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Was I so out of control everyone was scared to deal with it?

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I wish someone would have intervened.
This is a feeling that I recognize now but not at the time. I wish that someone in my life would have helped straighten me out (I did that myself by the time I was 20) but unfortunately all this leads back to my original mistake, never telling anyone I was molested, that falls 100% on me!

It's a rollercoaster ride that we white knuckle till eventually we crash
For me it was 100% disassociation for 45 years until it all crashed and shook the world I had created for myself to the core
 
Yes I understand what your saying @David1959 but I still think that your being too hard on yourself. The fact is, is that your doing something about it now! That's what counts my friend. Acceptance is key. There's no time machine to go back and change it so you have to accept it for what it was and now try to move forward with help from your therapist. Give yourself credit for how your handling it now. Your doing a great job in tackling this and it takes time. 😊
 
Yes I understand what your saying @David1959 but I still think that your being too hard on yourself. The fact is, is that your doing something about it now! That's what counts my friend. Acceptance is key. There's no time machine to go back and change it so you have to accept it for what it was and now try to move forward with help from your therapist. Give yourself credit for how your handling it now. Your doing a great job in tackling this and it takes time. 😊
I appreciate this and inside I know you are correct. My T keeps saying this but I guess in my mind I always circulate back to it being my fault for not saying anything about the abuse and letting it go on for 2 years which led to much of what followed.

Some days I wake up and wish I had never gone to T
 
I agree with @Survivor3 , you're being too hard on yourself.
There are a lot of people here who didn't tell anyone what happened to us.
A) I had no real idea what had happened
B) I had no words for it
C) no one wanted to hear anyways

I think from the sounds of it: you were showing clear signs of abuse through your behaviour.
As was I.
People chose not to look at that behaviour and not to ask questions.
Children often don't have the words to express things and it comes out in other ways.

It isn't on you that you didn't use words to tell someone what was happening. It is totally understandable that you didn't.

And from the sounds of it, you were neglected. Maybe not be food and shelter, but by care and consideration and thought and education.
We need more than a bed and dinner to grow up into fully formed people.
 
I appreciate this and inside I know you are correct. My T keeps saying this but I guess in my mind I always circulate back to it being my fault for not saying anything about the abuse and letting it go on for 2 years which led to much of what followed.

Some days I wake up and wish I had never gone to T
The process of therapy is not easy but don't give up because it's worth it. You (we) begin to have 'revelations' and 'epiphanies ', you become more powerful and the onslaught of emotions and flashbacks start to lose their power and begin to not effect our lives so much as they diminish. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days or feel shit because of what people did but it's nothing like it used to be.
 
I had parents that pushed college until it broke me. I had parents for whom college was the end all be all. I'm super conflicted about a return to school right now and painful regret about degrees I wanted but just barely didn't finish because of trauma and coping badly.

By the way, have you thought about becoming a business mentor? Badly needed. There are many programs for this, no fancy degrees needed. I work with business students and while they have book learning the lack of common sense ordinary skills and needs for mentors sometimes stuns me. I work with a major college that pulls in those in business without degrees to mentor. Don't count yourself out.

Moving back to the subject of how you see the past and what happened, I'm wondering what is the "gain" or benefit of continuing to tell yourself it was your fault? For me, continuing to harp on self blame in my head, deserved or undeserved, has a way of keeping me from taking risks, facing grief, etc.

In the end, you may never know why college wasn't encouraged. But you have today. You have the future. And you have what you encourage yourself or tell yourself.

I don't see much benefit in trying to mind read why the people of the past who failed you did what you did. It may have had very little to do with you personally. I worked as a tutor for one kid who was always seen as a troublemaker, but I was unique that I got to see the home life and know this kid was no "problem child" - he was truly out of control but it wasn't his fault. He was a child. Only by my accidental observations most could not have for most kids struggling at young ages, I was able to bring in the supports he needed. Most educators and others don't have those opportunities. It's a failure of the education system.

In the end, you know every kid deserves support for success and you did exactly that for your kids. Even more, you got through dark challenges and you rose above. That in my book, far more stunning of an accomplishment than sitting in lectures and spitting out papers for 4-9 years.

The negative self talk is just doing to yourself what others did - start arguing back that no, you had value, period, and damn, that hurts no one saw it back then.

Take what you know and find ways to use it to keep encouraging the next generation of business leaders. Degree or not. Thing is, they need it and you know that probably much better than most what it is like to go without it.

Well done on your work to end the cycle.
 
You (we) begin to have 'revelations' and 'epiphanies
Not having had a lot of contact with Therapy (6 months 5 years ago & now) but am finding this statement quite true, I am realizing that many things that I looked at as normal are not. When you are a kid whatever is your life is your normal, nothing else to compare it with.

