General Wanting to Feel Better

[Police Spouse]

My husband is a police officer and has been diagnosed with ptsd. After getting a posting to a homicide investigation unit, his first big investigation nearly two years ago was the murder of a fellow police officer and one of our closest friends by a known drug trafficker. While our family was preparing to go spend thanksgiving with his family, the call came into our home of his death, he has left behind a wife and infant daughter. My husband was sent to work on this file, being the only one to be a witness in all 6 upcoming trials for the suspect this coming fall (just to give you an idea of the extent of his involvement).

I was pregnant with our second child at the time, and spent most of this pregnancy alone at home with our eldest son, new to town and worried. It's been nearly two years...I lost my dad 6 months ago and in the past two months my husband and best friend cheated on me while away on a two week homicide course with another married police officer who he had newly met at that time. There is no reason he should cross paths with her ever again, she is in a different police service....but the affair lasted all week, and they had continued to communicate via email and phone for a month after.

This is not an action my husband would ever do. We had such a wonderful connection. It was our 6 year anniversary yesterday, and the 12 year anniversary of our first date. I can't get the picture of him with another woman out of my mind, questions burn my thoughts late into the night. Will this happen again...he is not better from ptsd, what is he thinking? Can I get our connection back? Will he still be the man I married when we put this behind us?

My husband is like no other man on this earth, he has always given me the unquestionable confidence in our relationship and in it's strength, it was the marriage you dream of. Our passion, connection, friendship and chemistry were off the charts. When we make love it still is...or is he hiding his true thoughts from me?

How do I get the thoughts of his affair out of my mind, so that I can be the wife and support he needs to get through this. I feel so much pressure, I'm the strong one, I am the primary caretaker of our three and 15 month old sons, I have to also put dads death behind me and accept that as well as deal with his daily depressive episodes which leave me feeling so doubtful of our marriage and everything I believed in so strongly at one point. What happended to us? Is it truely PTSD that allowed him to do the unthinkable act with another woman numerous times in the two weeks of being away and the month of communication with her? Is there something wrong with our marriage and connection as well as the ptsd, is that why it happened?

The feelings I am having are so overwhelming, it affects my parenting, it hurts so much, I need some relief.

 

[Shoka]

Dear Police Spouse,

I am genuinely sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Perhaps you should consider getting some professional support for yourself as it sounds like what you have experienced is affecting your life and your abilities.

In my understanding of PTSD, it doesn't automatically make someone an adulterer, or a liar, etc. etc. I do know that having PTSD can change someone's perceptions, they can have negative filters and warped thinking (like a warped lense through which one sees the world.) If adrenaline is his deal, then one could argue that having a risky interlude at a conference could get his adrenaline "fix" going.

It really depends on the person. Not all people with PTSD have all of the same symptoms all of the time. You didn't mention in your post whether or not you husband has been officially diagnosed with PTSD. Has that happened? Is he getting help for it?

I recommend you look at the thread entitled "How PTSD affects relationships" (if that is not the exact thread title, then it's similar to that). IT's really good information to become familiar with. Also there is a whole section of educational articles regarding PTSD and a separate one for carers.

In general, there are some couples that can never get over an affair, and others who do work through it. What are your boundaries on this? Personally, my bf and I have had a discussion that there is never a time between us when one of us stepping outside of our monogomy would be acceptable. We have a "no-slip" policy that we have verbalized and understand. He knows that I would not accept his PTSD as a reason for cheating on me, ever. I know that he wouldn't accept my cheating on him (due to the stress of being a carer- or whatever reason).

One truly positive thing that having a loved one with PTSD has done for me is to make me strengthen my personal boundaries, what I will accept and what I won't accept in a relationship. Prior to meeting my bf, I know that my previous relationships had overly felxible boundaries. In the past I didn't stand up for myself or take care of myself emotionally as much as I have to in this relationship. Those relationships failed, in part ( not totally) to my lack of assertion of my needs and boundaries. I'm grateful that has changed for me.

I hope that you can find the relief you are seeking and a peaceful resolution to your situation. The forum is a rich source of information and support.

Shoka

 

[Ann54]

Hello Police Spouse

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you because I understand how you feel. My husband is a serial cheater and now he has ptsd. I can clearly remember the first time he cheated, I thought my world as I knew it had ended, visions of them together were always on my mind and I couldn't shift them. My biggest question was 'why?' and then blamed myself, I'm not pretty enough, intelligent enough, witty enough, the list was endless. He had no answers. That was a long time ago and there have been many since, through the years I changed, I lost who I was, the sparkle left me, and life seemed like an endless drudge. I would walk through the streets and see someone I knew my husband would be attracted to and wonder if he'd been there already. If we went out I would watch him in case his head turned to someone attractive.

I have told you my story because first and foremost you need to know it is NOT your fault, it has nothing to do with the way you look, act, talk, laugh etc, this is him, not you. PTSD is NOT an excuse to have an affair, he chose to do this all by himself. You have a choice now whether or not you want to stay married to him and will you ever trust him again. Trust is the key word because without it you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder as I have and believe me, it's not a nice place to be in. If you have decide you want to stay then you need to talk, again, PTSD is NOT an excuse NOT to talk. Lay down your bounderies and make them crystal clear. After that it will take time to heal. Sometimes an affair can highlight a problem and marriages become stronger for it, it doesn't mean it's the end because of it. But make sure when you make your decision it's the right one.

I hope this helps :Hug_emoticon: