Was my therapist now my best friend

[Bird33]

@Sideways Yes I can give it a try. Today would be good bc we always get together on Wednesday’s. I will block her and see how it feels.

@scout86 There are times when it feels good. We have fun and connect so I keep trying to have that feeling. I know there are ups and downs in relationships and I think maybe I would not question this one if it didn’t start the way it did.

@hithere OMG! Your past relationship sounds exactly like mine. The way you describe it is how I feel. I keep chasing the connection and I get it sometimes and when it goes away I will try anything to get it back. I worry she knows all this and is just playing me. And you also hit it in the head it feels like my past trauma. My grandfather was very abusive and after my grandmother “caught” him and did nothing I felt like I was alone and searching for some help. That went on for 6 more years. I needed connection but my mother wasn’t available. She was depressed and in bed of what I remember. I want to be strong and get out of this but I’m also so afraid to. But you are right it will feel awful but I won’t die.

Thank you all for your support.

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

@Bird33 -- To be transparent I have not read this post all the way through (23 pages! ?) but I've read enough to relate to you in so many ways. I have been with my current therapist for 3 years on Sept 16. I admire my therapist. she is a badass and i wish i was more like her. if i'm being 100% honest with myself and with you... I do love her. I love that she's been by my side and helped me through the worst of times with compassion and guidance. she's my hero.

if she asked me to be her friend i would JUMP AT IT! At least i would have a year ago. But something happened to me this past year. I was sexually assaulted and in my county when you go to the hospital for that a Victim Advocate (VA) shows up. My VA was AMAZING. She was so special to me and helped me through a very difficult situation. I wouldn't have let just any advocate stay with me and hold my hand through a rape kit. but i let her. she was so kind and compassionate. LONGGG story, short. She asked me out to lunch. I got really mixed up about if it was friends or romantic. i had to be the one to ask what was going on. "are you my VA or a friend?" she was elusive. and.. she continued to let me down. The second time she bailed it was the night of a very special event for me. i had to attend alone and cried through it. AFter months of this I decided to file a grievance with her organization when i realized how f*cked up it was. she had said she loved me. sent flowers to my house. etc. she wasn't fired as far as I know but it felt predatory to me. she knew SO MUCH about my history and trauma that she had the power.

If it weren't for this relationship I definitely wouldn't be able to see how bad being friends with my therapist would be. and even seeing it -- if she asked me to be friends i don't think i could help but say yes because of what I would want it be. I would hope and pray she loved me like i love her. i wouldn't be able to say no and set that boundary. THAT'S WHY ITS HER JOB TO NOT ASK. to set the boundary. to be ethical. to take the responsibility of protecting the client so seriously. As much as I like my therapist, the dynamics would shift. She knows so much about me that I don't know about her. The surface level knowledge of a person creates room to fill in the rest of them with what you want and wish them to be. Then you get to know the real them, flaws and all, and true hurt can stem from it. the power dynamic that's at play is dangerous.

I'm really here just to say that I understand .. on a really deep level.. what you have described time and time again. that feeling of being compelled to do what they want. to fit yourself into her schedule not the other way around. to feel somewhat desperate to be around that person. that draw that is so strong that nothing that person does makes you feel less attracted to them. craving them. wanting it so bad.

I am proud of you for taking a step today to block her. even if you don't follow through... thinking about it is a good first step. freeing yourself from being so connected to another individual that is not reciprocating in the way you need or desire. that took advantage of you.

I'm proud of you. I understand how it happened. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AND THIS IS 100% NOT YOUR FAULT. SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND BEHAVED VERY UNETHICALLY. YOU ARE ENOUGH AND YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS STRONGER THAN BEFORE. Sending all the positive thoughts your way today. best of luck.

 

[Bird33]

@ThisLifeIsBeautiful First of all I’m so sorry that you were assaulted and had to go through that and I hope you are working on it.

Second, thank you so much for your post. I feel so pathetic but what you said is exactly the way I feel. It feels good to hear you understand how it happened because it just seems so pathetic to me. This is not me, I’m not this person but here I am. I felt like I hit the jackpot when she asked me and now I wish I never met her but the pull is still there. I can’t believe that people so truly understand. You made me cry and that does not happen often.

Thank you so much!

 

[Bird33]

Can I just ask a question, I’m sitting at work thinking about this f*cking shit and I’m upset because I’m trying to pull away. I’ve blocked her but I’m crying. Would this have happened to a normal person or is it because of my past shit? Would a normal person have run away right at the beginning?

 

[alwaysworkingthruit]

Please do not consider yourself abnormal. What she is doing is NOT NORMAL and you deserve better.

Of course it hurts like hell because, deep down, you know you have been manipulated and that you deserve better. It's going to continue to hurt, but with hurt eventually comes healing and growth. A rainbow after the storm.

