Day #6 - out of the rain
When I get majorly triggered and the tapes start playing, usually I'll start in "fight" mode. I'll lash out and then I go into "flight" mode and remove myself entirely from the situation. I run away and go completely into the hole. I live alone and my boyfriend does not check up on me, so it is very easy for me to shut-in and disappear, sometimes for days at a time.
I go through an emotional odyssey that is grueling and draining. All thinking is cyclical... not helpful at all. I don't go outside and am lonely but cannot process any outside stimulation. I go into what I call my "rain man" mode where I will hunker over the computer and start doing hours and hours of research on the subjects that I am interested in, history and architecture. I might stay up all night doing this depending on how tense, strained or wired I am. I use it to medicate myself and it seems to be the only way I can take the horrible edges off the feelings that I can't fix or do anything about at the time. I am unable to address my emotions while it is happening because they seem so powerful and real.
The best way I can describe what I feel is that I am being abandoned and all of the feelings surrounding that, which include an overpowering sadness mixed with anger. To be sure, we had and have problems... especially with him being trustworthy and behaviors that are triggering to me. He has been working hard to change his stuff... but my level of distrust has taken the wheel over the these last months which had led to bigger and bigger episodes, not fitting of circumstances where perhaps a healthier person would be able to communicate feelings and move on. Not me... I go into the hole because of my inability to deal. I know where this screwed up part of my primal nature comes from... I just don't know how to stop it.
When I start coming back to earth, or am able to start coming back into myself, I tend to sleep a lot. I go through waves of fatigue and during the next day or two the storm starts to subside and I start feeling more like myself again.
My diagnosis is new… and to be honest, I am kind of thankful because now this “thing” that seems to be taking bigger and bigger chunks of my life has a name.
I want to love and be loved. I want to live a full and productive life. Get a job, volunteer, ride my bike, make art… make a home.
I want this more than I want to stay ill.
When I get majorly triggered and the tapes start playing, usually I'll start in "fight" mode. I'll lash out and then I go into "flight" mode and remove myself entirely from the situation. I run away and go completely into the hole. I live alone and my boyfriend does not check up on me, so it is very easy for me to shut-in and disappear, sometimes for days at a time.
I go through an emotional odyssey that is grueling and draining. All thinking is cyclical... not helpful at all. I don't go outside and am lonely but cannot process any outside stimulation. I go into what I call my "rain man" mode where I will hunker over the computer and start doing hours and hours of research on the subjects that I am interested in, history and architecture. I might stay up all night doing this depending on how tense, strained or wired I am. I use it to medicate myself and it seems to be the only way I can take the horrible edges off the feelings that I can't fix or do anything about at the time. I am unable to address my emotions while it is happening because they seem so powerful and real.
The best way I can describe what I feel is that I am being abandoned and all of the feelings surrounding that, which include an overpowering sadness mixed with anger. To be sure, we had and have problems... especially with him being trustworthy and behaviors that are triggering to me. He has been working hard to change his stuff... but my level of distrust has taken the wheel over the these last months which had led to bigger and bigger episodes, not fitting of circumstances where perhaps a healthier person would be able to communicate feelings and move on. Not me... I go into the hole because of my inability to deal. I know where this screwed up part of my primal nature comes from... I just don't know how to stop it.
When I start coming back to earth, or am able to start coming back into myself, I tend to sleep a lot. I go through waves of fatigue and during the next day or two the storm starts to subside and I start feeling more like myself again.
My diagnosis is new… and to be honest, I am kind of thankful because now this “thing” that seems to be taking bigger and bigger chunks of my life has a name.
I want to love and be loved. I want to live a full and productive life. Get a job, volunteer, ride my bike, make art… make a home.
I want this more than I want to stay ill.