I grew up always feeling loved by my parents and part of a nurturing environment, and I was in many ways but I am realizing through therapy that there was a dark side as well. I think the statement that solidifies that for me is "Would I have thought it was fine for my kids". No f'in way, I would have been horrified. Somehow I need to find a way to strike a balance that allows me to at least partially forgive myself and to realize that the instability in my youth was more a set of circumstances than intentional.

A) I had no real idea what had happened
B) I had no words for it
C) no one wanted to hear anyways
I have thought about this quite a bit over the years and feel that I did know what was happening. However, maybe not am I seeing it through adult eyes where I know it is wrong while at the time I did not? One of my latest "Flash Bulb" memory flashbacks involves me pushing him away so hard that my hands and arms were shaking so at some level I knew it was wrong.

As for not having the words, that is absolutely one thing that I can agree on both logically and in my very mixed up mind

"No one wanted to hear", this I think is the crux of my problem, I know that if I had said anything that may parents would have moved instantly to protect me but I never said anything and for that I can never forgive myself.
 
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I think there are different levels of "knowing". I also tried to get the first person who assaulted me off me. But still in my mind, I twisted it to "nothing happened here". Survival of a child's mind.

It's a journey of grief and acceptance to proportion blame and responsibility where it lies. Which is not on you: the child. But on those that hurt you.
I get it. I spent decades blocking it out and holding me responsible too.
I have just had on of those lightbulb moments in therapy. And realise I no longer blame myself. It feels great.
If I can get there. You can too.
 
"No one wanted to hear", this I think is the crux of my problem, I know that if I had said anything that may parents would have moved instantly to protect me but I never said anything and for that I can never forgive myself.
Kids are kids. When things go badly, they survive the best they know how. Not always the best way possible, but that's why any harm to kids is so horrible. Kids are not mini-adults. The type of trauma you went through tends to cause a lot of confusion and undeserved shame for survivors. Silence is super common. It's not a mistake you made, it's a survival response. Chances are, it's what the perp wanted and was able to manipulate a child into doing. Addiction is a way you tried to cope with pain of trauma and other difficult circumstances unfairly and undeservedly thrown your way. You are on a brave journey of recovery.

Don't give your kid self the responsibility and burden to meet adult standards. Put the blame back on the perp. Take responsibility for treating yourself in line with what you do deserve: putting down the self judgement and picking up some self compassion.
 
In therapy it has come out multiple times how the fact that I never went to college has damaged me both in reality and in my mind. Let me first say that I come from a family steeped in education. My father graduated from Washington & Lee (he started college at 16) and a Masters from Columbia. My mother also graduated from college as did everyone in my family and extended family.

As a result of my CSA at a young age which I never told anyone about for 45 years, leading to abuse of drugs beginning at 13 and basically acting out and wild I am guessing my parents did not know what to do with me. I went through HS with terrible grades and a terrible attitude, getting high, skipping classes etc. Additionally, the fact that I went to 3 high schools, NY, TX & PR did not help. As I think back as upsetting as it is I can remember the following:
  • I cannot remember anyone ever asking me what are my plans, thoughts about college?
  • I never once saw a guidance counselor in HS
  • No one ever asked me about my bad grades, checked if I did my homework or encouraged me to live up to my potential
  • No one pressed me to apply to college (I actually did on my own and did get into one but never went, could not see how it would be possible)
  • Neither parent ever mentioned college to me or asked anything about it
  • Ultimately however, like my abuse my part in all this even with challenges I faced was inexcusable
I do not understand that, with my own children college was never a choice and they were told this from their youngest years. I helped them both apply to colleges, paid fully for it and today my daughter has a PHD and my son a Masters.

Why was I just discarded that way? I will never know but it has haunted me my entire life both mentally and with career choices. While I sabotaged myself terribly with no one willing or able to stop it I happen to be very intelligent (while screwed up at the same time) and would have excelled with an eduction.
Many people go back to college.....later in their life.....that's always an option. Have you taken any online courses? I enjoy taking classes...my parents didn't expect me to go to college or turn out to be more than a housewife. You still have the option to look forward, and take care of those educational needs now.....it's always an option.
I'm in my mid-60's and I toss the idea of getting my PHD around every so often.....it's between that and travel....and with Covid 19 going back to school is certainly a safer option.
 
Don't give your kid self the responsibility and burden to meet adult standards.
I am trying, it is hard. After 45 + years of disassociation facing all head on is a challenge. How do I rewire what I have felt for 5 decades without taking away the good parts?

Kids are not mini-adults.
How do I stop judging my actions or better put, inactions at 10 through my 61 yo eyes?
 
How do I stop judging my actions or better put, inactions at 10 through my 61 yo eyes?
you make a choice too stop blaming yourself. Blame the paedophile instead.that's where your anger should lie. This vicious cycle that you put yourself through of self blame is getting you no where and stops you from moving on constructively.
 
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