You have so many supporters here. We understand how hard this is for you. Continue to reach out. You've hurdled one of the biggest obstacles, blocking her.
Know you are not alone

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

I'm so proud of you for blocking her @Bird33 . To echo @alwaysworkingthruit - you are normal. she is not. you may have your own issues, and they probably play a role in all of your decision making. as everyone's past plays into their lifestyle and daily decision making. but, EVERYONE CRAVES CONNECTION. That is normal. and the connection you feel toward your old therapist is normal. therapy is designed to bring closeness, even a level of intimacy (not romantic) between client and therapist. This setup and your therapist's (at the time) unethical behavior is likely what made it so easy to get into this situation.

Anybody in your situation would have felt like the ONE person who understood them most in the world wanted to take the relationship to the next level. the person who they trust more than anyone else. the only person who will ever be able to understand and love all of them. The issue here is NOT WITH YOU. the problem is.. and the reason it felt like so intense was that the person who you felt this way about... you probably felt that way because of the client therapist relationship, not because they are really the best person for you. It was your therapists job to make you feel understood, and cared for, and all these safe good things. it was also her job to set clear boundaries and protect you from this situation. you are normal. her behavior is abnormal at best.

this was kinda hard for me to formulate into real thoughts that make sense. i hope it does. YOU GOT THIS. Here for you if you need someone to DM. and you have a HUGE community of support from all of us here. stay strong and know that literally almost anyone who was put in this situation would have felt similarly to how you feel. You are not damaged or broken. It sounds like the person your dealing with may be. You were the victim here and being able to block her is a huge first step. You are okay. normal. human. doing your best. hang in there friend <3

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Bird33 it might help to simplify it: a frIendship is 2-ways, if it's bad for you and you know that you leave, because they aren't really your friend. But all friends know stuff about each other. If you became friends only because she was your T, maybe you would not have elsewhere, and now you realize? Because I don't think it's a given when someone knows stuff about you, that a person becomes automatically trusting of them. It's a choice, really, based on history and many instances.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Bird33]

@alwaysworkingthruit thank you for your post and support. This is so hard and I’m so sick of it. I need to deal with the original stuff I went into therapy for not this.

@Tinyflame Yes that’s a good point. I’m not sure if I would have been friends with her if she was not my therapist. We do have a lot in common and can have fun it is just the underlying shit.

@ThisLifeIsBeautiful You said it again exactly the way I feel. It feels so good to be understood bc I have felt like a pathetic loser for a while. Again this is not who I am and I am not even sure how I ended up here. I would love to DM you but am not sure how. I want to do this and I need to but I’m not feeling strong. I’m trying to be.

The support here is so great and I really appreciate it.

 

[Sideways]

You’ve done awesome. The hardest part is done.

Now? Come the emotions. Fear, loneliness, abandonment. This has had a long long time to build up. And yeah, crying? Is absolutely okay:)

Remember that emotions? Can’t hurt you. You’re a survivor and you can absolutely deal with these emotions as they come up. Because a lot of them? Aren’t all about this relationship, they’re emotions you’ve got pent up inside about your past.

So let them out. And watch them come and go. And as sure as the sun rises every morning? Gradually they’ll get smaller and briefer, and eventually it will pass.

You got this. When you feel like contacting her? Put yourself first, and come here for some connection and support instead.

 

[hithere]

I find it most important to not shame myself for this painful dynamic in my life. It is not your fault that this happened to you. The counselor did a "boundary violation." It took me a long time to let my brain let that sink in. Also, there are all kinds of people. There are recluses, people who say they are "private" people, people who have multiple love affairs at once.... it does not even make sense to compare yourself to others or what is normal. There really is no normal. The question is are you growing and healing to recognize this is a painful relationship. In my opinion (and what is that worth?) yes it's related to your past abuse but there is no shame in that. The deepest desires of the human heart is for connection, and to try and "correct" the childhood abuse,

But understanding it, coming to terms with that will help. That's just my opinion. I know that's helping me. Take care of yourself and that includes the "child" that is you that is still inside there with all those emotions. They will run their course and you will grow. Treat yourself like you would a small child who's heart is broken. You seem like a kind person, so I believe you would help a child who has been hurt relationally--you would not scold them or tell them to be quiet. Take care of yourself. This therapist is not going to correct the past. Instead, this therapist took advantage of you to serve their own needs. This may have been done "subconsciously." Or intentionally. Either way it's what has happened. Continuing with this therapist in anyway will most likely continue searing pain.

With distance from the breakup, grieving the loss of the relationship, with some time you will begin to have your nervous system calm down. I had to take a break completely from any trauma therapy. I needed to let it "settle" down. I needed to just support myself and start working on "life" and "happiness" If I ever return to trauma work I will know. If you need to work through the original trauma pain you will know.

It's ok to be angry, all of it. I had my fist in the air (literally) rather pissed off at G-d for letting this happen to me AGAIN. Then the why, why, why, why, again those feelings are not right or wrong, and they are understandable. I believe you when you say you feel week. It's ok. one foot in front of the other.

 

[Catlovers141]

Your therapist should not have done this. Your reactions are normal given what your therapist did. It sounds nice, but it really can mess with your mind, whether that intention is there or not. There are a lot of ethical concerns related to your therapist's behavior.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes agree with @Sideways - sit with the feelings and allow them to come and go. They will and after a while you will feel stronger and have new perspective. :hug: