Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[lostforgottensoul]

I relasped last night and got high. Not sure what caused it really but yeah. So I did what I always do when I get high, I went porn browsing as then that makes the high so much higher and feel so much better. Porn, masturbation etc.

So I went on my fav porn site. I won't advise what site it is but I will say it is a f*cked up site. They have mostly porn but I did see a video on there that really f*cked me up. It was of Robert "Budd" Dwyer, Pennsylvania Senate, shooting himself on tv on 1/22/87. Google it (but don't watch it). It is the entire thing.

So it has f*cked up stuff on it but NEVER has it ever had child porn that I have seen. Most girls dress young but never ever have I seen an actual child on there.

Anyway, I am browsing, arroused, starting to masturbate and I came across one that made my heart sink as it looked like a child. Now, at first I didn't know for sure as many asian women look like children, or look much younger than they are and from the still picture i couldn't tell so I stopped what I was doing and clicked on it. Sure enough it was of a child, undenialblly. No more then maybe 10. There zero way to deny she was a child. The man's face was out of the shot and you could tell she was being told what to do. I disocciated. I didn't click off of it because I was mentally gone.

I was forced to make child porn videos when I was a child starting at age 9 all the way up to 19. I made one weekly. For 10 years I made a porn video every single week. That's 560 videos.

This child looked just like me. It looked like it was done in the late 80s or early 90s (I was 10 in '91). And though most of the videos I made were on VHS and sold or rented out, I am positive that my videos are on the net somewhere. Though I thought darknet (the deep web) as no way it would be on the surface web though I found this video on the surface web. On a site that is free and also free of malware. It's not of me but so very similuar.

I reported it to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children as it at least needs to be taken off the site. Though I hesititated as I technically watched it meaning I could get in trouble (though was disocciated) but reported it anyway and hope they understand it was watched on accident. Hopefully I don't get arrested for watching it. I wasn't mentally there but not sure that matters.

Now I am a full mess. I cut and I "punished" myself like they used to. I had cut down there pretty badly like they used to and burned myself down there like they used to and I used a stun gun on myself down there like they used to. I have hurt myself in other ways down there like they used to and I can't sit still today. My anxiety is through the roof but I am also very tired as this happened right before i went to bed so had a very bad night.

And becoming arroused at the thought of my past (not the video).

I feel dirty. Very, VERY dirty and I can't get clean. I stand in the shower every day and I try to get clean and I can't. I have had sex with men for money as a child. I have had sex with animals as a child and an adult. ..... I am a forever nasty piece of shit that people still talk about today. Though I stopped doing it, I am still disgusting.

I found my "inner child" I think. Not sure as it is just a hint of a feeling but I feel "her" hiding. Terrified. My therapist said my emotions were maturing but she still feels very young.

Fear is such a big emotion for me. I fear everything. Fear and terror were huge back then. And split sec decisions, this horrible thing or that horrible punishment. f*ck a dog on camera, and like it, or get drowned in a bath tub. It was split sec decions all the time.

Summer were the worst. No school so I could go days and no one would know. Rented for days. So much being done to me in the other's home. I had marks on my wrist and ankles that no one noticed at school. I think the school cop did but i wouldn't admit to anything.

Sorry about the details. No one knows it all as there are things i dont want to tell anyone. There's things I've done that I can't tell anyone, ever. And things done to me that I can't tell anyone, ever.

I wasn't going to even mention this but I didn't want to end up hanging myself or OD'ing again and not at least tell someone that I am now completely spinning out of control.

Sorry for all the graphic details.... I am a complete f*cked up mess!

ETA: I guess I should add that I am not threating or advising of suicide. I just meant that if i didnt tell someone that is where i see this ending i guess.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul :hug: :hug: If you want them or accept them... you've been in a world of shit for most of your life. Your are not the piece of shit, you are not the f*cked up mess. You were a child that was used and abused, that turned into a teen that was used and abused that turned into a woman way too soon that was used and abused.

I'm so f*cking sorry for what you've gone through, and continue to go through. I'm also proud of you for stepping up and trying to help someone else. I won't ask to you stop the self harm, because I know that you probably can't. I will say a small whatever and hope that you can go from self harm to self smooth in a kinder manner to yourself.
Know that I care and so do many of us here..........

