Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[lostforgottensoul]

I think that it might be worth consideration to put a block on your computer.

I did this and I spoke about it with people back when I was doing the rituals and it was useless as I can get around it. Even if I had someone else set the password or something, I can still get around it. Parental controls and blocks aren't hard to get around and I did so for each one I put up. Even when high.

It seems to do better if I work on why I needed to get high, do the ritual, look at porn, whatever.

I also think that a block to the sites will prevent relapse for you

I got high first. So no, it wouldn't.

, I also think it would be good to start a discussion/topic about your relapse.

I know why i got high and spoke about it in another thread and also to my therapist; my parent's have moved fully out of town, to my sister's that hates me, j have been forced to see her, my therapy sessions were cut in half right at the same time they moved. I knew it was coming, it was during a very quiet time in the house when it all hit rather hard.

Thank you @Missycat!

 

[ForgotToLive]

I want to suggest that perhaps the act of 'reporting it' wasn't your "new thing" (aka your new coping tool) but rather the more generalized act of your TAKING CONTROL BACK/AWAY from trusted-abusers (trafficking parents) as well as away from the viewing masturbaters (pedophile customers) could be your 'new thing' ...even moreso than helping the victim in the video. I think it was about you standing up and fighting against the repulsive community of people who participate in and try to normalize (by sharing videos) the act of sexually objectifying children. Make no mistake about it, you took on Goliath! Unless you helped put your own abusers in jail, I'm guessing standing up and demanding this be stopped is probably a new and scary experience...? You stood up and effectively took control away from this community of child porn posters & viewers and that is a very STRONG and very SCARY thing to do because it required facing your demons and fighting them instead of trying to please/appease them. It was a very SELF EMPOWERING act in my opinion and I know I don't even know you at all but nonetheless I'm SO PROUD of you for doing it!!!!! You made all of us other sexual abuse victims more empowered by you taking action. And that is the exact thing you never had as a child - any power to deny these two groups from fulfilling their desires. But you just denied them! And that is NOT the act of a dirty or bad person who deserves to be punished. You taking back your power by making a positive change has more power to purify your soul than 100 showers washing the filth out could ever have. I think you being able to find the courage to report them (as a 'normal' person would hopefully do) means you were able to carry out a more normal response. You prioritized taking back control over self-harm at least LONG ENOUGH to be effective in making a diffetence... and correct me if I'm mistaken but I'm thinking THAT is the goal of therapy and living a more emotionally stabilized life. Dealing with triggers in a positive, more deliberate, less emotionally regressive way. I see choosing/being able to hold your shit together long enough to report as a huge step in your fight to not only make it through another day but perhaps even toward a new self-narrative of experiencing life as a less vulnerable person. My suggestion is to try really hard to stop the world from spinning around you long enough to feel empowered and heroic - to let that feeling of goodness and empowerment wash over you. That is the person inside of you that needs to be given a voice. Give her some sunlight and some oxygen... she may be able to get strong enough some day to help you write a new narrative of who you are to become and how you got there. There are all kinds of ways to take control back. I do not recommend deliberately searching out and reporting other videos needless to say! You'd have to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound to stomach the horror and heartbreak of doing that...but there are other ways to take control back/away from those dark shadows from your past.

 

[Gs172003]

I did this and I spoke about it with people back when I was doing the rituals and it was usel...

Is there somebody you trust and respect that you'd be willing to allow to get your computer history through email?( like your therapist maybe?) That alone could be a deterrent. If so covenant eyes is worth the 14 a month. And you can't cancel it easy, trust me I had it once and they call you lol

It's not always block. They email all your activity to someone you pick. The idea is you knowing somebody else will see will keep you from doing it. Just an idea

 

[Msbliz]

I relasped last night and got high. Not sure what caused it really but yeah. So I did what...

Is there a special sexual abuse survivor program anywhere near you!?? Teaching hospitals have been known to, Please check out. Also, have you looked into DBT or EMDR therapy? Your senses, your brain function need relief. I am thinking of you and send you the best wishes for healing.

 

[Megyn]

I relasped last night and got high. Not sure what caused it really but yeah. So I did what...

I haven't been on in a while cuz too much shit is happening but came on today to ask about an unnatural fear and/or trigger and saw your post.

