...venting, Need Support

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just need to vent. Part of my trauma is medical. I just got back from the Endocrinologist appointment to figure out why I haven't had a menstrual cycle since last September. No answers yet but we did blood work.

Going through my health history triggered me and the anxiety level was sky high. I could barely see the doctor with my eyes or hear her voice. It was so difficult to get through it and then I had to tell her I have Ptsd to explain why the hell I was acting the way I was. I cannot just answer a question briefly. She was asking about my entire health history and then I was reminded of trauma, the thoughts just flooded which then reminded me of another trauma that was co-ocurring in the same time frame as that and I could barely speak. I just wanted to run out of there.

I can't believe how terrified I was of even doing the blood work. I missed the cross walk light almost three times trying to cross the street because I was trying to ground myself. It's so ridiculous. I'm going to be 30 years old in 2 days. This is no way to live. I'm so exhausted after that and this depression sucks so much. I feel like such a freak. I don't want to have ptsd--it's not fair. I just want myself back--who I used to be. I know I won't feel like this forever. It just feels so bad right now.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@EvenStrongerNow .

I was in a not dissimilar situation today with regards my psychiatric and financial assistance this afternoon. I nearly forgot how to breath at one point and was just gasping for air.

You have my kindest and most heartfelt :hug:s and you are right. It won't be like this forever but when we have these triggers/flashbacks that support is all the more important.

Kindest regards

Laurence

 

[Dexter's Disciple]

I know the feeling. I went many years without vaginal and breast exams due to my trauma. I tried to get them done because I have major issues with my cycles as well. I literally could not open my legs, they were clamped tight in fear. I was finally able to do it by reminding myself that I wasn't being traumatized again, I was being helped. I had to teach myself to learn the difference between abuse, and positive touching like hugs from a friend or a doctor trying to help me get better. It does take time, but explaining the situation to yourself can help. The worst was the exam for evidence of the rape and the exam to see if I'd gotten any STDs. I think we all really struggle with that, but yes, it does get better.

 

[Caterpillar]

Part of my trauma is medical related as well, and I find pretty much anything remotely medical hugely triggering, so I know how you feel. I know it sucks right now and you're triggered, but I think you really showed a lot of strength in how you handled the situation. You wanted to run out, but you didn't, and you managed to communicate what was happening to your doctor, which is more than I would be able to do.

I know how inadequate PTSD reactions can leave you feeling, but I hope you'll try to be gentle with yourself and see that you managed to make it through a really terrifying situation.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have freaked out at Dr.s appointments before. Mine was over missing period too. I went 2 years and no one could figure out what was wrong. I started taking vitamins and it magically came back. No one, in all my hellish appointments figured out it was a vitamin deficiency. (At least that is what I assume it was since I never got an official diagnosis.)

At one point I was sent to a male specialist. Let's just say, if I had the guts he would have slapped for being so insensitive about it. Instead I just froze up.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

I am a young man in school. I used to love math, and mathematical theory, I spent long hours hearing about what physicists had figured out about our world, about Einstein and his work. About how math functioned and it's implications.

I was socially awkward, and unskilled, at talking to people in general let alone girls my age.

When I got to high school things got even more difficult for me in general. My PTSD had just destroyed any chances with my first girlfriend at the time, and I really liked her. I could no longer learn math, and because of that I currently attach that to my studies till this day.

I have a hard time with female friends, and friendships somehow instantly explode the moment one of us brings up romantic feelings.

If a girl flirts with me I lock up, and avoid her from then on. I don't even know why.

I am doing very well all things considered, but it's a tough road to walk. I definitely understand what your going through in my own way, and your right it gets much better, patience.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I feel like such a freak. I don't want to have ptsd--it's not fair. I just want myself back--who I used to be. I know I won't feel like this forever. It just feels so bad right now.

I know those thoughts have crossed my mind. I've said those same words. I have sat at doctor's appointments shaking uncontrollably and pulled away from simple things like an ear check. It's humiliating sometimes. I feel like I should be able to control these things and act "normal", but it just doesn't work that way. I have no advice, but I just wanted to let you know (as others have) that you aren't alone in having these thoughts. Remember your line about it not feeling like this forever and try to believe in that. I know I am working on believing that.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks everyone so much for taking the time to write to me. I watched movies on netflix and took an extended nap. I'm feeling much better now. :hug: