Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[BloomInWinter]

((((just)))))

If it was me, I'd consider calling the local media and asking them to cover this story.

Judges and State's Attorneys need to be 'retained' or voted in and they really shy away from bad press. Many Police Chiefs serve at the will of the Mayor and a Mayor hates google caching stories where they are 'soft on crime'...

As long as what you write on social media is the truth, it can provide sunlight protection. I've done it to two local departments and got them forced to do the right thing.

It's scary but it is an option.

I too never wanted to take sleeping pills. I have just over 20 years...and used to refuse but my body broke down from lack of sleep and the choice was taken out of my hands. My sponsor keeps me honest and truthfully, the dose I'm on doesn't give me any hangover. I don't feel nearly as sick all day as I did when I was getting no sleep.

A trauma psychologist friend helped me understand that, after years of little to no sleep and vigilance, my sleep system is too broken to fix itself, and hence needs to be forced into 'retraining'...

How I wished I had heard and heeded that message years ago before all the physical/mental damage.

Hope you give yourself permission to keep all options on the table. Mose sleep def helps.

...and it fits into the 'HALT' as well...taking cared od the 'Hungry Angry Lonely Tired' risk of relapse. Lack of sleep can and does cause emotional relapses.

Best of luck and hope you are doing better...

 

[justwannabeme]

20 years, thats great. My 24 years feels like a noose around my next lately.
I love that "sunlight protection" ..TY, I just got back from rescuing her keys, and found
where he hid her car. She is a single mom with three kids and is going to school in a Paralegal course.
She needs her car, I found it, the police couldn't, sometimes the vigilance comes in handy. lol
I know I need sleep, the night sweats are horid, the night mares are worse and the pain gets overwhelming...
So on the way home with my beautiful grand daughter..."nanny is that the first time he ever hit her, or is the first time he hit her in front of me...I hope its the first one". I just wanted to pull over and hug her. And to think he will probably be out on Monday! Don't piss me off dude, I am menopausal and have PTSD and your messin' with my one and only baby girl and grandbabies!

 

[BloomInWinter]

OMG apparently still not getting enough sleep to spell...

Sheesh!

Victim Services should be able to help with re-coreing deadbolt locks, buying motion detecting floodlights. Honesty with your neighbors, and a request they help keep an eye out is also helpful. As is teaching the kids a safety plan.

Also, there are programs to turn any computer's camera into a security cam. One for macs, called periscope, can be set to only turn on and take photos when detecting movement. It can send photos automatically to a flickr account. One can lock down a flickr acct or keep it public. Pointing it at the driveway, then having it on, and sharing that link via facebook and social media can provide many watchful eyes. As long as it is not recording sound, and not pointed publically, we can do this in the US...but check with legal to be sure.

My friends refer to me as "mad, bad, and dangerous to know."

LOL...yup, vigilance has some side benefits...

 

[justwannabeme]

My friends refer to me as "mad, bad, and dangerous to know."

TY I really needed that. ROTFL
Thanks for the tips, she lives in housing in Nova Scotia, we are lucky to have victim services!
They want to uproot them and put them in a shelter again, besides the fact everyone knows where it is, the one here was just shut down due to bed bugs. She is suppose to be in a secure building but he gets past the door. Keep him in jail and leave them alone. His record is long, he is toxic and on crack again. Hate to say it but domestics are not a prority here. I am glad I found this place, it is helping me understand that I am not such a freak and that I am probably not the only one at 1:30am eating popcorn because I just realized I worked all day, rescued two babies, a car and haven't eaten yet.

 

[The Albatross]

I have a weird relationship with my hypervigilence... it has warded off catastrophies and even bankrupcy because I picked up on deception in my present marriage at various times. I used it when I was a CNA, I could pick up subtle cues from people and report them early to the nurses getting the clients early intervention. I have even been a first responder, did a stint as a life guard... and felt pretty much "in my element". But I can relate to being triggered by a word, an aroma, a situation, physical pain, fright. And I can say that living this way for many years has been eventful but not comfortable or successful. Thanks for tipping me to this thread! Nice to meet you all.

