D
deen
this is messy and all over the place sorry
i feel like i was made to fail. i was born in iraq in baghdad and was raised there up until i was 9. i hate this, i hate it a lot. i will never forget when i first moved to the US, went to american elementary school and all i could do was stare at the kids who were my age playing innocently. all i could think of at the time was “how are they so carefree and happy?”
all i could focus on was trying to live with everything i saw and went through. all i could focus on was surviving…while they got to have a childhood. i am happy for them, i would never wish what i went through on my worst enemy. but how nice would it be if i can live life without having to regulate myself? how nice would it be if i was born innocent?
i turn 19 this year. from the time i can remember, until i was about 16 i was going through the terrible emotions as i was processing what i truly had gone through.
when i turned 18, i have been nothing but numb.
the flashbacks don’t give me chest pains anymore, the memories still play over and over in my head. but somehow, this numb feeling feels worst to me…
at least when i felt pain, i felt as if my pain and trauma was real. but when i’m numb like this, i feel as if everything was made up.
my PTSD is not just PTSD. because of this disorder, i have many more disorders stemming from my PTSD.
life was so easy when i wanted to die, because when i wanted to die nothing mattered and i felt like i can ruin and destroy my life and be fine since i’m gonna be dead.
living is so hard, wanting to live makes me wanna die even more. because now that i want to live, i have to fix my mistakes. i have to actually live, have a job and go to school….i have to ignore all my self destructive behavior behind. but it’s so f*cking hard
life was easier when i wanted to die, because death meant it’s gonna be over.
i want to live so f*cking bad, which makes me want to die.
because now that i want to live, i have to fix everything. i have to be better. i have to learn how to function like those innocent kids i saw playing after i escaped war in baghdad.
i escaped the war that caused this, but how will i ever escape the prison i call my brain that this war locked me in?
seems like i was given a life sentence , just for being born.
i feel like i was made to fail. i was born in iraq in baghdad and was raised there up until i was 9. i hate this, i hate it a lot. i will never forget when i first moved to the US, went to american elementary school and all i could do was stare at the kids who were my age playing innocently. all i could think of at the time was “how are they so carefree and happy?”
all i could focus on was trying to live with everything i saw and went through. all i could focus on was surviving…while they got to have a childhood. i am happy for them, i would never wish what i went through on my worst enemy. but how nice would it be if i can live life without having to regulate myself? how nice would it be if i was born innocent?
i turn 19 this year. from the time i can remember, until i was about 16 i was going through the terrible emotions as i was processing what i truly had gone through.
when i turned 18, i have been nothing but numb.
the flashbacks don’t give me chest pains anymore, the memories still play over and over in my head. but somehow, this numb feeling feels worst to me…
at least when i felt pain, i felt as if my pain and trauma was real. but when i’m numb like this, i feel as if everything was made up.
my PTSD is not just PTSD. because of this disorder, i have many more disorders stemming from my PTSD.
life was so easy when i wanted to die, because when i wanted to die nothing mattered and i felt like i can ruin and destroy my life and be fine since i’m gonna be dead.
living is so hard, wanting to live makes me wanna die even more. because now that i want to live, i have to fix my mistakes. i have to actually live, have a job and go to school….i have to ignore all my self destructive behavior behind. but it’s so f*cking hard
life was easier when i wanted to die, because death meant it’s gonna be over.
i want to live so f*cking bad, which makes me want to die.
because now that i want to live, i have to fix everything. i have to be better. i have to learn how to function like those innocent kids i saw playing after i escaped war in baghdad.
i escaped the war that caused this, but how will i ever escape the prison i call my brain that this war locked me in?
seems like i was given a life sentence , just for being born.