Warning: This Is A Vent!

[Smile]

I keep pushing myself to do the smallest, stupidest tasks and it all ends up in vain.

*I applied for disability, was just denied.

* I applied to Foodstamps, welfare ect. Was supposed to have a phone interview within 60 days. A bunch of phone tag. So now I've lost that and need to re-apply.

* I was told by my dentist a few months ago that I need 2 root canals. Finally went to a specialist here and she said I need 3. She's gonna do 1 at a time and she's a professor at college so the students will do the cap and she'll supervise (it's cheaper). Had first root canal last week (yay me) & have appt for cap in 2 weeks. Today, the root canal tooth cracked. So I have to go see her tomorrow

* I had a T appointment today which he cancelled on last minute. Meaning I drive 45 minutes, wasting gas, for nothing.

It's like all this hard work I do to get stuff done is not good enough and now I have to try to find the strength to do it all over again! And I HATE that I have to prove I'm "disabled"! I know I shouldn't take it personally but their decision is messing with my head. They say I may "feel" as though I'm unable to work but I really can. So then I think maybe I'm just being lazy.aube I'm just not pushing myself hard enough. Do I need to be hospitalized to prove my shakiness??? I'm a great faker and people cant even usually tell when I'm in middle of a panic attack.

I ceel like I can't take care of myself. There's jut too much! I shouldn't b an adult yet. Ahhhhh!

Any advice/suggestions/sympathy would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for all the negativity... That's just where I am at the moment.

And in the back of my mind is always this niggling thought: is it fair to spend money on myself when there's a chance I might just die/suicide soon anyway? I'm not suicidal but it's starting more and more to seem like the only feasible way out of this craphole my mind has created

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you need to be hospitalized to prove your shakiness? ehhh....let's just say it didn't hurt my case. In between application and approval, which was about a 5 month span, I was in the hospital for 2 months. But no, it wasn't a ploy to get approved. It just happened that way. They must've been like "oh this girl is a lost case, just approve her and let her be on her way" as I didn't even have an interview.

As for food stamps? Social services is NOTORIOUS for not getting back to you for anything, even if you call them 15 times. Sometimes they will only give you ONE callback, and then drop you because you didn't pick up the phone. Gotta love it. yes, it is a pain in the ass to have to drag your butt into their office repeatedly, but I go through this every year when I'm up for renewal of my supplementary medicare and foodstamps. I'd say heck with it if it was just for the foodstamps, as I'm at the bottom end and an increase in income on Jan 1st may bump me off permanently, but the supplementary medicare is worth its weight in gold as my medical costs are $0 unless I go out of network.

If you really are that great at faking it, that may be working against you. If the severity of your condition isn't reflected in your medical records, that is, doctors see you as put together, regardless of your diagnosis, then it's going to be harder to get approved. I'm not saying that you should lie, but this is the one time you need to be completely honest about the severity of your issues. After that you can go back to attempting to keep it all together just so that people think you're "normal"....well, that's why I do it anyway.

 

[Spiderallis]

Please please please call your T or someone else who can help with those thoughts of suicide- even if you don't think you'll act on it, it's still a big sign that your T should be aware of so they can help you.

It's pretty standard for disability applications to be denied- don't give up, file an appeal and look into getting a lawyer to help with your case. You deserve that, don't let them tell you otherwise.

The case workers who deal with foodstamps are notorious for dodging calls. Their favorite trick in my area is to schedule phone interviews, never call, then send out a letter that you missed the appointment. Going into the office or calling their supervisor can work wonders.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's not in vain. I know it seems like it's a waste of time, but you are worth it. Keep that in mind, you are worth the work you're doing. It's for you, and you are worth it. :hug:

 

[Smile]

If you really are that great at faking it, that may be working against you. If the severity of your condition isn't reflected in your medical records, that is, doctors see you as put together, regardless of your diagnosis, then it's going to be harder to get approved. I'm not saying that you should lie, but this is the one time you need to be completely honest about the severity of your issues. After that you can go back to attempting to keep it all together just so that people think you're "normal"....well, that's why I do it anyway.

I know... I just don't know how to be honest about how I feel! I know it sounds ridiculous but I only recently realized how good of a faker I am. I've been doing it my whole life that I just don't know HOW to react any other way without feeling like I'm lying

 

[Smile]

Please please please call your T or someone else who can help with those thoughts of suicide- even if you don't think you'll act on it, it's still a big sign that your T should be aware of so they can help you.

I am petrified to tell the whole truth and nothing but... even to my T. Because in the back of my mind I know he has the ability to admit me to the hospital... Which just scares the hell out of me.

I think I'll just email him a copy of my post here... Does that make sense?

Their favorite trick in my area is to schedule phone interviews, never call, then send out a letter that you missed the appointment. Going into the office or calling their supervisor can work wonders.

That's exactly what they did to me! Great idea to contact supervisor... Do you know how I would find that information out?

It's not in vain. I know it seems like it's a waste of time, but you are worth it. Keep that in mind, you are worth the work you're doing. It's for you, and you are worth it. :hug:

Thank you for your kind words. Means so much when I'm dealing with a world of cold hard bureaucracy. I'll work on trying to believe it :)

 

[Spiderallis]

@Smile Giving your T a copy of this post is a great idea. T's don't like making people go to hospitals, but they need to know what's going on to be able to help.

I think the phone number you'll need for the foodstamps problem will be on the website for your state's Department of Human Services. Ask for customer service or a supervisor when you call and have all your paperwork ready. My last T used to help me with that, I think she skipped calling the branch office (the local one) and just called the main headquarters in or near the state capital.

 

[Smile]

@Spiderallis, thank you so much!!

 

[Smile]

Hey guys. Just thought it would be nice to give you an update. I did email parts of this post (blurred out names) to my T. We spoke about it in next session. He said you guys give some great advice so kudos to you :)

The session made me feel very very uncomfortable. I didn't like it but I suppose that means it was good for me. Pushing my limits and all.

Overall I think the most positive thing to come out of it was that my T realizes more about how I have issues with being open & honest.

So thanks :)