are good practice but yeah I'm going to cut back....also since you understand about alters, I think another alter that barged it's way into the front as you know during a meeting at work, is still there! This alter wants me to grow and to have more fun and be more " normal " again, I feel like the lost one who got into all the recovery programmes and loved the recovery, has been pushed more into the background now because our system knows that it needs to be more balanced :-)

Thanks as ever for your input! X

PS. I do Yoga three times a week, Sun Salutations for ten minutes and I find it really calms me down...