Wanting To Run..

[PTSDbegone]

I've been seeing my current therapist for a few months now. She is great, and I think she could probably help me. All I keep thinking about is leaving her though, and ending therapy. It wouldn't be the first time. I have done that before with my previous therapist. I get to this point where things are starting to shift, and I am just starting to feel feelings. Then I just want to shut down again. I am trying so hard not to run from her. She knows me well enough already to know that's what I want to do. She is trying hard to not let me slip away. I feel so lost and confused. A part of me wants to run, and a part of me knows I need to stay. It feels like a constant battle going on inside me.


I am sure many of you understand, and have been in this situation before. I think I just need to know that this is sort of normal.

 

[digger]

I think I just need to know that this is sort of normal.

Well it's my sort of normal.....not sure how reassuring that is though ;)

I think when you've spent your life protecting yourself from feeling things, starting to allow yourself to do so feels counterintuitive at times and scary.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I definitely think it's normal, I have felt it with every therapist I have seen! It's like, "I know I need you but I'm scared of saying TOO much, almost, I am scared of you, will you help me or not?" or something..?

 

[Chava]

It's normal. I've wanted to quit many times and I like my therapist and also think the form of therapy is a very good fit. It's good your therapist knows because this is something you can work on....staying. My therapist usually just says something like, "Now probably isn't the best time to quit" and responded some to the normalcy of my level of stress...so basically not telling me I can't, but encouraging me to stick it out....because I always want to quit when I'm feeling more or confused. So no, not a good time to quit therapy.

The act of staying has been healing in itself. Leaving would just allow me to reinforce every negative belief about myself...that I'm not worth help, I'm a burden, I'm too messed up, my therapist doesn't want to deal with my crazy sh*t...and all the shame just stays there.

If it feels like you want to quit frequently, maybe you can slow down? I'm not sure. For me it felt like a good sign, in hindsight that I wanted to quit (oh, I did quit several times but my therapist had that "Now probably isn't the best time to quit"). In weak therapy or therapy that wasn't a good fit for me, I was just sort of "meh" :meh:...take it or leave it. It was easy to show up every week because I didn't let the therapist know me at all. I sort of talked about work and stared at the floor. The wise part of myself quit that kind of therapy, found my current therapist, has wanted to quit, but has ultimately stayed. That's very healing in itself. Because I'm allowing myself to feel uncomfortable but not reject myself and my therapy. I'm willing to stay feeling somewhat...and stay connected to someone (that's very scary, but very healing if I don't give up in the moments I want to out of fear).

Hang in there. It's great you have a therapist that understands.

 

[PTSDbegone]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

@Chava I could have written your post myself. Thank you so much. I know exactly where you are coming from.

Thanks again everyone for the support. I sent her an email saying I will indeed go back to her again. What a crazy roller-coaster of emotions!

 

[Chava]

Excellent! You won't regret it. I really appreciate that my therapist isn't personally insulted when I say I want to quit, but also doesn't beg me to stay. She treats it more as a normal thing and understands it's one of my defaults when really frustrated or ashamed or whatever. The work then is simply to not quit...and there's a lot of growth in just sticking through those points.

 

[Rumors]

Chava, you nailed how I feel too.... I am in the midst of similar peril and had actually cancelled my appointment for this week thinking I just needed to be done because it sucks too hard to feel so freaking bad and not be able to put words to what I am feeling. I just want to run, bury my head in the sand, and live out whatever meaningful/un meaningful life I have left and if I self destruct, screw it