Was It Something I Did?

[Atomic]

He just sent me an email to let me know he was cycling while I was there. Feels embarrassed about it. A bunch of other stuff about memory loss and how he has to question every single thing about what happens/happened. He signed off with saying thanks for being so understanding, it means a lot to him.

I'll just leave it at that for now.

 

[Atomic]

We continued to email back and forth a couple of times. His sister was a huge issue for him.

He explained how things start to spiral for him and what that looks like on the outside to others, physical symptoms, behaviours and such. Over the years with our stop/start relationship he has previously just cut me off and said he can't do it, with a lovely explanation as to why. Looking back I can now see that it was too overwhelming and it was the cptsd and not the reasons he gave.

This would be the first time he has actually allowed me to see it. A step forward I guess.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is a huge step, actually. :eek: :tup:

In his defense, (JMHO), but he might not have realized before what was contributing (when he explained), +/or this (with his sister) may truly be 'all' that it took (I think without ptsd it takes 'more', perhaps, but most of us get hit hard with less, the stress cup explanation, but also the repercussions of it over-flowing are awful, they snowball), +/or also you my be able to see what he cannot (I cannot see myself deteriorating, most times).

He must trust you a lot.

 

[Atomic]

Thanks, Junebug. It encourages me a lot.

He told me that the strands that hold his shit together are pretty thin and it's not pretty when they come undone.

 

[Tinyflame]

I believe it should. Very difficult thing to do.

What he said is honest, (& well-worded, accurate). (Me too. :rolleyes: :( )

 

[Atomic]

I'm struggling tonight. I feel pissed off. I don't need this shit. I was happy going about my life until he reeled me back in. And now I feel like I've been dumped in no-man's land, no idea where I am or wtf I'm supposed to be doing or whether it makes a blind bit of difference or he even cares.

Sorry for the vent. :(

 

[Atomic]

I sent him this:-

 

[Atomic]

Sent him an email this afternoon asking him to give me a thumbs up that he's ok, or as ok as can be. He replied that he's trying to fight it, not ok, just hanging on.

I'm a Scorpio, a red headed one at that - so the sting is sometimes out, like it was last night when I vented here. My best friend told me to strap it down lol. That's what I did by coming here last night. Sorry if it upset anybody.

 

[TinaG]

I understand your frustration completely, I decided last night to walk away, it hurts but its not healthy for me either, I was wrapped up in him & not thinking of me. I never received ore then I'm sorry, you deserve better. So I'll do just that get my mind back together & let him sort out his own issues. Maybe on day we can be friends again. I truly hope things get better for you! Hugs

 

[Atomic]

I'm sorry to hear that. You have to do what's best for you. Thanks for the hugs, I have no idea what the future holds or even if there is one with my guy. I find as the days go by I take 'what is' much easier. Hugs to you too.

 

[Catching_him]

I'm sorry to hear that. You have to do what's best for you. Thanks for the hugs, I have no idea what the...

I sympathize with you Atomic. I finally decided, after 3 sleepless nights and horrific days of silence, that I had to change my mindset and heartset...so to speak. I now say to myself "He may be IN my life, but he cannot BE my life" . It helped me to realize I'm not letting go of him/us, but rather limiting the amount of control he has over me.
I hope you can find some peace, you sound exhausted.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Atomic , please don't apologize, though I've supported too, (speaking for my own ptsd) I think that anyone who can forgive someone (& not hate them) with this stuff deserves a medal. :hug: