angelica pickles
New Here
Okay, so first off I have no clear memories of the abuse occurring. I actually have what I would consider a fairly excellent memory. I can remember lots of detailed things/moments going back as far as before being potty-trained and learning to be potty-trained. My issue comes in that looking back at my childhood, I see a lot of weird unusual signs that could point to being sexually molested or abused. I don't know where to start..so here I go.
But firts, my question is...should I be seeking answers if something happened? Am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Does this sound like sexual abuse to you? And is it real if I don't have memories/can't remember?
1. Excessive masturbation
I remember stimulating myself all the time. I would never touch my own skin because it felt "dirty" or "wrong", but I would touch myself through my underwear, hump toys/stuffed animals, pillows, or long objects (my mother's twirling batton and pencils between my legs). I would masturbate so much my legs/lower region turned raw. I remember my mom taking me to our neighbor who was a nurse to look at me because she was concerned of the blue/purple coloring I had. I remember her looking at me and thinking I got raw through excessive masturbation, but I don't know if something else could have happened too.
2. Public masturbation
I vividly remember touching myself in the 1st grade. I remember my first-grade teacher calling on me, just looking at me, and saying, "....do you need to go to the bathroom?" I'll never forget knowing I was caught stimulating myself with the pencil between my thighs. I remember the boy sitting next to me seeing it and I remember his face clearly. One day my mom was doing laundry and noticed marks on my pants between the legs. She thought we were piling wet clothes and had mildew on them. The truth was that it was stains of my pencils that I would stimulate myself with in class.
I remember masturbating under the covers while talking to my friends/siblings at sleepovers and in general. Even if we were in the same bed I would still be doing it nonstop.
3. Unusual Child Fantasies & rape fantasies at a young age
I often masturbated to the thought of being abused/dominated/assaulted. I had these memories of touching myself to these sorts of daydreams as early as first grade. The boy that saw me was often included in the fantasies. I would often imagine him and his group of friends finding me in a bathroom stall and gang abusing me. I always imagined my friend's older brothers touching me/dominating me/ hurting me and I wanted them to come around me and do it when I was around them even though they scared me.
I often fantasized being in a diaper when I touched myself. I vividly remember wishing that I could drive or thinking that one day when I can drive that I wanted to go out and buy diapers, wear them, and touch myself in them or use them. I remember thinking that if it was hard to "use them" that I would want to "fake the feeling" of them being used. I had these fantasies in 1st grade. I remember trying to hump the diapers my babydolls had.
4. Other Strange Sexual/Violent Behavior WIth Animals
We had a dog that I always wanted to play with but he was sort of resistant to children. I do remember wanting to play with him while he was eating one time and he bit me on my face. I have a tiny scar from this. I don't know if this occurred before or after the next memory I have.
I remember when the dog came inside and it was hot outside he'd stick out his tongue/pant. There was something sexual in nature to that to me and it aroused me? I remember trying to get my dog to lick my genitals. I even remember when I had access to a computer/yahoo answers around 10 years old asking for help with this. I am not sexually attracted to animals and I have never done anything like that, but I remember this memory.
Then one day the dog was doing the "panting thing" and I was playing with him alone upstairs. I don't know WHY but it suddenly freaked me out and I panicked. I was so emotionally upset that I picked the dog up and threw him on the floor and I broke his leg. This is the only time I've hurt an animal.
6....ALL with little knowledge about sex
I grew up with very little knowledge of sex but still had these sexual fantasies and unusual behavior with touching myself. My parents never gave me the talk. I didn't learn what a "penis" was until the Michael Jackson trial was on the news and I heard it mentioned and asked my mom what that was. I didn't know what masturbation was, but I did it. I remember I first realized I was doing that when I saw the 1st transformers movie and the word was mentioned. I didn't know how sex worked. I finally learned about penetration/the word for vagina/etc in my health education class in middle school (age 11 or 12).
When I finally found out about sex I got so immediately hooked on it. I thought about it all the time and started looking up more information online. I got swept into porn and struggled reading /eventually watching gifs of it for years. I often got sexually aroused reading stories about sexual abuse, sex between an adult and a minor, or even incestuous sexual relationships.
7. More Strange Childhood Behavior/Emotional Regulation/ Occurrences
I have a few memories but have also heard my mom talk about this. She said that I was the only child she'd see that would react so violently/upset that I would get so overwhelmed that my eyes would roll in the back of my head and I would pass out. I remember having a violent episode one time when one of the neighbor's brothers were around ( I don't remember which one). Ever since I was a child I have had issues with emotional outbursts/upsetting others with my strong explosive feelings.
I've struggled with fear/anxiety most all of my life. I remember even in elementary school being fearful walking down the halls and always scared to talk and make new friends. I was okay around boys my age (with typical cooties involved) but always scared/excited by boys older than me like my neighbor's brothers...