Congratulations to Just Want To Be Me and Bloom In Winter... on your long term sobriety. I started recovery from alcohol about 10 years ago and got two good runs, but I had a change, and a couple breakthrough crisis'. At two years my first long term sobriety I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I just started getting REM sleep about three years ago... within about 6 months of getting enough oxygen, the nightmares started. Alcohol masked the apnea... and apnea prevented REM sleep (I stop breathing 27 times an hour for up to two minutes) which meant, no dreams. When I started getting forced air, I white knuckled through the dreaming... my doc said it created a log jam and to be patient, for a couple of years. But it is the same and when I realized I was having some excelleration of weird DID type experiences recently, began to abandon the doctor's opinion and reflect, looking for another possible answer. It wasn't until I hit on a dream of remote viewing working through the memories and trauma that I began to consider learning about and dealing with my PTSD. I tried for 3 decades to avoid. I've not been able to deal with the dreams/memory retrieval and stay alcohol free (lapse at 2 weeks to 4 weeks). I keep trying and have a seat in recovery... but not 3D because oldtimers here told me lovingly, that my issues were "other than alcohol" that booze is the maladaptive tool I use to try to control the situation with. They were right. So I'm doing online recovery and have found several people like me.

I don't know that I'll ever be able to be free from the ptsd... but if I can focus on anxiety reduction and put the thing into consciousness... and in words... I think it will be a big step forward.

Yeah... I am glad to have found others, who can describe what I've been living with... and I hope that I can lean on the experience and wisdom from the group to lead me out of the experiences of night terrors and move forward. I've prattled on about enough... please excuse me, I didn't stick to the topic very well. Just really relieved to meet you all.

 

[The Albatross]

Back briefly to decompress after taking the survey and I wanted to say... that though at times, my hypervigilance has really caused a lot of stress and anxiety... it's been an over all mixed bag and even saved my butt. I want to get a rational perspective, reach some balance and disarm the habit of using alcohol to manage the anxiety. Thoughts or tips to threads about this are welcome.

 

[BloomInWinter]

First for me, was just...noticing the anxiety. My sponsor told me to 'make friends with it'...so I'd just mindfully observe. Huh. My breathing is rapid and shallow. My heart is pounding. My mouth and lips are dry. Oh, hi there, anxiety. Why are you here right now?

...and just, listen to it speaking to me. Telling me what tripped it off.

Then I have to decide if what is triggering it is real, or just worry.

Noticing without piling on the judgement helps me tolerate it much better. So far, with no meds.

It's not easy but is IS a skill. It gets better with practice. Every time you are successful at just, being with it rather than running from it with alcohol or drugs, you gain mastery bit by bit. Until you finally trust yourself to know it won't kill you.

Not easy, though. Real friends whowe can speak to about it help.

 

[The Albatross]

Great points... I started wrapping my head around the idea that the anxiety is a "yellow flag" not a fight/flee/freeze that is gonna kill me about a year and a half ago. It is though, as you say a skill... and I'm not consistent with it yet. Thanks so much for your post.

 

[blueangel371115]

I know the feeling too. Sober six months, woot. I used to hide things. If I was drunk I was bulletproof. Or my ex's ranting didn't bother me or if he was drunk we wasn't so angry. I was safe. Now I'm learning to manage to use it as a skill also.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Am now using the hypervigilance as a wave I can 'surf' through the amnesia to access memories.

It's SO hard. I *HATE* how I feel in this state.

But at least I can make it work for me now...since I can't stop it.

 

[AmbulanceGirl21]

I've felt the same way. When I'm in hypervigilance I could hear a pin drop in the middle of the NY stock market. Nothing escapes me and I'm beyond jumpy. It sucks, and it happens often, crowds, at night, or if I'm just having a bad day.

 

[BloomInWinter]

UGH! In it AGAIN and I have to admit, it's the vigilance that drives me to want to self-medicate or take up my GP's offers of Xanax...

:(