Vigilance and My Shut-Down of Sexual Feelings

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Like not wanting to be touched. This has come and gone for me.

In my opinion, the long-term fear of one's own emotions is the root cause. For me, it was like a scene in the original "Beauty and the Beast" when the Beast says "Just let them come" and I just stopped caring if my flashbacks and intrusive thoughts were acting on me. I no longer took control. For a while, it was like a scene from the film. It was chaotic. But I learned a lot about myself, necessary things to know about myself. And, so I am glad I "let them come." Unpleasant, but necessary.

And I no longer feared. What's the worst that can happen?

Have you done biofeedback? I have not, but I would like to try.

I'm glad that you've been able to freely accept your feelings and emotions at least some of the time. These experiences would give you a much deeper understanding of yourself.

I still have this frightening chaotic and overwhelming emotions residing within myself and I don't even know why. as they have nothing to do with the present moment. And perhaps, this is one reason why they frighten me so much. I find it too difficult to believe that these feelings 'are me.'

You said that 'this has come and gone' …then, you've learned via your previous experiences, some good, some bad. Yet I haven't had these experiences, neither good nor bad because I have since blocked them all out.

Then you said that, ' you just stopped caring if your flashbacks and intrusive thoughts were acting on you' … so then, you conscious decided 'not to care' anymore. I haven't yet been able to make a conscious decision to fall asleep at night, as 'my caring' is often what's making sleep difficult. Nor have I been able to make a conscious decision to stop caring about an intrusive flashback because the emotions that they evoke still exists within my present moment.

Then you said, 'you were glad you 'let them come' … here again, you are making a conscious decision 'to allow' …a function of your intellect based on your previous experience which has since been intellectually processed and understood. I'm not there yet. Sorry if, I'm not explaining myself very clearly. But I haven't the ability to decide to feel nor to 'let go.'

On the other hand, I can decide to tolerate my frightening and unpleasant emotions up to a point, as is used in exposure and EMDR therapies. But to 'just not care' …this isn't going to work for me, as the emotional element will always over-whelm any decision making.

As for my brain -- my developmental brain damage was likely due to my near suffocation at 6 weeks of age from whooping cough. I was ill for 10 weeks. So who knows, how many times I had stopped breathing. My mother once told me that, I was a difficult to raise as an infant because I wasn't crying. She said she never knew when I was hungry nor needed my diapers changed. She never had a doctor check me out because of it. Then, I was late in learning to speak and in finding words and forming sentences. Some of this I can still remember, as my stuttering until about age 8 -- my frustration, my mother's frustration and not being able to communicate.

My brain testing has been centered around my brain tumors found in my cerebellum and posterior cranial fossa. I don't suspect that any of these tumors have disrupted my thoughts, feelings and emotions in any significant way if, this is want you are questioning. A few months prior to my surgery, I was suffering serious symptoms (coma) due to the tumor/cyst mass pressing against my 4th ventricle.

The astrocytes themselves likely have caused a slight balance, coordination and muscle weakness for decades. These long term symptoms my surgery didn't resolve. Surgery simply removed the mass causing the pressure. Neither my mood nor other behaviors hadn't change after surgery. I was told that my tumor (or was this the pressure) had been disrupting my REM sleep.

In my early 20s, I knew that I couldn't switch guitar cords with my fingers nearly as fast as my sister could when we'd play guitars together. At age 54, I had some vocational testing done where they stated that my motor function speed was below normal. My movements are there -- they just seem to lag or briefly hesitate at times. I've had no fMRI testing.

I don't yet fully understand how my brain works … I think we've all still working on this one. LOL

Biofeedback none. Though I use to practice visualizing music. J. S. Bach fugues have a profound way of evoking my emotions and of altering my breathing along with some other classical music. Classical music can be like pure emotion void of the narrative. Within Bach's music there is some sort of interplay that's happening when visualizing the repeat patterns as geometric abstractions. And this would happen so very quickly that I'd have to abandon my intellect. I began to realize that this was draining me of energy and increasing my anxieties and so, I stopped doing it.

Just a few days ago, I was sitting on my front porch and had witnessed what I believe was a suicide by vehicle. I saw them drive their car directly into a guardrail at high speed. The moment they were in front of my house was their final moment to back out and hit the brakes. And they didn't. I immediately called 911 but I suspect, their were there just to cleanup. I was their car fly off the road, their tail-lights bounce and go out and the sound of their car ripping apart. It was dark by then and I think they planned it. Yet this has been bothering me and I never even knew this person. My mother and sister both died in an auto accident perhaps, this might be part of it. I don't know how the police nor other emergency workers deal with this as part of their job.
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