8. Fear of Men / Brothers
I had two neighbors that both had my friend and then their older brothers. I was always sort of nervous/scared and expecting them to touch me when I was around them..but yet they were apart of my sexual fantasies. I often even wanted them to come up and touch me sexually/dominate me when I was around them even though I was scared. One day I asked my mom if she had concerns about my grandmother's boyfriend (who might have molested my younger sister) when I was young. She said she never did, but that she was always concerned about me going to friend's houses that had older brothers.
In general, I've been very on guard around men my entire life. I always felt uncomfortable around them and like they were going to hurt me or assault me. When I worked a part-time job and saw men walk in while I was working alone I would immediately get very nervous/anxious/fearful. I did not grow up with brothers so I never grew up getting comfortable around men, but I've always been afraid of them going to assault me or hurt me.
I vividly remember my parents having to take me out of the country club's swim lessons because the coach was an old man and I was supposed to swim into his arms. I was so terrified and I remember having an extremely upsetting reaction to this. My parents immediately pulled me out and got my neighbor who was the nurse's eldest daughter to teach me how to swim in their backyard pool.
For as long as I can remember I have been very fearful of male doctors/healthcare providers. I have hated the dentist with a passion and been very uncomfortable with it my entire life. I remember having to see a male doctor and refused to sit so he could look at me. I wouldn't do it I threw fits. My mom eventually had to find a female pediatrician just because I refused to be looked at by a male. I'm still uncomfortable with male professionals to this day.
Very uncomfortable with being alone with men in general.
9. Adolescent and up/ Issues
Constantly focused on sex, reading pornography, sexualizing things. Leaving activities to go masturbate. Continued sexual fantasies of being dominated/inappropriate relationships. Romanticizing relationships etc. Super uncomfortable with my body changing.
ALWAYS wearing baggy clothes. Eating disorder issues. Depression. Anxiety. Sublimation/Dissociation through writing/imagination fantasy. I often identify with victims of abuse and write characters who have experienced abuse.
I have trouble with all of this still.
10. Young Adult Sexuality
I had a pattern of not standing up for myself against men I dated. My first kiss happened because I was in a guy's back of his car and I couldn't tell him no. I don't know why I JUST COULDN'T say anything. I immediately backed away after the kiss happened and he took me home.
My next real date encounter the guy wanted to take me back to his house. I felt nervous but I just couldn't say no. I went in and we talked and laid on his bed for a while. When he tried to kiss me, this time I said no. Finally. I got some courage after the first time I was kissed against my wishes.
The, I started my first serious and sexual relationship when I was in my sophomore year of college.
I always felt pressured/coerced to do sexual things starting out. I always felt like I couldn't say no and I would do whatever. I was both excited and ashamed/guilty of this. Sometimes I didn't want to do things but I did them anyway because I just had to and I couldn't turn it down/stop it.
The first time I had oral sex performed on me I freaked out and felt sexually abused. I felt like I didn't want it to happen. I enjoyed it sexually, but emotionally/mentally I hurt so bad. I had a big fight about this with him. It was confusing because he thought I wanted to do it. I thought maybe I wanted to or maybe I didn't. I don't know if I did or not even now but I just couldn't stop it so I went through with it.
To this day, I find the most sexual satisfaction in being dominated/hit/demeaned during sex. I find the most sexual satisfaction in having another male touch me and it's the only way I can orgasm. I have never made myself orgasm, even after excessive masturbation for years and pornography use. Only another male touching me can do it. I had some sort of orgasm block with my partner before I was ever able to orgasm ( even if he touched me though).
Conclusion
How do I know if something actually happened to me? Is there any way to open memories? I'm confused and disturbed and I just want answers.
Last thing I forgot, I also remember having a memory when I was still in diapers. I remember being in a daycare and I soiled myself. I clearly remember one of the workers picking me up and having to change me. I remember thinking that that person wasn't my mom or dad.
I also wanted to mention that I've always had an issue with control and needing to be in control. I'm startled easily and get panicky/anxiety. Sexually with my partner, I was very closed off/rigid and not wanting to open up/lose control. I have just finally started to get better with this through ongoing and positive sexual relationship.
Sorry, I wish there was an edit button so I could add on.
Is there an "edit button"?
I remember also experiencing some regression around 1st grade as well. I can vividly remember not wanting to go by my "real name" at school and wanted my more childish nickname to be used. I refused to be called my real name for a while and it upset me when my parents encouraged me to finally try my actual name in school. I remember being very jealous of my younger siblings and I wanted to be younger/a baby like them. I remember acting more childish/talking way more immature even though I had the ability to go further. I remember bed wetting two or so times and waking up thinking that was weird because I was too old for that.
