Venting Room

[Let It Be]

It is time that I let go of the life coach that I talked to for tooooo long. I am realizing why I haven't been able to let him go is because I hadn't addressed his "verbal abuse" with me. There were certain words that I couldn't say to him because he didn't like them, so I kept the list close to me when I talked to him. Yes, there were times when he would cross the line and I knew it.

The one time where I had to come up with goals for the new year and I wrote all of them out in gratitudes and he didn't like it. The more he talked with me, the more his voice raised, until...I

It's like it is time for me to move on where he is concerned. I don't want to be afraid to express myself with a male just because of him. I guess I didn't realize he reminded me of my husband when he was alive. Always afraid to speak a word, because I didn't know what would happen to me.

Boy, was I not in a good place when I was talking to him. I couldn't let him go just like I couldn't let go of people walking over me. There were so many times when I got off the phone from talking to him and I felt worse because of the way he treated me. Why did I allow that to happen over and over and over? Why couldn't I take care of myself? Why did I allow it to continue? When I was a battered wife, I didn't feel like I had a choice, but I do now!

So, I would like to get myself where I can say it is time to have some good things come my way because I am ready, willing and able for it to happen...because I definitely know what the other feels like...

 

[hapa_gurl87]

Fin your awesome. This is just what I needed to vent to let out that anger, resentment and frusteration!!!!

Ok here I go,

Last night all I could think of was is there a way out, can I function, will my future be anything like I hope it will be. I had these aweful dreams the past few weeks. Friends and people dyeing and I keep having dreams of people I went to elementary school with, these are recurring dreams and I'm starting to wonder if they're trying to tell me something. I mean they have to be significant because they keep happening over and over again. But these dreams pretty much always have the same characters except with a different story line.

Growing up from elementary to Junior High, there were always a group of girls at my school who were considered cool or popular. I never really fit in with these girls although some of them I considered were my friends while others were merely acquiantances. I grew up in a small town primarily white and I was a minority compared to many of the people there. I think being different was part of the reason why I felt I didn't fit in. It wasn't like people didn't like me I just felt I had to do alot inorder to feel accepted by these girls and I was extremely self consciouse because of them.

Even though these girls did not traumatize me and are not the reason I have PTSD I am just starting to realize they may have instigated subconsciously some of what led me up to being traumatized.

In high school I no longer had to deal with these girls but I found it was just as hard to make new friends and yet still try to keep some of the old ones. Of course these same girls I had grown up with were not that much changed by High School they were still popular and stayed in a clique that branched out to some new people but luckily I changed High Schools partly to get away from the old. At my new High School I was the new girl and I had to start all over again trying to fit in and be cool and popular if that was at all possible but I discovered it was just as hard. I realized how I looked had to do with how people noticed me or would catch peoples attention. That's what I used as my weapon to make guys notice me and because i was so desperate for attention and to be accepted I went out of my way to achieve that goal. It wasn't until I was pressured and harassed to do sexual things I didn't want to do in order to be popular that's were things went wrong and my trauma went on a roller coaster ride into the bottomless pits to hell. I was so traumatized by the rumors and gossip that was spread about me how guys would say things about me that made me want to run and hide or how girls would act like they were my friend just to make fun of me and then later on call me a slut. It's so ironic that something I had wanted for so long could go so wrong. Do the ends justify the means? Good question. Now It all makes sense how these to seperate events or experiences from childhood to adolescents are so interwoven and connected in many ways.

In these dreams I have about the popular girls from my childhood some of the scenarios are similar where the girls actually want to be my friend and are accepting me although i might not take there offer It's shocking to me how much they want to be my friend or somehow have always been my friends and I didn't even realize it. Like last night a girl who was a childhood friend who I lost connection with later on in life was encouraging me to follow my dreams and telling me to be as happy as she is that there's really no reason for me to be depressed. In some ways I was enviouse of her optimism of life realizing this was a part of me not was just recently lost not too long ago. I also saw my third grade teacher and I got mad at him for not giving me a second chance at something that all the other kids were able to achieve which had to do with flying. These twins who were also friends of mine growing up who were very smart, athletic and competative are always seen in my dreams doing something sporty.

After I graduated from High School I did have several nightmares of the traumas that took place at the school and I imagine a few of them involved some of my child hood friends but not as much as the tormentors that kept haunting me in my dreams and in my daily life. I remember a couple years ago when I was really doing alot of healing work to get over my high school experience I had a few nightmares of this girl associated with my trauma because she bullied me and called me names. In these dreams I kept firguring out a way to approach her and stand up to her and basically bitch her out for all the hell she put me through. I actually used this dream to face this bully. It was a desire deep in the depths of mind and heart that I so badly wanted to do but was terrified to do it. But my gut instincts and with the help of my dream I knew I faced her she couldnt hold so much power over me and If I didn't then I might have to live with her nightmares for the rest of my life. After constantly trying to avoid her around school I came up to her one day with all the guts and courage i could gather and just told her the straight up vulnerable truth that she had hurt me and I was having nightmares about her. I didn't even blame her or get angry I just simply expressed my feelings toward her and what she had done to me. After facing her, I never had nightmares about her again and she didn't scare me anymore. So I do believe dreams are messages being spoken to us from another realm or on another level telling us what we need to do to find the answers so we heal our wounds.