I have the same exact symptoms as you: excessive masturbating, using porn as a way to reenact, punishing myself like they did, getting aroused off really sick porn because it's sadistic like the sexual abuse I survived, getting aroused from shit that happened in the past. I hate myself because of it and it seems like a never ending, almost daily cycle. My therapist is aware and I promise not to hurt myself, and generally I don't like I used to, but I hurt myself emotionally, retraumatize myself. I'm stuck, I can't stop it, yet. I'm working on ways to keep myself grounded to stop. Anyways, only a cpl weeks ago, same thing happened to me: I stumbled across something and I reported it. I had the same anxiety afterwards and the same guilty horrible feelings. I know it seems like they won't pass, but I know you know they do. When we're in it, it's hard to see the "end". I'm hoping you're better by now, or on the mend.

Ps similar things happened to me as well, no video just photos, multiple abusers, my father "selling" me to friends, left at strange houses, etc. And yes, speaking of it, I get aroused, but it's body memories, it's ptsd, it's my little self trying to make heads or tails of this bullshit. I came to the conclusion only last night that perhaps (I know my body reacted normally to stimulation) I felt the "pleasurable" (it wasn't mentally or emotionally) part stronger because it was better than feeling pain? So good at compartmentalizing and then focusing on a specific emotion, I imagine we do that with physical sensations too? Idk.

 

[Megyn]

I want to suggest that perhaps the act of 'reporting it' wasn't your "new thing" (aka your new cop...

Beautifully said.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Unless you helped put your own abusers in jail,

Nope, sure didn't. Didn't even bring a civial suit with my therapist's urging (or his want I guess) after the Statue of Limitations was up. So they lived until they died free of any wrong doing. As did the "family".

I'm guessing standing up and demanding this be stopped is probably a new and scary experience...?

Yep, very new and MUCH scarier then I'd imagine it would be.

Something spun me as I have been sleeping all day. I don't think it was just the reporting it but rather the entire thing.

I'm not sure but yep, I feel like I have the flu. Which is rather normal for very emotional things. I have a severe physical reaction.

I'm SO PROUD of you for doing it!!!!!

Thank you! You don't have to know me for those words to mean the world to me! :hug:

and correct me if I'm mistaken but I'm thinking THAT is the goal of therapy and living a more emotionally stabilized life. Dealing with triggers in a positive, more deliberate, less emotionally regressive way. I see choosing/being able to hold your shit together long enough to report as a huge step in your fight to not only make it through another day but perhaps even toward a new self-narrative of experiencing life as a less vulnerable person.

I think my therapist would agree. As before, I would not just cut and punish, and sleep all day, but I would have sweept it under the rug and pretend I didn't see it but wish I could do something to stop it. Then punish for not being able to do anything about it...and around and around it goes.

So, stopping the spinning, mid-f*cked up, and googling "reporting child porn" and then fight the scariness of that (though I left most of the form blank, still) and then talk on here about it when all I wanted to do was pretend I didn't see it and get more f*cked up...and yeah.

Anyway, I think my therapist would agree that, though I relaspsed and do what I always did, I still did something different here. And I suppose that counts for something huh?

Is there somebody you trust and respect that you'd be willing to allow to get your computer history through email?

I don't have a computer, I have a phone. And nope.

Is there a special sexual abuse survivor program anywhere near you!??

Uh huh. My therapist and I tried that and I emailed one, it didn't work out. That was before this site but still. Not so sure I could take that large leep ahead. People terrify the f*ck out of me. And so until or unless I can get my dog that well trained, or they allowed for me to bring him before he was that well trained (my dog at the moment is my service dog in training) then, I don't see that happening.

My therapist and I spent damn near a year trying to find me support before we found this site. It is why I don't agree with the insurence's therapist saying that I can seek community supports (and neither does my therapist). I just don't see that happening yet. Would be great but I don't see me taking that leap without the assitance of my (or a service) dog.

Also, have you looked into DBT or EMDR therapy?

I have the DBT workbook. Same thing with this class as above. And my therapist is EMDR trained and experienced. We did it a while back, I wasn't ready, it went badly. This was well before this site. So now he thinks I am more ready for it now and wants to return to it. We just haven't yet.

@Megyn Long time no see! :hug:

I came to the conclusion only last night that perhaps (I know my body reacted normally to stimulation) I felt the "pleasurable" (it wasn't mentally or emotionally) part stronger because it was better than feeling pain? So good at compartmentalizing and then focusing on a specific emotion, I imagine we do that with physical sensations too? Idk.

I don't know either. I know I compartmentalize too well. I know I do it in order to work. I do it in therapy. I am numb when I do and I know why I compartmentalize.

