Waking Up To One Of "those" Days...

[matthios]

Do you know the ones I'm talking about? Nothing in particular is scheduled to happen. Nothing happens.

Yet, no matter what happens, your first and last thought before passing back out are "here's hoping I die in my sleep tonight." I've had these, without fail, for the last six months straight. And they've been more-frequent than not for most of the last, oh, decade or so. Now this isn't to say I *also* get the whole "ok, let's make a list of fifteen ways to kill myself along with all of the legal documents I'll have to prepare. Oh, right, and the calendar- when is it most convenient to catch the bus?"

I don't so much have a question, just wanted to put it out there. Who else knows these all too well?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I consider your post a cry for help. Suicide is not an option for me. I made that choice after I tried to kill myself. I got scared and wanted to live.

But I remember waking up so many days not wanting to face the day. I hope you take these thoughts and feelings into therapy and discuss them with your therapist. You need help and support now.

Hang on and do not give up. Do not get a peaceful feeling about killing yourself. Call a hot line, post on here and rant and vent and get it out of you. You are a person of worth and value. There is a future and a hope for you. Someday you will feel better as long as you keep working on yourself. It is not your fault. There is healing ahead for you.

I went through many hellish years and my symptoms have been reduced greatly. I am doing emdr right now and it has proved a life changing experience for me. Big hugs. Take good care of you.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi matthios, Belated Welcome and please keep posting. There are many members
who have been where you are. Be patient with yourself, you deserve to find the answer and the solution.

Are you doing a diary that might give yourself insight of this recurring?

 

[matthios]

You can consider it anything you like- I can't stop you... but there isn't anything cry-for-help about it.

Therapy is for those with insurance, money, or a state that doesn't want to kill them. In my case, S.O.L.
Hotlines are utterly worthless. I encourage you to call one and see what use they serve. The only thing they've been known to do is a) nothing or b) good way to end up handcuffed, beaten, and locked up.

 

[Hashi]

matthios, regarding your reply above, even though it wasn't a response to me I have to say... ouch. I don't know what you intended and I'm not speaking for anyone else, only myself. To me, your response felt a bit too sharp considering that someone was trying to help and be supportive. That's what we're all trying to do here, alongside dealing with our own struggles and vulnerabilities. I think it's possible to disagree with someone's thoughts/suggestions while still letting them know that you appreciate their effort to help and the thought behind it (if that's the case).

Regarding your original post, I think although there may be no actual events on any particular day, my overall situation is still there and very present for me. Some days this gets to me more than others. This may not even be on a conscious level, but some days I feel more hopeful of getting to a better life situation, other days I just see me dragging myself through forever.

So even if there's no one event, there's still the one big "event" and my ability to deal with this varies from day to day. In fact, not having things happen to put my focus on/explain the way I'm feeling probably makes this variation more noticeable to me, without having a clear reason for it.

 

[Britt.f7]

I've been there Matthios. Where I would go to bed and pray that I would not wake up in the morning. I would say a seemingly harmless child's prayer, one that I always thought was a little dark to begin with, but I would say it over and over. Then the morning would come and I would wonder what I was still doing here. Sometimes I wonder that now, but I am not as hopeless as I once felt.

There are online support groups. There might even be a support group for mental health, depression, or ptsd in your area. Those are free groups. If you believe in church, some of your local churches may have groups or counseling sessions. You can call your local hospital and ask for suggestions, they might have something. There are places that charge a reduced fee for those who do not have insurance or the means to pay for a therapist. Yes, this may involve a lot of searching and calling around, but your life truly is worth it, even if it doesn't seem that way right now.