Undiagnosed Well Hello - Don't Want Symptoms To Sabotage A Relationship

[duff]

I just found this website today!

I've never received a dx of PTSD, but I'm an adult survivor of parental incest and deal with a lot of the repercussions of that, both emotionally and physically. I've been working with a trauma specialist / psychoanalyst for three and a half years and am lightly medicated for depression and anxiety.

I just wanted to type to you today because I just had sex for the first time with someone who is falling for me - and I believe I am also falling for this person - and it was both so beautiful but so hard in the aftermath. It's so frustrating to have such a beautiful and consensual time and still feel so sick and disoriented and fighting against dissociation afterwards. I feel hopeless, a lot, about whether I'll ever be able to have uncomplicated and fully enjoyable sex. And right now I think I'm also struggling with how to begin telling my partner WHEN I'm feeling hard things and not just afterwards or in a distant, unaffected way. I mean, it should be easy: she is a survivor of both adult and childhood sexual trauma. It just feels like such a deep level of vulnerability.

Anyways, I don't know if anyone here also has this kind of an experience, but I thought I would say hello. I'm looking forward to browsing some of the threads and seeing what has been said about things, especially with regards to dealing with dissociation/triggers and relationships. I don't want to mess this one up but I'm already afraid it's doomed. I try so hard not to dwell there!!! It is somehow still so hard to have hope for my own future though.

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi duff!

 

[Echo]

Hi @duff, welcome to the forum. You'll find loads of support and lots of information here on all aspects of PTSD and trauma related to all kinds of things, including child abuse and rape. Good to have you here.

I can't advise you on your relationship or sexual matters, other than just in a human capacity as a rape and abuse survivor myself, and based on what I would want. I would just say, take it very, very slow; keep communicating with each other, and discussing the repercussions with your therapists - and keep the love in the centre of your relationship. I hope it goes very well for you.

Being able to be so vulnerable is especially hard for us, but it is amazing when you can hold that space even for a short time, sexually or otherwise. Just being utterly yourself and exposed in front of another. I find it very powerful and very moving, and, I hope, for you in this way it will be healing. Maybe it is only in this way that you and your girlfriend can heal certain aspects of your wounds. I imagine this to be the case for myself, though I haven't got there yet.

 

[bell]

I'm going to vote for telling her before either of you gets in much deeper, along with a congrats on having sex with someone that you care about! :) Revealing PTSD is hard at any point, but especially if you have triggers regarding sex, it is vital that you tell them sooner rather than later if you want to continue to heal... why? Because the "aftermath" should be "fun," not "so hard!" And especially as she is familiar with trauma, too, you could be having a much more beautiful experience than you've already have, you just need to have the courage to open up first... and since she is familiar with trauma, you most likely already have someone already on your side before you've even mentioned it. Best of luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why do you feel that it is doomed?

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello and Welcome to the forum, duff.

 

[duff]

Thank you all for your responses! I'm going to take them to heart and mull them over.

@Solara - That is a very good and appropriate question, I think. I've never had a relationship last with any kind of quality for more than three months, and we are at three months next week, me and this person. Even as we were having really beautiful talks this weekend, and I felt like I represented my feelings really honestly and truthfully (ie that I love her and deeply want to be with her, enjoy our time and etc), there was a niggling voice at the back of my head the whole time that was really ugly, saying things like, "Who do you think you are? What kind of liar are you, pretending you know how to do this? How long until you break her heart? What about when she realizes what kind of a monster you are, REALLY?" and etc and so forth. Just a mess of stuff, most of which I know is from old trauma.

But then there is another part of it that feels more rational/justifiable - all the reading I've done on trauma survivors, my own particular kinds of trauma, feeling like I am doomed to have unstable relationships that end in spectacular flames, and etc. The odds feel against me to have any kind of lasting relationship of quality. But at the same time, I don't want to self-sabotage, and believing this seems like it might plant some seeds of that.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Duff,

Welcome to the forum!

What you wrote I believe you will find is an experience shared by many members. Fear holds us captive to the messages of our past. Therapy can help you break out of the thoughts that bind you and there are other tools you can use that can help you to overcome many of the symptoms. I also hope you will find encouragement as many people with PTSD, and those that have experienced childhood sexual abuse, go on to have healthy, long-term relationships.

Debbie