I remember reading children's books up until 3rd and 4th grade that I always read instead of moving on to the more complex stories my similar aged siblings would read.
But firts, my question is...should I be seeking answers if something happened? Am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Does this sound like sexual abuse to you? And is it real if I don't have memories/can't remember?
1. Excessive masturbation
I remember stimulating myself all the time. I would never touch my own skin because it felt "dirty" or "wrong", but I would touch myself through my underwear, hump toys/stuffed animals, pillows, or long objects (my mother's twirling batton and pencils between my legs). I would masturbate so much my legs/lower region turned raw. I remember my mom taking me to our neighbor who was a nurse to look at me because she was concerned of the blue/purple coloring I had. I remember her looking at me and thinking I got raw through excessive masturbation, but I don't know if something else could have happened too.
2. Public masturbation
I vividly remember touching myself in the 1st grade. I remember my first-grade teacher calling on me, just looking at me, and saying, "....do you need to go to the bathroom?" I'll never forget knowing I was caught stimulating myself with the pencil between my thighs. I remember the boy sitting next to me seeing it and I remember his face clearly. One day my mom was doing laundry and noticed marks on my pants between the legs. She thought we were piling wet clothes and had mildew on them. The truth was that it was stains of my pencils that I would stimulate myself with in class.
I remember masturbating under the covers while talking to my friends/siblings at sleepovers and in general. Even if we were in the same bed I would still be doing it nonstop.
3. Unusual Child Fantasies & rape fantasies at a young age
I often masturbated to the thought of being abused/dominated/assaulted. I had these memories of touching myself to these sorts of daydreams as early as first grade. The boy that saw me was often included in the fantasies. I would often imagine him and his group of friends finding me in a bathroom stall and gang abusing me. I always imagined my friend's older brothers touching me/dominating me/ hurting me and I wanted them to come around me and do it when I was around them even though they scared me.
I often fantasized being in a diaper when I touched myself. I vividly remember wishing that I could drive or thinking that one day when I can drive that I wanted to go out and buy diapers, wear them, and touch myself in them or use them. I remember thinking that if it was hard to "use them" that I would want to "fake the feeling" of them being used. I had these fantasies in 1st grade. I remember trying to hump the diapers my babydolls had.
4. Other Strange Sexual/Violent Behavior WIth Animals
We had a dog that I always wanted to play with but he was sort of resistant to children. I do remember wanting to play with him while he was eating one time and he bit me on my face. I have a tiny scar from this. I don't know if this occurred before or after the next memory I have.
I remember when the dog came inside and it was hot outside he'd stick out his tongue/pant. There was something sexual in nature to that to me and it aroused me? I remember trying to get my dog to lick my genitals. I even remember when I had access to a computer/yahoo answers around 10 years old asking for help with this. I am not sexually attracted to animals and I have never done anything like that, but I remember this memory.
Then one day the dog was doing the "panting thing" and I was playing with him alone upstairs. I don't know WHY but it suddenly freaked me out and I panicked. I was so emotionally upset that I picked the dog up and threw him on the floor and I broke his leg. This is the only time I've hurt an animal.
6....ALL with little knowledge about sex
I grew up with very little knowledge of sex but still had these sexual fantasies and unusual behavior with touching myself. My parents never gave me the talk. I didn't learn what a "penis" was until the Michael Jackson trial was on the news and I heard it mentioned and asked my mom what that was. I didn't know what masturbation was, but I did it. I remember I first realized I was doing that when I saw the 1st transformers movie and the word was mentioned. I didn't know how sex worked. I finally learned about penetration/the word for vagina/etc in my health education class in middle school (age 11 or 12).
When I finally found out about sex I got so immediately hooked on it. I thought about it all the time and started looking up more information online. I got swept into porn and struggled reading /eventually watching gifs of it for years. I often got sexually aroused reading stories about sexual abuse, sex between an adult and a minor, or even incestuous sexual relationships.
7. More Strange Childhood Behavior/Emotional Regulation/ Occurrences
I have a few memories but have also heard my mom talk about this. She said that I was the only child she'd see that would react so violently/upset that I would get so overwhelmed that my eyes would roll in the back of my head and I would pass out. I remember having a violent episode one time when one of the neighbor's brothers were around ( I don't remember which one). Ever since I was a child I have had issues with emotional outbursts/upsetting others with my strong explosive feelings.
I've struggled with fear/anxiety most all of my life. I remember even in elementary school being fearful walking down the halls and always scared to talk and make new friends. I was okay around boys my age (with typical cooties involved) but always scared/excited by boys older than me like my neighbor's brothers...