Here goes the real venting:

The thing that really bothers me now is I don't know how to follow these dreams or what message they are sending me. I'm just so confused because my trauma has nothing really to do with the people who hurt me from back in the day now it has to do how my therapist wanted me to go back and face my school where the trauma took place to get closure by telling the administration my story and what they needed to do to make their school safer. i was so defeated by that experience because it did not give me closure and what i wanted was retribution more than anything to have them pay for my damage in what ever way possible. Now i'm just pissed off and angry and dont knwo who to blame and I keep going back to the past saying if i just hadn't listened to my therapist everything would be fine she ruined my ****ing life because of her stupid idea and now I want her to pay which I know wont happen. But she doesnt realize how bad my life sucks now and she doesn't realize that as a therapist she needs to own up to what she did and take responsibility in trying to help me get my power back which has been abused and watered down everyday after that meeting at my high school. I was fine before with being angry at the school but now I'm not fine because I don't know who to be angry at I need an enemy to feel ok about myself to feel like I'm fighting for something to feel empowered by wrong doings and not let the enemy corrupt my soul and mind. But now the powers that be vested in me are turning against me day by day and i feel im not living for a purpose my dream and inspiration that manifested ten months ago are no longer significant because I am in to much pain and agony to feel optimism and hope about my future. i hate being mr. negative but thats how I feel. And its almost been a year since then and some part of me is divided on deciding what path i should take to move forward one voice inside me says "let it go there's nothing you can do but try your best to keep going" the other voice says "No don't let it go until you're done fighting for what you need to feel good and empowered again" it's telling me to go back to my school and face it the way I want to face it not my therapists way if that means getting angry at the school all over again then do it but this time I dont have the strength or courage to do that Im so burned out from giving up the fight and being defeated by my cause. that what good would it do and Im scared of the outcome because the outcome that came of the school was so unknown so unpredictable to go back and tell my story to people i barely knew.
I hope something in my mind clicks and light up again so that ill be clear of this spiraling stress and chaos in my life right now so that i can function and at least feel happiness and peace if following my dreams are not an option right now!! What's that famous quote I think it goes "live and let live" or the beatles "let it be let it be" lol

 

[catjudo]

When will this depression get better? I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I went back to therapy. I'm giving every effort I have to try everything that's been asked or suggested. I've been back on my medication for months now. I just need this darkness to show some sign of starting to lift.

 

[Manic11]

Catjudo,

I know exactly where you're coming from. But hey, people have had it happen so it must be possible right? :dontknow: lol
Hang in there, hun. You can do it!

Manic

 

[skyp56]

I just wish everything in my life would settle down.

1. Daughter is pregnant, near term, so I am On Call to go pick up the older grandson whenever she has to go to hospital. I have been close to non-functional for several weeks, anyway, due to extreme flare up of anxiety. This waiting is horrible! I am nervous about driving, anyway, so having to think about jumping in the car, whatever time of day/night, is putting me right at the edge. She had called me yesterday to tell me that she may have to be induced today due to indications of pre-eclampsia. So, today I have been on Full Alert, waiting.

2. Then, about the time I thought I should have heard from her, my phone service was interrupted. So that was more stress. Just lucky I do have a cell phone. I called her, and she said "Oh, I'm home. Tests today were normal" GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Why did she not call me when she first got home so I wouldn't have to worry the entire time my phone service was down!!!!!! I stressed for this whole day, just to find out that nothing had really changed from yesterday or the day before. Am I just over-reacting because she didn't let me know she was ok as soon as she knew? Anyway, it made me very angry!

3. Husband is still unemployed, at least as a full-time employee. He has been working side jobs as a handy-man, but these jobs are day to day. I'm not dealing well with this because I need the security of a steady income.

4. My relationship with my grandson has changed. I grieve for the closeness we had, but I can't seem to "find" my end of that, lately. He has grown past that childlike innocence where he followed my every lead. He has a very definite sense of how things should be done. For some reason, I am not handling that well.

4. And, I hate that I have not been functioning well lately. I can't seem to get past these jittery nerves. I have been having physical symptoms, like stomach problems and increased aches for my fibromyalgia.

I guess those are the major areas where life seems so uncertain for me. I'm so afraid I am losing my mind. I feel sure I've lost my family; lost their trust in my ability to take care of myself. Geez, I don't like being this way, either!

I don't know where to turn; I have even called the Suicide Hotline numbers, just to have someone to vent to. This is a good resource, I've found, so if anyone does read this, know you can call them, even if you aren't in immediate danger of physical self-harm.

So, this is my vent of today. I just want to feel better, physically and emotionally, and have the major areas of life settle into less volatile states.

I am so glad for this forum, where I can vent when things seem at their worst.

 

[LikeCharlotte]

I know it is not good for me to be alone. I will isolate. I will avoid. I know how dangerous it is and yet other people constantly tell me I should live alone. My mask is good. It protects me. It makes other people buy my b**lls***. I am trying to get better. I do not have a new therapist, yet.

