I have struggled with anxiety and depression for all my life. Maybe that made me weaker or predisposed, I don't know. I know I hate this and what it's turning me into. It seems a series of events led me to this, the first two involving my newborn son 9 years ago. At 5 days old he was airlifted, at 2 months he was nearly killed in a horrific incident. I don't care to get into the details right now of those events, but they had a huge impact on how I treated him, which was much different than my older daughter.
After the second incident, the replays were vivid, and the feeling of my chest being crushed was crippling. I learned what flashbacks were, and hypervigilance. I snapped at everything, no way to control my temper, no sleep, and alcohol became my only relief. It nearly ended my marriage until I checked myself into the hospital. Things started to get better. But my social anxiety eventually caused me to stop going to doctors. I still dealt ok mostly, until I wound up with a strange man from work stalking me. The situation got so intense that I found old symptoms returning, and I was always edgy, anxious, and just plain nuts. As that situation was finally beginning to be handled, I came upon a very devastating accident, during which I found myself being the first to arrive at the side of a 9 year old boy, same age as my son. This boy died before my eyes as his mother arrived on scene as well as other family. The whole situation blew up into an emotional nightmare. The first 2 weeks were very hard on me, then it was like I just shut it off. After a few months, sleep became harder, alcohol became a staple, and now memories, visions, avoiding people, depression, no emotion other than the above, hypervigilance in other ways, can't focus. In short, I'm not myself anymore, can't think, can't function, can't find my way out. I feel so responsible, and guilty for not being a good mom or wife, everything's falling apart, and the second I have the energy to get something done I'm instantly overwhelmed. I just started some new MEDS, but the road is going to be a long one, and I'm not sure I will ever find my way back.
After the second incident, the replays were vivid, and the feeling of my chest being crushed was crippling. I learned what flashbacks were, and hypervigilance. I snapped at everything, no way to control my temper, no sleep, and alcohol became my only relief. It nearly ended my marriage until I checked myself into the hospital. Things started to get better. But my social anxiety eventually caused me to stop going to doctors. I still dealt ok mostly, until I wound up with a strange man from work stalking me. The situation got so intense that I found old symptoms returning, and I was always edgy, anxious, and just plain nuts. As that situation was finally beginning to be handled, I came upon a very devastating accident, during which I found myself being the first to arrive at the side of a 9 year old boy, same age as my son. This boy died before my eyes as his mother arrived on scene as well as other family. The whole situation blew up into an emotional nightmare. The first 2 weeks were very hard on me, then it was like I just shut it off. After a few months, sleep became harder, alcohol became a staple, and now memories, visions, avoiding people, depression, no emotion other than the above, hypervigilance in other ways, can't focus. In short, I'm not myself anymore, can't think, can't function, can't find my way out. I feel so responsible, and guilty for not being a good mom or wife, everything's falling apart, and the second I have the energy to get something done I'm instantly overwhelmed. I just started some new MEDS, but the road is going to be a long one, and I'm not sure I will ever find my way back.