 

[Friday]

You did the right thing, reporting what you found. No one is going to arrest you or hold you responsible for finding something terrible. You did the right thing, even though you were scared. That's called brave.

You did the right thing, not trying to hide any of it. This is their evil, not yours.

You are coping, the best ways you know how, even if they're not all the best ways period, you're still fighting. Just imagine once you have ways that don't hurt you, how much that fighter spirit will serve you even better. But right now, no matter how scared, dirty, horrible you feel or felt, you are still fighting. One better, IDK if you realize or not, but you're mixing your new tools and your old tools together? IME That's a reeeeeeally really good sign, hon! Massive trigger, huge stressor, even an altered state of mind... and you didn't just use your old tools... But also your new ones :D Well done.

Please talk with your therapist, yeah?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Please talk with your therapist, yeah?

Yeah. Have to wait til next week but yeah.

I feel so young right now. It's so hard to explain.

One better, IDK if you realize or not, but you're mixing your new tools and your old tools together?

I don't see that. What new tools am I using?

I don't see anything but chaos. I can't sit still. Like I am on crack or something.

This is their evil, not yours.

It's so hard to keep blame over there. I keep trying to rationalize it or, i don't know, excuse it by saying that i deserved it or was bad or whatever.

You did the right thing, reporting what you found. No one is going to arrest you or hold you responsible for finding something terrible. You did the right thing, even though you were scared. That's called brave.

Yeah, I was (and still am) very scared but I couldn't stand the thought of some pediphile jerking off to this poor child.

I hate this shit! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!! :banghead:

:hug: :hug: If you want them or accept them

Of course! :hug:

:tdown: This is so confusing and frustrating. I feel like I am spinning super fast and I can't stop it. f*cking flashes of making the videos and the feeling of the scratches on my sides from the stupid dogs on just the f*cking feeling from back then is back. The dirty feeling.

I don't know, so hard to explain.

 

[Friday]

Yeah. Have to wait til next week but yeah.

I feel so young right now. It's so hard to explain.

He allows contact outside of sessions, right? Or scheduling emergency or special sessions, sometimes? You can call him, or send him an email. Even if he's on vacation. You might not be able to see him until next week, but you don't have to wait to reach out until next week.

I don't see that. What new tools am I using?

I don't see anything but chaos. I can't sit still. Like I am on crack or something.

Just a few from what you've written above: You're organizing your thoughts. You're drawing boundaries. You're reaching out. You're plotting cause & effect. You're grounding. You're recognizing distorted thoughts. If you pull out your DBT workbook you'll probably find other skills you've been using, as well. :) In addition to the ones I don't even know about. Spent any time with Chopper? Self care?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He allows contact outside of sessions, right? Or scheduling emergency or special sessions, sometimes?

No. He takes patients back to back. And the insurence says i only need to see him once every 2 weeks until or unless the apeal goes through, which it hasnt yet, so it would cost me $125 or even if he cut that in half it would be $62.50. The front office is a bitch, literally.

Spent any time with Chopper? Self care?

I had Chopper do a little bit of DPT last night but because I was having flashbacks of me and dogs, it felt weird to have one on my lap so I just had curdled up alone and took a shit ton of things to force myself to sleep. It happened last night.

This morning i couldn't stay awake and now im at work feeling like i am jumping off the walls.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Lost, many hugs to you right now. What you did by reporting was so very brave. You are not the bad thoughts but a very caring person in my eyes. You are so honest which is such a good thing and I admire you for your honesty.

I hope that you are able to do some self soothing and self comforting because you so badly need that right now. Please know I have great respect for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @gizmo! I have no idea why one would admire me but thank you! :hug:

 

[Heather]

@lostforgottensoul ....I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

You are a treasure and you need to go easy on yourself

Many,many :hug:'s my dear friend

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @Heather! :hug:s

 

[Heather]

:hug:'s back at you girlfriend!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The video was taken off the site. I am not sure if it was taken down by the site or the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children but at least it's off the site. Yay!

ETA: I guess I should say the link was on my phone's clipboard and now it's a dead link. So that's how I know it's gone.