Waiting To Decay

[OIF2Vet]

So my heart is pounding a million miles an hour just writing this.
I was deployed in 2003-2004 and spent the majority of my year in Fallujah. During my deployment I lived through daily mortar attacks. I also experienced MST which I've never admitted to another vet or even any of my friends.. This is a huge step for me. There was only one occasion that I witnessed someone killed and it was an ING (not a buddy) being hit in the head by a mortar. Though that was a close call for us as well, my squad made it out.
When I first returned from my deployment I couldn't get a grip on reality. I literally checked out mentally by taking whatever drugs I could get my hands on. knowing I couldn't continue living like that I cleaned up, but that just brought on all the problems I'd been avoiding. I was able to get by to a point, but couldn't get out of the cycle of getting a job, losing the job, and going homeless, living in friends cars and hostels. Finally a friend that worked at the VA told me I had PTSD and needed to get help. Even in my first C&P interview I again lied out of imbarrasment and guilt. I then even waited 3 years in fear of calling the VA to find out the outcome, even while being homeless. I finally called and found out I had been rated at 50% two years prior based off of my unit records.
Then the unimaginable happened and my best friend (the only person I've completely trusted) was killed in a hit and run..
This created a flood of symptoms increasing 10 fold in intensity.
The VA then rated me at 100%
I can hardly leave my house now and when I do I get sick at the thought of the world outside. I have to task out friends (not sure why they put up with me) to help me with getting groceries and such.
I also have guilt that I didn't lose my best friend in theater. I didn't lose a limb. I wasn't hit with shrapnel from the mortars.
My mom's husband asked about my time in Iraq last night and I freaked the f*ck out. I just completely lost control. Started screaming at him and banging the back of my head against the wall.. I wish I could say this was my only crazed outburst or my worst outburst, but it is not..
i feel like I'm just here decaying. Waiting to die and it's some sick joke that I'm forced to stay here because I can not hurt my mom by taking myself out. I pray at night when I'm too afraid to sleep that my heart stops beating during the night terror so I don't have to be so damn scared all the time..
Anyway that's my rant. Sorry it's so long. I just haven't shared these feelings to this extent to anyone before.
thank you for listening and hopefully maybe understanding. I feel extremely alone at the moment.

 

[Friday]

You're not alone. We're here. Scattered all over the damn world, in dozens of conflicts, in the very beginning or decades into having and dealing with PTSD, and we're right here with ya.

I ran hard and fast from the Marines when I got out. Cycled through private work, partying, homelessness. Round and round the merry go round. Hell, half the time I had more than enough money to live like a normal person, and simply couldn't. Paperwork on a lease? Pshaw. Ain't gonna happen. Took a long time, but I got a grip, had one for years and lost it again a few years back. I'd never faced the Beast, simply shouldered it aside and had a working truce with it, most of the time. Facing it now. Learning. Others had peace for decades, or were fighting the Beast for decades and didn't even know it. More than 15 years later, and I only just put a piece of the Marine Corps to bed the other week. <grin> Yeah, we're a stubborn damn bunch, in general. The guilt? The shame? The ideation? Running. Rage. Hopelessness. Fighting. Oblivion. Struggle. Yeah. We've been there. In spades. No way in hell are you alone.

Welcome home.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome here OIF2Vet, you're safe here now. Many people from all parts of the world, all with their own experiences.
Vent and make yourself at home.
Browse the archives at your leisure and feel free to ask what you can't find.

@Friday, beautifully put into writing.

 

[Sludge]

• You ain't gonna decay! We got guys and gals around here that have been dealing with the Beast since before I was born and they might be rotten (Talkin' to you Sarg, Ba, and ODG;)) but they ain't decayed.

Stick with us and things will get better.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome brother.
What can I say? Sounds like you've been through hell.
This forum has tons of info and has helped me tremendously through networking and understanding PTSD.
I too joined here when I didn't/couldn't leave the house and even present myself to buy smokes at the corner store.

 

[Sludge]

Welcome brother.
What can I say? Sounds like you've been through hell.
This forum has tons of info and has helped me tremendously through networking and understanding PTSD.
I too joined here when I didn't/couldn't leave the house and even present myself to buy smokes at the corner store.

Listen to the Doc. Doc knows all.

 

[atilla]

Welcome home Brother, you're definitely not alone here. Were all in the same leaky friggin boat. Grab a bucket and start bailing. We stick together man, thats how we make it Bro.

 

[JarHed]

Welcome to the Forums. Ya' know this time of year can be especially hard. We're all supposed to be happy and stuff but most are not. Having PTSD can make it even worse. Best present, you found this place. There are good caring people here and tons of info, and you're not alone. I echo what everyone has said. It takes a while to get on track and time to work at getting better. Give that to yourself, you've already made the first big step by coming here and looking for some support and help. Just take it slow but keep moving forward.

JarHed

 

[OIF2Vet]

Thank you all. After waking up from night terrors I read what you all responded and found comfort in everyone's words. I don't think I mentioned that this is my first Christmas with my family since 2002. I'm going to do everything I can to stay sane and make sure my family has a good Christmas. Hope all of you are doing okay today too.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Welcome.

Fellow oif'er here. If you ever need to vent, here's the place. Or if you need a one on one chat anyone here will take and reply to a pm. Holidays are shit for all us veterans. Thankfully it's almost over!

 

[Sarg]

All your symptoms are known to most of us. The good news is you're cutting through the thick ice, the bad news is the ice never ends. But we can learn to live with it. The secret is to find a guide. I suffered the VA psyche system for over forty years. Then I was talked into going to Vet Center Group meetings. My group became my guide. Then I went to private providers and learned more about my illness and ways of dealing with it in the last four years than I ever had before.

Do not suffer alone. Isolation, when taken to it's extreme is fatal. Seek out counseling now. Be it VA, Vet Center or if you can afford it, private. You can do it the way we Nam Vets did, but I don't recommend it, our scars are deep and hurt. Today, you have far more resources than we did, use them.

And, as you can see, there's a bunch here that have your back, use us.

Sarg

 

[OIF2Vet]

Sarg,
First I want to say I have the upmost respect for you and all Nam vets. I can't imagine what you guys came home to. I had been begging the VA for a one on one counselor for years and just last month they granted my wish. However the whole exposure therapy thing scares the shit out of me. She's already induced a depressive episode. I'm glad I found this place though. It's the first time I've opened up to other vets and not felt ashamed.