Waking Up Screaming...what Do I Do?

[Fated Shadow]

So three days ago I had my first flashback/panic attack in a while. I have been having bad nightmares too. I keep trying to keep myself busy via planning my future wedding with my future bride along with various other things but it seems things are just getting worse.

This morning I woke up screaming I was in tears confused to where I was for a little while heart racing had one of the swords I keep by my bed in hand partially unsheathed in a defensive position. It is the same nightmare when I do manage to sleep. Always the same and the same with flashbacks. I haven't had flashbacks in two years and nightmares have been rare but now its been daily with the nightmares once I do manage to fall asleep. I guess I should say what happened to explain things a little better.

I had a previous engagement when I was younger my first fiance was one of the most beautiful woman I ever knew an there was an incident that lead to me watching her die in front of me. There was blood everywhere all over my hands, my arms, my clothes from me holding her in my arms as she spoke her last words. I fought our attackers as best as I could and I did manage to cause plenty of damage but it was for nothing because she died in my arms. Just laying there in my arms she said how much she loved me even with the pain she must have been in and then just died. She left me all alone in this world just died right there. I ended up dying shortly after from my heart suddenly stopping but when paramedics got there I was brought back after about five minutes.

That is one of the two things that lead to me having PTSD the other being having one of my closest friends commit suicide in front of me two months later because of his sister dying he just jumped and all that could be heard was a sickening thud.

Both of these are in my nightmares and the recent flashback was the day she died. I thought I had moved on from this that I was mostly free besides a nightmare here and there had not had a flashback in two years and suddenly the other day it happened and I attacked people during it. That scares me I was trained for years in martial arts and became an instructor myself so I am dangerous and it scares me to hurt someone during a flashback.

I thought everything is fine I, have a new fiance, it is actually my first fiance's sister and I know that sounds weird but we were there for each other after those deaths and took care of each other plus she took the time to know how to handle living with someone with PTSD. Everything was going well and we were planning our wedding which is gonna be in about a year from now since she wants it in the spring. Now I am thinking of canceling it or at least putting it off indefinitely because I am worried about myself and even more worried that I could hurt her.

What should I do? I was doing so well and now this.

 

[desiderata310]

Think it might be stress induced?

It's not like planning for a wedding is all tea and roses. It's stressful and life changing.

Got a therapist? Talk to him/her.

Don't put off the wedding.

Just my two cents worth...

 

[Fated Shadow]

I have talked to him it he believes that I am suffering from normal anxiety related to the planning but also that I am thinking of my first fiance more because I was supposed to marry her and now I am marrying someone else which is then causing the trigger. Plus in a lot of ways my current fiance reminds me of her obviously because they were sisters. Don't take that wrong they are different in their own ways but still she does remind me of her sister.

Anyways I have talked to her and she is gonna take care of more aspects of the wedding. She is being real supportive but it makes me feel bad because she is already working full time and now she is trying to take on more. I feel as though I am burdening her further than she has been by my PTSD but she keeps telling me it is okay.

My therapist also believes I should stop trying to worry about my father so much because he is an adult. You see he has PTSD from his time in the USAF and he has an alcohol problem on top of it. I take care of him, his finances his lawyer fees drive him to all of his appointments and make sure his house is somewhat clean and taken care of but if I don't no one will except people who have stolen from him when they took care of him and he doesn't handle money well with the alcoholism.

He (my therapist) has told me I put the weight of the world on my shoulders and that even with the stress of the wedding planning it should be a happy time to a degree and that taking care of a grown man who doesn't want to help himself is something I don't need. Those two stresses combined with working all the time and of course thinking about my first fiance which can't be helped is all combining to become a trigger.

I don't want to admit he is right but I know he is but I don't know what to do about my father's situation and I have to work and can never let go of my first fiance if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here now. Her memories though have become tainted again with the sins of my past for not protecting her instead of being happy like they were for the past two years.