8. Fear of Men / Brothers
I had two neighbors that both had my friend and then their older brothers. I was always sort of nervous/scared and expecting them to touch me when I was around them..but yet they were apart of my sexual fantasies. I often even wanted them to come up and touch me sexually/dominate me when I was around them even though I was scared. One day I asked my mom if she had concerns about my grandmother's boyfriend (who might have molested my younger sister) when I was young. She said she never did, but that she was always concerned about me going to friend's houses that had older brothers.
In general, I've been very on guard around men my entire life. I always felt uncomfortable around them and like they were going to hurt me or assault me. When I worked a part-time job and saw men walk in while I was working alone I would immediately get very nervous/anxious/fearful. I did not grow up with brothers so I never grew up getting comfortable around men, but I've always been afraid of them going to assault me or hurt me.
I vividly remember my parents having to take me out of the country club's swim lessons because the coach was an old man and I was supposed to swim into his arms. I was so terrified and I remember having an extremely upsetting reaction to this. My parents immediately pulled me out and got my neighbor who was the nurse's eldest daughter to teach me how to swim in their backyard pool.
For as long as I can remember I have been very fearful of male doctors/healthcare providers. I have hated the dentist with a passion and been very uncomfortable with it my entire life. I remember having to see a male doctor and refused to sit so he could look at me. I wouldn't do it I threw fits. My mom eventually had to find a female pediatrician just because I refused to be looked at by a male. I'm still uncomfortable with male professionals to this day.
Very uncomfortable with being alone with men in general.
9. Adolescent and up/ Issues
Constantly focused on sex, reading pornography, sexualizing things. Leaving activities to go masturbate. Continued sexual fantasies of being dominated/inappropriate relationships. Romanticizing relationships etc. Super uncomfortable with my body changing.
ALWAYS wearing baggy clothes. Eating disorder issues. Depression. Anxiety. Sublimation/Dissociation through writing/imagination fantasy. I often identify with victims of abuse and write characters who have experienced abuse.
I have trouble with all of this still.
10. Young Adult Sexuality
I had a pattern of not standing up for myself against men I dated. My first kiss happened because I was in a guy's back of his car and I couldn't tell him no. I don't know why I JUST COULDN'T say anything. I immediately backed away after the kiss happened and he took me home.
My next real date encounter the guy wanted to take me back to his house. I felt nervous but I just couldn't say no. I went in and we talked and laid on his bed for a while. When he tried to kiss me, this time I said no. Finally. I got some courage after the first time I was kissed against my wishes.
The, I started my first serious and sexual relationship when I was in my sophomore year of college.
I always felt pressured/coerced to do sexual things starting out. I always felt like I couldn't say no and I would do whatever. I was both excited and ashamed/guilty of this. Sometimes I didn't want to do things but I did them anyway because I just had to and I couldn't turn it down/stop it.
The first time I had oral sex performed on me I freaked out and felt sexually abused. I felt like I didn't want it to happen. I enjoyed it sexually, but emotionally/mentally I hurt so bad. I had a big fight about this with him. It was confusing because he thought I wanted to do it. I thought maybe I wanted to or maybe I didn't. I don't know if I did or not even now but I just couldn't stop it so I went through with it.
To this day, I find the most sexual satisfaction in being dominated/hit/demeaned during sex. I find the most sexual satisfaction in having another male touch me and it's the only way I can orgasm. I have never made myself orgasm, even after excessive masturbation for years and pornography use. Only another male touching me can do it. I had some sort of orgasm block with my partner before I was ever able to orgasm ( even if he touched me though).
Conclusion
How do I know if something actually happened to me? Is there any way to open memories? I'm confused and disturbed and I just want answers.
Last thing I forgot, I also remember having a memory when I was still in diapers. I remember being in a daycare and I soiled myself. I clearly remember one of the workers picking me up and having to change me. I remember thinking that that person wasn't my mom or dad.
I also wanted to mention that I've always had an issue with control and needing to be in control. I'm startled easily and get panicky/anxiety. Sexually with my partner, I was very closed off/rigid and not wanting to open up/lose control. I have just finally started to get better with this through ongoing and positive sexual relationship.
Sorry, I wish there was an edit button so I could add on.
Is there an "edit button"?
I remember also experiencing some regression around 1st grade as well. I can vividly remember not wanting to go by my "real name" at school and wanted my more childish nickname to be used. I refused to be called my real name for a while and it upset me when my parents encouraged me to finally try my actual name in school. I remember being very jealous of my younger siblings and I wanted to be younger/a baby like them. I remember acting more childish/talking way more immature even though I had the ability to go further. I remember bed wetting two or so times and waking up thinking that was weird because I was too old for that.
I remember reading children's books up until 3rd and 4th grade that I always read instead of moving on to the more complex stories my similar aged siblings would read.
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