The person I live with has a tendency to slam doors, move suddenly, walk loudly and it makes me crazy. I jump constantly. I have no choice but the be here right now. I just want to go into a nice quiet and safe box.

I still can't remember things like I did when I was doing okay but it is better. I wish people would stop thinking that I want or need a hug. DONT TOUCH ME!!!! DONT YELL! STOP SLAMMING THINGS!

I am not ready. I need to do things slower and life will not slow down. I do not want to go out. I am not wallowing!! This is not my CHOICE. I think my medication is working. I wish I never told other people.

 

[cragger65]

Hang in there Charlotte. You've got the slower pace part right, I believe. A lot of us can't keep up at the speed we used to operate at. Hope things smooth out a little for you soon. I find sometimes even something simple like lighting some candles or a hot bath can shift gears for me a little. Hope you're feeling better.

Still in my down funk today. I know it's my meds, but they only protect me from thinking about all my stupid mistakes, so it seems. "Functioning" for me now means regular meals and 3 good walks/week. Pretty exciting, huh. Socializing?? Very little. Doing hobbies? Not for a few months now. I can't find the energy to do much of anything for myself these past few weeks. I'm getting the winter blahs a little too early this year!!!

 

[sidekick]

I realized tonight that I am angry at my husband about what happened to my/our daughter when we visited his mother/father. I have touched on this subject I believe on the boards before. It is a sore spot between us and we do not talk about it. We are both in therapy seperately and working on going together at some point. I sent him this link so he could get some information on PTSD as he just never got it and was always crossing my boundries and you know how that goes with comments and so on.

Well I realized tonight when after he read a long letter/blog entry that I shared with him and he asked me what more I wanted from him. ( He has changed so much and done so many things to improve our families lives and help me/us deal with this PTSD, even as it gets worse because of what I am now going through and am about to go through once again in therapy).

I could not give him an answer, but inside I felt one come to surface. I want him to admit what his mother did to my precioius baby and to his other daughter. Stop denying it and making me feel like I am crazy and making things up because of my past.

And I realized that I am actually totally pissed off at him, furious because I feel that this could have been prevented if he hadn't been so effing blind to his other daughters not so subtle abuse signs and all the times I told him point blank that something happened to her and he should talk to her or do something.

If he or his daughters mother had done something then MY BABY maybe would not have had to go through what she did god damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vent over, now maybe I can look at him without so much hatred.

 

[This Ends Now]

I Hate Tilt

Stupid F**** POKER!!!! It is NOT my fault that you went on tilt this month Jo. YOU did that all by yourself. I DID provide adequate assistant work. You think I did nothing and you were all alone in making money? They why the hell do you get so mad when I need to take a day off???? Do you think that it is fun to massage your feet every hour while you yell about Nash equillibriums? And NO a lack of understanding game theory does NOT make a person stupid so stop saying it and shut the F**** up. Massage therapy, diet regulation, counceling... all these things are work. Hard work that I do. If it is such an easy job then please find someone else to do it. Whats that? Nobody else you have tried to hire has lived up to your standards... gee I wonder why. Now after days of yelling at me because somehow I forced you to loose $2000 dollars (after a 30k up swing on the month... how tragic) and you are tilting so bad that you can't even win a booster draft you want to go back and play more poker????? Are you even listening to yourself??? You have lost your F****ing mind! You think I can sit there and patiently help you and listen to you yell while you do it??? F*** no! I am already loosing the feeling in my left hand from all the massage work I did on you (you know when I was being lazy and not working) this month. You think I can provide psychological support after getting yelled at for days??? After you DELIBERATELY triggered me to make yourself fell better???? You must be the dumbest smart person I have ever met!!!!! Also, how can you possibly blame me that there is no food you like in the house when I have been WALKING to the store to get you exactly what you like... then getting yelled at for spending money... like all the money is yours... F****. Bah! Just leave me the h*ll alone until you get your head out of your rump and step down from your stinking high horse. You are not so much better than all the people you look down on. You think you got thrown out of the magic store for no reason do you??? I should get a tape recorder and play back the way you have been speaking to people... maybe then you would understand. Bah. :stupid:

 

[cragger65]

I suggest you get yourself completely clear of that on This Ends Now. Energy sucking, never good.

 

[teknisa]

/rant on

Stop having parties with your stupid college friends at efing 3am on a weekday! People go to work and have jobs and you sit at home on your efing ass because daddy is paying for your rent. You get in trouble and you get a whole damn house to yourself for free! I'm tired of seeing random cars next door because your having your friends over all the time! I'm so tired of having my dogs bark at you when your outside! It was so nice and quiet before you moved in! I want the dead fat guy back, at least i didn't have to see or hear him! He was the perfect neighbor!

I wish I could order my doberman on you!

On top of that I have not been able to get to sleep untill 5am for the past 4 nights and I'm starting to get annoyed. I hate falling asleep at 5/6am and then waking up at noon! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

/rant off

 

[dharmaBum]

The sentence was supposed to be mandatory life in prison, but becuz of some legal loophole in my f*n old case, the sentence is now 13-18 years for raping a child for 3 years from 6-9 CR@P!