Was my therapist now my best friend

[ms spock]

Hello everyone, I know I have been gone for a while but I really want out of the relationship now and need help.

You are very brave! Go you!

Sending support from Australia. I have been where you are now. I feel for you.

 

[Sideways]

because I have not told her I wanted out. I was going to try to just be less available.

I know you’ve tried reducing contact gradually before, and introducing new boundaries before. I seem to remember you tried limiting the number of times a week you agreed to see her?

If that’s right? Maybe now is the time to try cutting contact. She’s not going to like that, and probably won’t understand why (she doesn’t seem to have great insight), but this isn’t a small issue. It never has been. Putting your needs first seems to be the major priority, and from my safe distance as a mere observer, I’m thinking it’s time to try drawing a line in the sand and giving yourself good old time out from her, and perhaps reinvest in your other relationships.

 

[Bird33]

@Justmehere what your saying makes a lot of sense. I believe it to be true it is just very difficult in the moment to see it. Recently I have felt angry with her which is a new feeling for me. I don’t do anger. I didn’t really sow it to her but to feel it is a big step for me. The only problem I have is I question my feelings. In one moment I feel I’m justified and then maybe the next I don’t. I just need help staying with the anger.

@ms spock Thank you so much for the support! I really need and appreciate it. It helps to know that you went through it and came out on the other side.

@Sideways Yes your right I have tried to slow contact in the past and it didn’t work. I don’t know if I can block her but I have not seen her in a few weeks. I’m trying to set boundaries and feel my anger and not question it. I think she is a huge narcissist and I am seeing it now. Before I saw it but would say to myself that i was okay with that. Now I’m not so sure I am.

 

[hithere]

Hello everyone, I know I have been gone for a while but i really want out of the relationship now and need help.

Hi @Bird33 I am SOOOOO sorry. Please trust me when I tell you I understand. I really do. You are getting there. How can I best support you @Bird33 ? I could write pages and pages of my toxic therapy relationship that sounds very similar in so many ways. It's not in your head at all. Is the current therapist any support or help?

In the military they say, "Embrace the suck" Embrace the enevitable in order to move forward. There is a time to destroy in order to build. What I did was set up some things for me to collapse into. I collapsed for awhile, but now the sun is starting to shine a little, hang in there. You have already endured so much, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love! Please don't shame yourself for this need and the situation you are in emotionally. It's not your fault. You did not do this to yourself.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t know if I can block her

I reckon you can. It may take a few false starts, but I personally think you can do this:)

 

[Bird33]

@hithere can you tell me a little about what happened with you? I’m just trying to understand. It’s so frustrating to me. It’s hard because she is a therapist and I am a client so you would think she would be compassionate. It makes you question yourself. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me but then says some mean things and then when I bring it up says I’m wrong. It’s just so hard to understand. Especially when you have a hard time trusting your instincts anyway.

My therapist is great and very supportive but she is really angry with my old therapist and wants to report her. She almost did it a few weeks ago after something happened and I told her about it. I had to talk her out of it bc I didn’t want to do that. So I’m a little cautious about what I say to her.

@Sideways your right I could! I just don’t think I’m ready. I am trying to do these steps that I feel I can manage. I’m trying to keep my anger and believe it.

 

[piratelady]

My therapist is great and very supportive but she is really angry with my old therapist and wants to report her. She almost did it a few weeks ago after something happened and I told her about it. I had to talk her out of it bc I didn’t want to do that. So I’m a little cautious about what I say to her.

I would talk to your current therapist about this. Support from Good Therapist will be instrumental in breaking away from Bad Therapist/friend. Maybe tell Good Tgerapist that you need her support and to be able to talk to her and trust that she won’t report Bad therapist without your consent and that her inclination to report her is making it difficult for you to be open with her?

Although, from what I’ve read, reporting her, at some point in the future, sounds like a good idea. What she’s doing is harmful and unethical.

 

[Bird33]

@piratelady yes I should talk to my therapist about that. She told me I needed to do something or she will have to so I know it’s not off the table. I need it to be so I can be honest with her.

 

[Sideways]

I just don’t think I’m ready. I am trying to do these steps

Fwiw? I think you’re underestimating yourself. It sounds like you’re more than ready to break contact.

You’ve recognised for a long time now that this relationship is toxic to you. Putting your needs first may feel foreign and uncomfortable. Doesn’t mean you’re not ready to give it a go. Doesn’t mean you need to have complete success the first time you try.

 

[scout86]

In one moment I feel I’m justified and then maybe the next I don’t.

You really don't have to justify anything. The question is, "How is this working for you?"

A friendship is supposed to be a positive thing. You're happy to hear from your friend. You're relaxed and comfortable dealing with you friend. Your world is better because of your friend. "This just isn't working for me." is all the reason you need. You're not passing judgement on the person, you're just saying the relationship isn't working for you and you don't feel up putting any more energy into it. The kind of person you actually want for a friend would accept and respect that.

 

[hithere]

I don't want to go into details so it's not too identifiable A normal person would have left therapy after what I went through, but I am not normal. I am just now this past week able to even categorize it as a 'violation' In a nutshell, the relationship would get very close, very intimate and then mean things would be said, or there would be coldness and distance. When I wanted to talk about how I felt when the mean things were said, I was told it was my imagination because of my past and I was misinterpretting things. Also, that I was "hurting" his feelings by questioning the meaning of things said.

I slowly began to realize that there was a type of calculation in his behavior -it was even a cunning behavior on his part or possibly subconscious. The basic model for gambling addiction is the "thrill" is occassionally felt but mixed in with losses. It's why some people get addicted to their sport trying to get a championship. The wins are so great, and the losses are mixed in, it becomes more addicting. Seeking for the thrill of connection, then getting it dashed, then told it's me. I felt like I was a mouse and he was a cat. The way cat's play with their prey and keep them alive before killing it.

I think it's very important your therapist promise not to report. I am only guessing this is tapping on all your trauma/abuse alarms. Could it be that this has all the same feelings of your original trauma.

There is no shame in how you are feeling or how you have handled it so far. You will get there. It's a break up of an intimate relationship. Of course it is tangled and painful.

 

[hithere]

Perhaps ask the new therapist to help you set up something for you to do for the aftermath of the break up. Brace yourself, I'm not gonna lie, when you do lay down termination with the old therapist, it will feel like you might die. Just remember you will not die and you WILL feel better . But the emotions feel like they will last forever and ever.