Was It Really My Fault??

[J_trustno1]

I went for my driving lesson with my brother today. Btw he's 2 yrs younger than me. Each time I need some help from he is very rough with me and the kind of comments I get from him are never helpful. I know that I am vulnerable due to Ptsd and depression but he is always telling me that "you are stupid, you don't like listening to others and that is why you always get in trouble". He says that each time. It gets me all the time. So when we went for out driving today after 3 months (I avoid taking help from him in anything because of his rough behaviour but I went today!!! biggest mistake), he wasn't being supportive. It was like as if I was a burden on him. He told me off and as a result I made more mistakes. Mistakes to the point where we could've been killed in a car accident.

He makes me feel shit about myself and being fragile due to things. His problems are like adult problems while mine are simply stupidity. I don't know what to do. Do I really have to learn driving from him or shall I stop taking help from him? It's not once but each time I ask him for something. Hey, I am willing to help him without him even asking then why the hell does he have to be an asshole to me. He made me feel inadequate!! Please help!

 

[anthony]

I think you both have your fault in the above...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you have another friend who can help you learn how to drive? If so, I'd get them to help you. Your brother sounds like he's being a jerk to you. Its one thing to give constructive criticism, but he's just being nasty by calling you stupid. You shouldn't have to put up with that! Do you have someone to help you who is perhaps a bit more calm while in the car? I think that this is one time that you really need a patient and calm instructor.

 

[junglegirl]

The relationship between siblings is enigmatic at best. For many years I did not speak to my older sister because she was hypercritical and hurt me deeply. But at the time I could not appreciate that she was hurting too. It seems really hard to believe when someone is cruel to others that they themselves are hurting because we are on the receiving end of their criticisms; but trust me if your brother treats you that way he has issues he is dealing with. It is not you. The important thing for you to do is to not take in what he says about you and to affirm your value to yourself. Acknowlege that his opinion of you is not representative of you. I hope this offers you comfort. It is very hard when someone you love is cruel but you can only control yourself. You cannot control his behavior but you can control what you think of yourself.

 

[Dee Morris]

Just because he is your brother doesn't mean you are required to expose yourself to abuse from him. He has already proven his inability to be kind to you. I don't think I would be interested in exposing myself to someone like that. You made a bad decision in asking someone who rattles you so much to help you learn how to drive. When I'm rattled, I make more mistakes and cannot focus. You can't change how he treats you but you can change the way you react to him and limit the relationship if necessary.

 

[J_trustno1]

@anthony : Well my brother is always putting me down due to me being a sensitive and a vulnerable person whenever I try asking him for help. Him telling me off made me make more mistakes. It's not my fault what has happened to me in the past. I feel I just can't get along with him anymore.

@Solara : thanks for the reply. Yes, you are right. His behavior is demotivating me to learn. I hate it when people put me off. I had the exact same problem when I was studying Masters where one of my supervisors was putting me down and always critising my efforts. There was no winning with that supervisor. As a result I almost quit the degree. I didn't do anything for 3 months while I was doing masters because of my supervisors ruthless behavior. I think the same thing is happening in my brother's case. I've told my mother that I will not learn from him and I will rather pay an instructor to help me out than learn from my brother.

 

[anthony]

Based on what you said above, I hold stronger to my original opinion. If you want to know why, then you have to work that out...

 

[J_trustno1]

The only mistake I am making is by taking help from someone who is not supportive enough. The only fault I can see is my inability to concentrate due to criticism. I don't want to start an argument here. I know that I am not a perfect being but that doesn't mean I have to put up with people's crap. I cried earlier and I'm never asking for help from him!

Lastly, he is like this at home with mum too. It's not that I am the only one whom he is being nasty to. He doesn't like listening to his faults then why did he try finding faults in me?

 

[nursenurse]

There comes a time where you have to do for yourself in spite of everyone around you. That is the mature decision, and the way the real world works. Now, should you accept what your brother says? Absolutely not. However, when someone calls you stupid, it is a reflection on them and not you. It is then up to you whether you ask him for help, or not. if you do, knowing what he is like, and has likely been all of his life, you put up, or shut up. Your master's is another thing. Again, I see blaming the other person, and while they may be everything you said and more, you need to rise to the occasion, for yourself.

Get some help for yourself, counselling, but I agree with Anthony. I see a bit of a pattern. You can't change someone else, but you can change your own perceptions and how you deal with things. Good luck.

 

[J_trustno1]

@nursenurse : yes I agree with you. I will be seeking therapy soon. I react to every situation and I think the pattern repeating itself. I've made the decision for not seeking anymore help from my brother in future. Thanks for the reply.

 

[J_trustno1]

Lastly, every time he goes with me anywhere he tells me that he is doing a big favor going with me because if he had a girlfriend he would've been with her. He tells me who goes with their sister for a drive or when we went to the beach with my other cousins 3 months ago, he told me that he would've been with his gf at the beach rather than us!

 

[Justmehere]

Sounds like he blames you, and you blame him... Most young guys would want to be at the beach with a girlfriend than a sister. Try not to take it too personally. I know, so easy to say, so hard to do, especially when it is family. He sounds like he is unaware that he is responsible for his choices and actions and his own plans to hang out with family when he rather be around others, and is trying to dump on you.

I struggle a lot with my own brother too, and he's a somewhat decent guy. Our whole family is dysfunctional, and we survived a lot together. We get into it with each other, but it is hard for me to pull away from him. I get sucked in...

He had tried, I try, but it's still impossible even with both of us trying. For now, I am taking space from him so I can focus on healing from the past and getting better. My therapist says it is impossible for me to heal while still engaging anyone who is still apart of the dysfunctional family I grew up in, and that when I heal more, I may be able to have a better relationship with him, and that the stupid dysfunctional stuff won't make me as upset.

You are not an awful person. You just keep going back to someone who keeps being hurtful to you - oddly common with ptsd sometimes. (I have done it a lot myself in the past.) Now you are seeing the pattern and taking steps to change it. That's great!

I could never have any family member teach me to drive. I'm glad you are not going to keep asking him for help when he has proven to be unreliable to be a safe calm instructor. I'm glad you are going to look into getting therapy too.