Want To Die

[beancat]

I am so ashamed of myself. It is a beautiful spring day out, I have a job, a boyfriend, a cat, and a few good friends but all I want to do is die. The pain of childhood abuse and a sexual assault have become too much for me and I have constant day dreams of me killing myself, but the absurd thing is I still get out of bed and go to work and kill myself to get good grades in school and try to have a social life. I wear a mask all the time and so when it mounts up I let my anger out on my very amazing boyfriend and I am losing him. I have a very small support group and don't really know how to reach out to people. I am always afraid of having a breakdown somewhere like school or a coffee shop. I won't kill myself (I don't think) because there is no way to do it where others won't be effected but if I could choose to simply cease to exist, I would. This is scary because I have felt many of these things before, but I was able to use these feelings to motivate myself to improve and get better. Now I literally have no hope for the future. I am ambivalent to everything. I have appointments with both a counselor and psychiatrist coming up and in the past, the action of doing something was enough to lift my mood and make me feel like I was making progress but I don't feel this anymore. I feel numb or angry or sad or lonely. I wish I could say I want to change how I feel and try to have a positive outlook because I know that will help me get better but I don't even feel like I want to or can get better. Losing hope fast.

 

[Born to Run]

I am very sorry for you that you are so depressed. I think it is hopeful that you still made appointments with both counselor and psychiatrist. There is hope, also for you. I now depression and wanting to be just dead, it is awful, but it is really possible to turn this around. Please accept your feelings for what they are, they are nothing to be ashamed of even if on the outside you seem to have several positive aspects in your life. I hope you have these appointments soon, and if not maybe you could call them and see if you can see them sooner due to your current condition. Take care so much.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't want to die, but I am feeling like I would rather not live in this world right now- like I want to hide away. So much of what you said resonates with me. The best advice I can offer is to try to force yourself to find something you enjoy doing and to do that. I need to do the same. I know what I enjoy, but haven't had time or made time for it lately. Writing and talking can help a lot too. I hope something changes for you soon so you can regain some hope.

 

[beancat]

Thank you both for your kind words, it means a lot to me that strangers will step up to help. JEKBreatheandBelieve, do you struggle with lashing out at loved ones? If so, have you found a more effective way to communicate with them your feelings, because I am having trouble with this.

 

[Louise1988]

@beancat I empathise so much with what you have written here. Right now I am feeling to anxious to write anything coherent, but I will watch the thread and come bad to it later :)

 

[falling_wave]

I can relate to so much of what you said. I have a full time professional job and am in grad school. I rarely miss a day and am an A student. The depression is so strong though and I feel invisible to everyone around me because of it. I also don't have much of a support network. I think internally we must know what will get us where we need to be and cling to that but something needs to help ease the pain for now. I'm fighting strong depression right now. My T and I came up with a list for when I feel hopelessly depressed. It's this:
Take action steps (for me finding a new place to live but whatever things you need to do to move on)
Talk to myself as I would a friend literally talking to myself as if I was responding to the pain of someone I cared about.
Positive distractions (I had a really awful emotional day today but I willed myself out to the movies by myself and got a jigsaw puzzle, a book, and coloring books to distract myself)
Saying stop in your mind when thoughts spiral to worst case scenario
and exercise.
it's been helping me a lot especially looking at the list helps me find something I can do for myself.

Hugs I hope you feel better! !

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I too can relate, not wanting to end my life but feeling overwhelmed and without hope, tired of fighting everything, the pain, the feelings the pure exhaustion of sometimes getting out of bed. When I feel this way, I try to distract myself with things that bring me joy, even little things like looking at pictures of my kids, watching a movie that makes me laugh, reading or just sitting on my porch, feeling the sun on my face. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about, given the trauma you unfortunately faced in your life. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate the beautiful things and people you have in your life now. Going numb is a coping mechanism, one that you picked up to survive. You are doing your best, keep telling yourself this. You are reaching out for help, that is incredibly brave and shows you want more.

 

[Friday]

The truth is that it can get much worse. Fail out of school, burn the bridges with your friends and loved ones, and become completely nonfunctional.

You can also get much better. In mood, relationships, accomplishment.

It has nothing to do with hope. You only have 3 options. Stay as you are, get worse, or get better. You don't need hope to get better. Hope just happens to feel good. It's hard work that changes things. Not hope. Hope is a feeling that comes and goes just like all other emotions. Losing it? Not something to be afraid of. Screw hope. You've got something a helluva lot better: you're brave. You do the right thing, even when you're scared to, and even when it's not what you want to do. That's courage. You don't even want to be doing the things that will make you better... And you're still forcing yourself forward. Still getting up, still showing up. Numb, angry, sad, depressed, scared... And you're still working your ass off. That's chutzpah. That's ballsy. That's strength. And it will pay off. Because it's hard work that will get you through the dark times. Not sitting in the dark doing nothing but hope.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have a different take on hope.

I think hope is a very good thing. Hope is what got me through a sh!tty childhood. Hope is what pushes me through the hard times. Then again, maybe my sense of hope is different than others. My hope isn't just blind hope. I don't sit in a dark room and merely hope for things to get better. The hope is alive because I also have the drive to get better. Hope helps to provide the motivation to work hard on getting better. That is, hope isn't just wishful thinking. My "hope" is the belief.....err, scratch that, my hope is the KNOWLEDGE that I will indeed get better. No, I can't control the future 100%, but I KNOW that I am moving in a positive direction. I may have periods of waxing and waning hope, but in the core of who I am, my hope never dies.

If your hope helps pull you through and gives you the drive to change, then fight like he!! to hold on to that hope. It can be an incredibly motivating force in your life.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

JEKBreatheandBelieve, do you struggle with lashing out at loved ones?

That's a complicated question for me to answer. The short answer is yes. That's how I first realized that I had PTSD. I have since discovered that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Sometimes I lash out in anger and sometimes my "angry" alter does. I have learned a few tricks- learn the triggers- what happens before you lash out. When those things are happening, learn what it feels like (I feel like I am going to explode- I can sense it now). I leave the room. I tell my husband or kids I need a break. When my kids are being excessively silly in the tub for example, I know I can't handle it. So I let my husband bathe the boys and if I still feel triggered, I listen to my iPod until they're done.

Also, when I do lash out, I have gotten a lot better at explaining why I think it happened and how sometimes I really don't mean for it to happen. My husband is understanding a lot more. My kids are 3 and 6 so they don't really get it, but I do apologize and try to explain a little. Does that help at all?