I used to be able to narrow and zero in on an emotion or a set of emotions to then draw or paint them out. I have done that since I was 10. All art pre '99 was distoryed by them though.

I know why I have that issue with porn and it left (or the urge to view porn) when I stopped the rituals so I'm like cool. Two birds one stone?

And I didn't view porn each time I got high. I was just high each time I did the rituals. I guess. I don't know, it's confusing.

And it's not even about keeping me accountable as I honestly don't care at that time. See my history that I went to view porn. Ok, I don't care. So someone having browsing history, I can't see that helping.

Why is huge in my world. Why did I have the urge to get f*cked up and cut and go porn surfing. That is what fixes things for me. For many, its of will power but for me its the why and fixing that and as a byproduct of fixing that I then don't need to get high and browse porn and cut and all of that.

So why did I have the urge to cut (as that came first) and then to get high? Will be a question I can see my therapist asking on Friday.

He knows why though as we have spoken about it in the last few sessions. But knowing him, he will ask anyway.

Anyway, going back to compartmentaling @Megyn, are you saying that you compartmentalized the physical feeling back then and thus "enjoyed it" or are you saying today?

I know that the body will have a reaction but for me personally, in the mist of literal torture was also a lot of mind games and "kindness" where I am still convinced today, at the age of 35, that my step dad was my first love at the age of 12. So the fact that I still describe him as such tells me that back then I had such a "mind-f*ck" going on that a few things happened; I translate the torture as love so today I need that same level of pain and torture to enjoy sex. I also view that as love and thus seek it when what I am after is to feel loved. And keeps me stuck in a never ending circle like you described of seeking it.

But, in my opinion, feeling pleasure back then didn't do that. Compartmentaling it doesn't do that. The mind games during it and having kindness in the mist of torture, does it.

Not to say the pleasure during rape or sexual assult isn't confusing as it is. But the "love" in the middle of torture, kindness in the middle of torture, and the mind games creates more of this seeking behavior I think. And my therapist points this "kindness in the middle of torture" out a lot. So seems rather important. I think its to get me to see the torture part and not so much the love part. But anyway.

I could have totally missunderstood what you wrote so I appologize if I did.

ETA: I guess I should add @Zoogal and @Msbliz62 that I am not, I don't know, trying to turn down helpful ideas. But advising of tried and failed stuff. That's all.

It was advised to me before I stopped the rituals to let someone see my browsing history and it doesn't matter in that moment. Nor has any sort of block worked.

I also tried for a LONG time to gain support via a support group and failed and then via a church and failed plus that came to smack me in the face.

It has never been a thing of will power but a thing of why i did it in the first place. That's all. And i posted that I didn't know why i did it but i know that isn't true. It just wasn't clear to me at that point but is now as I sit in my house all alone. Super duper clear. I am so not handling this well at all. As i feared i wouldn't.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Here is a virtual hug no strings attached in any way. I admire your brutal honesty and ability to look inside of yourself and report the whole situation.:hug:

I am beginning to understand that this thing is bigger than you and compulsive. I think that you are going to be alright in the end.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am beginning to understand that this thing is bigger than you and compulsive.

Totally!

And :hug:s back!

 

[Gs172003]

Nope, sure didn't. Didn't even bring a civial suit with my therapist's urging (or his want I...

It works on your phone too.
Any of that stuff works if you want it to. But yeah, getting to the bottom of why is important.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Any of that stuff works if you want it to.

That's my point. Even if I opened my browsing history up to my therapist (though I can't email him so have no idea how I would and know no one else at all), I don't care if they seen I have gone there. It's not a having accountablity thing like many think it is. I am not addicted to it or I wouldn't have very large gaps in going to them and only do so when I am playing out my past. It cannot be handled like a porn addict would be handled as the moment you did even a slight shaking a finger verbally or whatever, I'd go home and punish.

It has zero to do with will power and everything to do with why I felt the urge to play out my past. It comes along with cutting urges. It is very simular. Ritual urges I compare to an addiction but that's not what it is and it is MUCH stronger then that too. I have gotten myself clean; no rehab, no accountabilty, no sponsor, no help; 4 times. It is different and stronger.

I have so much I need to work on that I haven't yet and it all hit at once as my dad moved out, left town, and stopped talking to me. Abandoned again. This has been boiling for a while.

 

[Gs172003]

That's my point. Even if I opened my browsing history up to my therapist (though I can't ema...

I understand abandonment. That is hard and that is the #1 thing you need to work on as I'm sure you know already.