Walking A Fine Line

[Jline]

So much for 2 weeks, I blew it. My friend came over and we had wine and pot at the river. It was a lot of fun.... I should have just gone home afterward. Have to start over I guess. My bad.....Fu#k

 

[Jline]

Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a while. I hadn't patched for 3 days and I could feel the difference in myself. Everything felt pointless and I started to obsess again. I felt I let everyone down....I did let HIM down and myself. Trying to be strong and not drink is so hard for me. It's just a stupid habit and I ripped myself up yesterday because of my lack of control. I just need to fuc#in chillax a bit. I don't have a job right now...thats part of the problem I guess...too much time on my hands. I have lorazepam in my purse for when things get too much but I never take them.... "just tough it out" I tell myself. I made sure to patch last night and am feeling better today. At least the thoughts of suicide are fleeting and not swallowing me up anymore.....

 

[Jline]

The other night my ears were so itchy I couldn't sleep, this usually means something is going to happen.... and of course my daughters parrot died. It was a tough day, she was pretty devastated, I was a bit sad but I get a little numb when things like that happen, had to be strong for her.

I haven"t been drinking, doing pretty good in that department now that I had a long talk with myself... at least the voice in my head is my own haha. I went rock climbing the other day, did pretty good, first climb for me this year. Jumped on a 10b top rope and cruised it, was happy, just love that adrenaline rush. Made me regret not going out sooner. I sure can feel how out of shape I have gotten...damn, I literally used to run up and down mountains without losing breath, the hike in and out was harder than the climb. Fun day!

I have continued to patch and it has all the benefits of Valium without the addiction... still have em in my purse though.... thats about it for now.

Have a really good day everyone, peace

 

[Artista]

Glad you went climbing!!! Must have been just the thing ya needed! Hard or not. So good to hear what's going on and how you are feeling! I hope it continues!(been itching to sky dive)

 

[James B.]

Jumped on a 10b top rope and cruised it, was happy

That is so awesome Jline! 10b isn't exactly "easy" IMO. I continue patching too. Thanks for the inspiration. Glad to hear you're feeling good. :smile:

 

[Jline]

Thanks for your responses guys. I haven't been on here in a while... Artista, i just love those pics of you skydiving, they just make me happy :) talk about adrenaline!!! It's very cool James that you know what a 10b means haha, I am always so hard on myself.... when I was at my peak I was lead climbing in the 12's. sport not trad. I missed the window here for getting back to leading, don't think I will ever climb as hard as I used to but I still love to get my fix. Your camping trip, pics, really helped me get my ass of the couch so thanks for that!!!

I am an artist but have had a terrible struggle with having an art show because of PTSD....just can't handle crowds or being the center of attention so I just put a couple of paintings in a popular clothing store. I feel pretty good about it as it allows my art to be seen without me having to deal with a full on art show. I have no price on the pieces but have it that a buyer can contact me through email or call me. I hope people enjoy them....

Peace to all, have a good day everyone.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

J,

I understand the centre of attention thing. It's one of the hardest parts for me - the absolutely crippling stage fright that makes you begin to believe that you can't ever 'get up there' again like you used to be able to. However darling, it would be a real shame for the world to not see the immense talent which I know you have! Mwah!

-Jen

 

[Jline]

Your a sweetheart Jen. Baby steps for me I guess....I could do a whack of valium and wear my pirate patch, lol .....maybe then I could make it through haha

Hope everyone is having a good day!! Peace*

 

[Jline]

I am in BC right now at my moms house. It is very peaceful here and I am loving the break from the city. I haven't drank in over a week and am feeling pretty good about that. I have also cut way back on my smoking.... down to about 8 smokes a day, huge for me as I usually smoke around half a pack to a pack a day. I haven't been doing my patching lately, just sort of slipped my mind but I am feeling pretty good. My wonderful mom and dad are going to pay for me to see a therapist and I hope to benefit from the experience... I am a little scared lol I think it is the right time for me to go see a T as I have a better sense of myself and feel more able to open up. Not drinking has put me much more in focus. I am here indefinitely and am really going to try and bring on the healing, lol. I haven't been on the forum in a while..... I hope everyone is doing well.

Peace, J

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jline,

It is wonderful to hear you are doing much better and you are blessed to have supportive parents.

Starting therapy is a big step, but the payoff is work it.

Best Wishes

ITL

 

[James B.]

Nice to hear from you Jline. Am very glad to hear you're doing well.

 

[Artista]

Hey lady! Great news... was so hoping you would find a way to see a T. I think it will be more productive and help ya get right with what you want and need. Glad to hear about the easing up on the drinkin!! In the end... nice to feel ya don't need to. I am so happy to hear you are in a supportive environment!! I haven't been on as much either but you and so many others here are in my thoughts quite often.

Keep us posted on the T hunt and how it goes!! Take the time to pick out a few to have an initial consult and choose from your gut feelings of trust and comfort...even environment! A good therapist takes that all into account. You are worth the right fit!!!!! ((((hugs))))